Monday, September 5, 2011

Last Tuesday...Please Welcome Christine

Dear Readers,

I'm so happy to see you. Listen, I will be brief...yeah right...I was just remarking to my Dear Boi that I read/saw something about people accumulating emotions in a backpack. You carry this backpack throughout your whole life and every now and then you need to unload it. I think where people make the mistake is where or upon whom you unload it. So....I have this backpack and if you have been reading you know so much about it. I have new ish in the backpack but instead of unloading it on you, I am going to find a safe place to drop it. You see, I am quite used to others unloading all their past frustrations and aggravations (sound similar but no where near the same emotions) on me. Sometimes I think that I scoop up the ish of others and just stuff it in my own backpack, thinking that eventually I will unload it.

Dear Readers, I am going to try and do something a little different. I am going to attempt to....

Ready for this.....

wait for it....

wait for it.....

TRY TO UNLOAD IT ALL HERE IN A QUICK no specific order, I am not even going to reread it for corrections. My thought process is, to unload it all here, and then move on to my next wonderful blog experience titled Journey to Christine.

Got it? I am not putting Lola to bed, you understand that she (I, we) is my pseudonym. A pseudonym (literally, "false name") is a name that a person (or, sometimes, a group) assumes for a particular purpose and that differs from his or her original orthonym (or "true name").** I just feel like it is time to use myself to introduce myself...before there was ever a Lola there was a Christine and this way we can be one happy united Blogger Extraordinaire. Forgive me for possibly repeating words in the list, understand that some of them were not even mine originally, just dumped in my backpack.

My shoulders are so tight...I hope this does it. Shoot, I missed you all. I hope you love where I'm going as much as I love where I'm going.


low self esteem
sharp tongued
self hate
loss of spirit
loss of self
loss of belief
loss of morals
unanswered questions
lack of self respect

Ok, this list is longer than I thought and it is clear to me that this may not be a one blog Blog. Alright, as promised, I am not taking any of these emotions with me in my backpack or to my new blog. I guess the best way to respect (oh that's another one) these emotions is to revisit now and then, I think if another one comes up, I will jot it down, crumble it up and toss it. How's that?

I have not been this excited about a blog in a long time. I hope you come with me. I will not delete First Tuesday, but I must bid it adieu. I have undergone growth and I love this blog. I love this blog, I love these keys, I love this gift given to me, and the One who bestowed it. I love me, all parts, the pretty pink parts, the dark inky parts, the red seductiveness, the yellow laughter, the earthly green tones that make me the Woman that I am, that I will always be.

Hurry up! See you at Journey to Christine.

You get me, that's why I love you,

Lola (still)

**Thank you students can't use you, but I sure as hell do.

Friday, August 5, 2011

91st Blog, I pay attention....

Dear Readers,

Everytime I write a blog, I glance over to my Dear Reader list...I don't look for any main purpose, but it does feel great to see a new Dear Reader.


This time I noticed that a Dear Reader was gone. Yes, gone. I am just as shocked as you are or maybe I am not. You see, I think this Dear Reader decided to bear the insult of my 89th blog to C(unt).

Well since this person is gone, I can tell my remaining Dear Readers that this is just another nail in that coffin. You know, it is one thing to cut off all other allegiance but to cut my blog? I hate that I hurt all over again.

When will this end? When will I learn not to care anymore? How does someone methodically cut you out of their own life, a life that at one point you shared?

Guess what, Runaway Reader, you are not here to see this...but it will get back, it always does, right?

This hurts. You don't like what I have to it is your right to go. Just as it is your right to go, it is my right to be pissed.


You of all people, know how I feel about my writing.


You are not here, so nothing I say can insult anymore. I am not sorry that you were insulted, but I am already sorry for this blog.

Off to bed, before I really get irate.

You get me, that's why I love you,


About Love Lost, 90th Blog

"I say that I will never be in love again, but that is untrue. For as long as I embrace hate, love will be there. I embrace them both and understand that they are natural human emotions. Neither is bad, neither is unworthy."

Dear Readers,

The quote above is from my 89th blog. Dear Readers, I am tired and worn and by all means I should go to sleep. I was stranded today on my way home and I started thinking. I just reread my 89th blog and the quote above stood out to me.

I'd like to address me being in love again. There was a point when I thought I could only love the one that left me behind. I was so sure that if I could not love her and the love be returned, that I'd only pine away, being in love, yet alone. Then I decided to swear off love all together. What do I really need it for? Last blog I was all deep and guru like when I decided to know love was to know hate, etc, etc.

This just in, my current thoughts on love:
I gave my last two relationships my all, or at least I thought I did. I never thought that the most current relationship would end and it did. It ended so fast, some days I wonder how we fit so much love into three short years.

