Hello Dear Readers and Happy New Year,
So...I am here at GreenFab. GreenFab is one of the work sites where my students intern on Mondays and Thursdays. I am a little unclear about what they do here, though I know its all about sustainable living.
Sustainable living is what I am doing, actually. I have so much to do, so much going on that it takes everything for me to survive.
sus·tain·a·ble (s-stn-bl)
adj.
1. Capable of being sustained.
2. Capable of being continued with minimal long-term effect on the environment:
I like to say that I am practicing sustainable survival.
sur·viv·al (sr-vvl)
n.
1.
a. The act or process of surviving.
b. The fact of having survived.
2. Something, such as an ancient custom or belief, that has survived.
I do not think that you need definitions, but now that I am a teacher...I'm so extra.
I make myself tired. I am capable of surviving continually with minimal long-term effect on myself. Now that I read that back, I'm concerned. Hmmm..and the feeling has passed.
You must wonder what I mean by the flies. Or maybe not, well I'm going to tell you. There are loads of little pesky flies here. I don't know where there come from, though I think that the most likely source is the combination of that water bottle finagled garden in the next room. It's amazing, how Poland Spring bottles and tubing can sustain a garden and its beautiful...but I think that's where the little flies are coming from. Another more obvious source...the teens. Teens have trouble getting rid of their garbage. I walked in this morning to a mysterious plastic bag on the desk. Said plastic bag is still there. Its shape hint toward a greasy paper plate that housed a pizza. I'm only guessing pizza because its not a McDonald's bag or a Thank You Come Again deli plastic bag. Most teens and I can say this with certainty, live off of greasy pizza, McDonald's and Chinese.
It is what it is. Today they didn't even blink when I whipped out my Laughing Cow Cheese spread and Ritz Crackers. They used to crack up. OMG!!!! What are you eating!!?? I swear, my eating habits were fodder for conversation from September to at the very least yesterday, when I dined on sardines and graham crackers. The graham crackers were leftovers from my breakfast. I DID NOT plan to eat the crackers with my sardines and there was no touching of the two.
Don't judge me.
I'm here today because they were short teachers, but apparently, that deficit has changed as there are four teachers here, and I'm not even counting myself. There are about thirteen teens. I don't need to be here and in fact I'm not doing anything, as you can see. I am about to fabricate a few tests for tomorrow. Yaaayyyy tests!!! Let's see...science, ELA and maybe even math...bwaaa haaa haaaa.
Ok..I felt guilty for just sitting here, so I took a quick walk around the groups. Aw...I care.
Yeah.
Did I tell you all about my dog? He ate my Gap skirt, but I returned it. There is so much more to the story. The deal is, I adopted a puppy for Christmas. I love animals and I love nurturing. I saved this puppy from a bad place. He has the NERVE to eat my skirt. The other day, I found him on my bed with my skirt in his mouth. Wow. For someone just peeking at this blog, that could be quite the sentence. Anyhow, I was furious, as this was on New Year's Eve. It would have been just as annoying any other night, but still. I was all dressed up and on my way out and I find that Ferris had a mouthful of my gorgeous skirt.
I called and texted few people to complain, because that is what I do. The consensus was to return it to the Gap and exchange it. I was nervous. All I needed was for the cashier to say, OMG, DID A MINI COLLIE DINGO PUPPY EAT YOUR SKIRT? She didn't. Whew...but she did call another cashier over to look at it. The conversation was more like, OMG, DID YOU SEE THIS SKIRT? WHOAAAA! I didn't have much hope in finding the skirt again, since it was on the sale rack, but YEEEEESSSS I found it! It is still in the bag, hanging from one of the many hooks in my closet.
I learned a valuable lesson that night. A puppy will eat ANYTHING. I was under the impression that he would only eat chewy things and/or things that taste like chicken. I did not think he would develop a taste for a soft blue with red squares skirt. I know that I'm naive.
These flies are super annoying. The teens are almost as annoying, which is why I am squirreled away at the end of the table. Every now and then, I glare at them. It is too funny how that gets them in check. What's funnier is that I am typing pretty fast and "funny" started out as "cunny". Whoa...did you see this skirt??
Teens love to use profanity. They are so predictable. I can't even use words like predictable because it sounds to much like dick. No homo.
Oh My Cheezus. Alas, I must work...on my other blog and then on classwork, tests, and etc.
You get me. That's why I love you.
Lola
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Like If You Plunge
Dear Readers:
I was not going to write tonight, as I have sustained an injury. For the past 21 minutes I have been futilely trying to unclog the toilet. My poor blogging hands are calloused and I speak to you tonight in pain. Yeah.
Here is the thing...I had a conversation with a friend recently and she groused about how the ONLY time she ever had to unclog her toilet is when children were in her home. At the time, I thought the conversation to be funny, but now....