I know (or at least I thought I knew) what type of lover I was. The crazy thing about a break up is that you end up questioning everything that you did.

I am to tired for this right now. I have to fast forward to my last thought, and I want to thank you for being here.

I do not want to fall in love again, because the end is not worth the beginning. All love ends, I should know.

I am a little bummed. Next blog, I will be awake.

You get me, that's why I love you,


Monday, August 1, 2011

Love vs. Hate, 89th Blog...I think.

Dear Readers:

First an apology. My last blog was very angry, rather I was very angry and it turned into a rant. I think I mentioned more than once that I was ranting, but you deserve better. The idea for this blog happened late this morning and already things have changed. Let's do a quick catch up. Today is Monday.

In the past 48hrs, the following has transpired in the order set before you:
I was told that I was a loved best friend.
There was someone outside my apartment all night with a ring.
I was told that there was some confusion and now the ring has been returned.
Dinner plans were made and cancelled.
I was told yet again that I was a loved best friend.
I expressed my hate for someone, thoroughly in demonstrative dance...well words anyway.
I was told off in very nasty language, reassured that everything that has hurt so much since July will continue to hurt throughout August.
I was called immature.

Now the reason that this is all so crazy is because all that was from the same person. Do you get the Love vs. Hate scenario? Clearly there is love and hate in the past 48hrs. After being told what to do with myself in such a profanity laced way, I am definitely sitting on the dock of hate.

One more scenario for you, because I like them so much:
Let's talk about Person A, Person B, and Person C. I know that's a lot for anyone to follow, so to help you, consider Person C to stand for cunt. Now you won't get confused.

A & B were in love. Like most people in love, Hate was festering nearby. Unfortunately, Hate traveled in on the back of C. C pretended that all was good in the hood, but A was a little concerned. B is mostly naive and meant well. For the most part, A & B were not concerned enough because they still shared Love. Enter the villain, shoulder to cry on, let's talk, its ok, yada yada yada, fast forward and A feels like a fool, B is (well I don't really know about what B is up too) and C is flying happily along on the wings of Hate. At this point A & B can barely be friends. A's love for B has been severely compromised with hate for C. Did I lose you? Remember C(unt).

This is why I am here today, to tell you about the whole Love vs. Hate. I thought before that I knew what hate felt like. My hate was immature, you know that baby hate, where you hate your friend on Tuesday and love them on Wednesday by first period...or the hate that you swear you have for your mom because she is definitely out to ruin your life. I also used to think that I knew what love felt like. Love of your parents, love for your first love, love for a pet....all immature love.

Now I have been privy to mature love, the love that you least expect but when it comes you immediately want to cultivate it. You feel almost frantic at the thought of losing it, because it feels so good. You just (and when I say "you", I am speaking of myself) want to make sure that the feeling lasts forever. You have had your stint with immature love so this must be it!

As this love grows and consumes you (yes, me) you flow with it. You do things a little differently to manage and maintain it. Actually, you do things way differently. Here is where you start to lose yourself in this love. I think I talked about losing yourself to love in another blog. I do know that Liz Gilbert has some great quotes on the topic. The love becomes all consuming and the flames of it really have you, preferably you and another. There is little worst than sweltering in love and the one you love is cool as a cuke watching from a bench in the shade sipping mint julep with ice.

You must be wondering where the hate comes in. Well, it does not really announce itself, but when its here it is freaking here. You see, you cannot truly know love until you know hate and vice versa. This works even with the immature hate and love that you experience in your childhood. Yes, I LOVE Bonton Chips but I HATE broccoli. Yes, I LOVE english class, but I HATE algebra! Get it? Good.

Back to mature love....if you apply the same to mature love, what do you think mature hate looks like? It is dark, greasy, inky, despairesque...the same way you will do things differently for love, you will do them differently in the name of hate. What? Hate will make you overspend, overeat, overdrink, overthink, cry, curse, and laugh...and love will do the same thing!

I'm serious. When is the last time you bought something for someone that you loved that you couldn't afford for yourself? I am guilty of that, that was in love. When was the last time you shopped because you were feeling down? I am guilty of that, that was in hate. Love will make me blog like until I chip my nail polish, hate will do the same damn thing.

Love and Hate are sharing this blog. I say things in love like liquid poetry, encompassing all, sweetening up life as we know it, make you stretch like a feline and purr right after. I say things in hate like acid, burning, churning, festering, the same kitty cat now a foul smelly beast with words like sharp claws.

I say that Love cannot ever versus Hate because they are closer than cousins, closer than sisters, rather they are the same...two sides of a coin, if you like. One is always nipping at the toes of the others, together they ride the same bike, the Doublemint Twins of life. You can't know hate until you know love. You can't know love until you know hate.

Does this sound like bad news? Its actually good news. The love that A had for B has now become hate for C. I know that my love is strong because my hate is strong. I won't push away either. I won't make excuses for my hate, rather I will embrace it, knowing that as I do, I also embrace love.

I say that I will never be in love again, but that is untrue. For as long as I embrace hate, love will be there. I embrace them both and understand that they are natural human emotions. Neither is bad, neither is unworthy.

With the same fierce strength that I hate, I know this energy will go into love. I am so looking forward to it.

So all in all....I don't think we need to review.

Though I think my heart is broken, I know it is not. I know that I am still alive and one day someone will see the love in me, see the love that has always been here and embrace it.

I understand so much more now about me and what I can offer. The next time you see someone consumed by hate, know that love is right there, in the same place, waiting to be embraced.

You get me, that's why I love you,


Sunday, July 31, 2011

About a Girl, 88th Blog

Dear Readers:

I just blogged an entire story and then deleted it. I don't even think it hits the point, the point that I am trying to avoid. I hardly know what to say anymore. I waited for this moment my whole life to simply hear about it in passing, poor Dear Readers, you probably don't even get me right now. I am sorry, I still love you. I am so confused. I wish you could help. I no longer know what to think. To have something so abruptly yanked from your life and then it just as abruptly return...what do you do? Remember the movie, Pet Cemetery, based on the King novel? These people missed their deceased pets so much, but when they came back all angry zombie catesque then didn't know what to do.

That is a poor comparison, but I am so confused right now. What do I do? Please send help. Well actually, since I was not available for such a unrequested blessing, it, like the love I thought was there is being retracted. Just as easy as a receipt exchange. Money back, all is fair in love and war, move on.

Now I am officially not making any sense, but none of this has. This entire year has been nothing but shit, shit, shit. I lost so much, it started as just the one that I love and then everything compounded. Now my heart is in deficit. I can't trust myself to make the right decisions anymore, because everything that I thought was right, was apparently wrong.

So now, out of the blue, over night literally, everything can change but not really. Not really, because I was not at the right place at the right time.

What was to be one of the defining points of our lifetime is now nothing. Dear Readers, I know what type of life I have to expect. Right now I am snapping at my WondaGirl and she does not even deserve it. I heard earlier via God's Plan for Real Conversation (text) that I am always angry. I think my emotions look like anger, but they are more out of confusion. I am so effing confused. OMG I can't even cry anymore. I don't know what to do, what to feel, what to think. My heart and mind are at war. If I could just wrap myself up in bed and stay there I would.

Again, not angry...and I promised not to hurt again and I won't. I refuse to hurt. This blog has nothing to do with the book I am reading, as I am sure everything in that book is void at this moment. My shadow self is going to have the rest of me, and I will be wrapped in projectile behavior and sweet denial of what is really in front of me. Again, confusion reeks through out this blog.

A promise, or a sham to get back where I ought to be? Do all parties involved know about this? Am I second and if so, how long have I been second. This has been going on long enough and at this point, my brain is sending ATTACK impulses to my heart.

Now, because I am good and confused, in love and at lose, living in cusp of WHAT THE FUCK, I hear that everything that was being transpired behind my back has been aborted.

Just. Like. This.

God, why can't I just break into a run until I run out of steam and belief...belief that is going to be the death of me, belief that takes away my passion, belief that squanders myself, my very personality at risk, belief that hinders my only voice, my blog and for what...what was the belief again?? What was I fighting for again?? I need a nap, a drink, a nap, a drink, a something. I don't get me anymore so there goes everything I have left.

I am stripped of sense, and sensible behavior, of yearnings, of desires, of the slight knowledge that says yearnings and desires are the same words.

My phone chimes but I ignore it. After all, I have learned more from my phone in the past year than I have from real live people. I am tired, I am scared, I am sad, I am hurt and I HATE THAT I CAN BE HERE AT THIS TIME.

I don't know anything anymore. What a rant this blog is and what a pro you are Dear Reader to stick around. I know what it feels like to have your time and attention put through the spin cycle. I know what it is like to be left with questions, questions unanswered, conversations incomplete, thoughts unprocessed.

I guess this is where I end a thought that never ended, a blog that never concludes, a heart that will never heal, a mind that will never cease to try to answer why.

You get me, that's why I love you,


Thursday, July 28, 2011

Barely a Blog

So this is barely a blog because emotionally I am feeling setback. I know that I need to reach out,
And though I am surrounded by those who love me I feel as if I may be reaching out in the dark, worst
Yet the unknown. I mean at least in the dark, I can anticipate. At this point, Dear Readers, I feel teetered on the thin slip between
Mind and heart. This is so hard, I wish this on no one-to have known emotion so sweet and then for it to go
Bad-this is terrible. Tears are no longer sufficient, happies are a joke and not the funny kind.

This is from my iPod, as I am desperate to reach our to my one trust, you, Dear Readers.
I fear it will get only harder.

Worse than the pain of broken love is to watch another suffer as you do. God, hear my call for clarity and strength. No two people should hurt like this. Please.

You get me, that's why I love you,


Monday, July 25, 2011

I'm Still Here. I get that and understand why......

Dear Readers,

How are you? I have been missing since I went back to work. I am sorry. I have thought about you frequently. I tried to blog yesterday, but my internet was acting up. It is probably better that I didn't. I was in a so-so place yesterday.

Let's see...the last time we spoke I told you that I picked up a self help book. It has been helping me to help myself. LOL

Here is a disclaimer: I am blogging at a friend's home (she is a Dear Reader just like you) and I may be a little distracted. I can't not be distracting because she is a riot and we are having an adult conversation with adult stuff. HA!

Let my explain the book that I am reading as well as I can....the book talks about everyone having a dual self (duality) of their regular selves and their shadow self. The shadow is the part of you that prevents you from doing what you were really meant to do in life, ie, be fabulous. The shadow is the place where you hold onto negative feelings...those feelings are the ones that put you down. OK,you know me and examples. The following conversation is the what a conversation between myself and my shadow (if it could talk and I think mine does, as it is an overachiever just like me):

Lola: Wow I think I am going to write that book everyone keeps telling to write.

Shadow: You don't have time.

Lola: Hmm I have so much to do, where would I find the time?

Shadow: Yo, don't you have two kids, you pathetic single mother?

Lola: Sigh, I should do something with the kids, but I am short on cash...I am a failure.

Shadow: Now you are talking, Loser. While you are home with your kids, why don't you work out, Fat Ass?

Lola: Gosh, I feel so paunchy today....

See how I forgot all about writing my book??

So here is the thing, according to the book, the only way to get rid of the shadow's power is to embrace the feelings head on.

Lola: I am feeling sad. I think I will go buy a bottle of tequila. (WRONG)


Lola: I am feeling sad. I get that and I know why. It's OK to feel sad (CORRECT)

If you can embrace your feelings, you can then let them go and move on with yourself.


I don't want to just straight rip everything out of this book, because you should read it. I think everyone should. At the end of this blog (which will be soon, my friend is antsy) I will give you the name of the book.

Another thing...back to duality. For every bad feeling that you have, there is a good one that can combat it, but only after you recognize the bad and embrace it.

Here are the cousins:


There are still other cousins but those are the ones we all know. They are related this way: if you have never felt sadness, you will never recognize happiness and REVERSE, REVERSE, REVERSE!! Get it? That is why you need all the cousins to complete your family (The Emotional Wellbeings).

See life encourages us to try to squash the bad feelings, but even if we squash them, we still hold onto them.

This is the last bit of example from the book today....

I have had two relationships over the past ten years. My partner and I broke up after seven years, and then, the partner that I had broke up after three years. The pain from the first relationship I packed in my emotional backpack of memories....the present break has been packed on top of the past one. Got it? when you pack a bag, why do you pack? I guess because the things you pack, you need for later. Why the hell would I need the pain from not one but two relationships? Am I going to forget the pain, so I feel the need to carry it? Am I holding onto the pain in case I need it? For what? All that pain is going to do is interfere with my future.

Imagine I meet someone that is really fabulous? I want to feel the greatness of the fabulousness..but first I have to see what you have in common with all this pain that I am carrying. Hmmm yeah, you know what? Now that I have seen what you have in common, I am scared to proceed or (WORST YET)...ah yes, this is the pain that I am accustomed to...let's get involved so that one day, you too, can join the pain in my backpack.

Here it is, Dear Readers. You will never forget the pain of a break up, but there is no reason for you to relive the pain each and every time. If you just say the following or something similar:

I am in pain. I get and I understand why. It is OK to be in pain.

See when you do that, you allow yourself to experience the pain, and then what happens? You are more open to the cousin (the positive feeling).


Readers, I am going to close now, because I have other things to do, and right this second, I must let my Dear Reader (right here now) to read this blog.

Last thought. I am a little sad. I get that and I understand why. It is OK to be sad. You know what I am more happy than sad. I get that and I understand why. It is OK to be more happy than sad.


The book that I am reading is The Shadow Effect, Illuminating The Hidden Power of Your True Self. It is by Chopra, Ford and Williamson. Shout out to Barnes and Noble, $14.99!

You get me, that's why I love you,