I am disgusted to agree. The only damn time I touch that plunger is when the CHILDREN (mine and yours) clog the toilet. I don't know why or how. I just don't get it. I do really think that if I were childless, I would not even need a plunger.
With that being said, here is a list of things that I would not need if I were childless, in no particular order:
1. Locks on the doors
2. Ice Tea Mix
3. Pink Toothpaste with sparkly things
4. Two cable boxes
5. Peroxide
6. Excedrin Tension Headache
7. Hiding places for my "stuff"
8. PC passwords
9. A two bedroom apartment (that I freaking pay for and clean)
10. Pajamas
I did not add in the plunger, because we already touched on that. I kind of got stuck around #8, to the point that I was looking around for inspiration. As I look at that list, it is accurate. I'm sure that I can add more, but do we really want to depress me more.
Parenting is exhausting and I love my WondaKids anyway. Parenting in not for everyone. I can't say what one would need to be a great parent, but you sure as hell better know how to handle a plunger.
It's late, my hands are calloused and THE FREAKING TOILET is still clogged. I'm tired so freak it. It will be the last toilet that I unclog this year. Maybe I should keep a log.
Yawn. I had more to say today, but that incident really pissed me off, pun intended.
You get me, that's why I love you.
Lola
I was not going to write tonight, as I have sustained an injury. For the past 21 minutes I have been futilely trying to unclog the toilet. My poor blogging hands are calloused and I speak to you tonight in pain. Yeah.
Here is the thing...I had a conversation with a friend recently and she groused about how the ONLY time she ever had to unclog her toilet is when children were in her home. At the time, I thought the conversation to be funny, but now....
I am disgusted to agree. The only damn time I touch that plunger is when the CHILDREN (mine and yours) clog the toilet. I don't know why or how. I just don't get it. I do really think that if I were childless, I would not even need a plunger.
With that being said, here is a list of things that I would not need if I were childless, in no particular order:
1. Locks on the doors
2. Ice Tea Mix
3. Pink Toothpaste with sparkly things
4. Two cable boxes
5. Peroxide
6. Excedrin Tension Headache
7. Hiding places for my "stuff"
8. PC passwords
9. A two bedroom apartment (that I freaking pay for and clean)
10. Pajamas
I did not add in the plunger, because we already touched on that. I kind of got stuck around #8, to the point that I was looking around for inspiration. As I look at that list, it is accurate. I'm sure that I can add more, but do we really want to depress me more.
Parenting is exhausting and I love my WondaKids anyway. Parenting in not for everyone. I can't say what one would need to be a great parent, but you sure as hell better know how to handle a plunger.
It's late, my hands are calloused and THE FREAKING TOILET is still clogged. I'm tired so freak it. It will be the last toilet that I unclog this year. Maybe I should keep a log.
Yawn. I had more to say today, but that incident really pissed me off, pun intended.
You get me, that's why I love you.
Lola
Friday, December 17, 2010
Friday Night Blog aka Preemptive Strike!
"A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born."
~Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Ho ho there Dear Readers!
You didn't expect me to open up a blog with a quote, did you? You clearly don't recognize how deep I am. Lol! A very, very, very, great, beautiful brown friend of mine shared her favorite book with me, The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. That opening quote is from Antoine, or as I like to call him, Tone. Tone has a very interesting story and I'd urge you to read all about him, but what you really should read is The Little Prince.
It is a children's tale, but I feel that is a children's tale for adults who need to be reminded of what life really is all about. I feel like I should open up a tab and just start swiping quotes from the book. The quote above is not from The Little Prince, by the way.
My friend was so kind to share the book with me, as she felt that I needed it. She was right. She is really that deep. Though I think she would have been fine with me keeping the book, I gave it back....for another dear friend who may need it.
I almost think that it should be required reading for adulthood. Oh wait...two facebook notifications...be right back....ahhhhh technology.....now that was funny. By the time I clicked over, there were four; two from friends and two from Henrietta Hudson's. Apparently the event that I will probably attend next week has had a name change, as if I committed the name of the event to memory.
Back to The Little Prince. I say that I do this for you, but I'm doing it for me, assuming that it will do great things for you. I am going to open a tab and snatch some quotes. How's that? A little different twist, I mean...this is a Friday blog. You don't know the next time you will get this opportunity, to hear from me on a Friday. I had plans this evening, but my dique chest cold preempted everything.
"Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them."
How great is that? As adults we seem to think that we are the end all. If we don't know something, another adult will. Kids can explain anything. If I held true today at least half the stuff I believed as a 4th grader, I'd be better off.
"I should never have listened to her," he confided to me one day, "One should never listen to the flowers. One should simply look at them and breathe their fragrance."
Now...check that out. Stop and smell the roses...BUT don't pick them! Ok, this quote is about more than flowers. The gist is, you can enjoy something without needing to make it yours or decide that everything that comes from it is gospel. Especially if you are down with OPP. LMAO LMFAO...what an adult thought. Erase, erase, erase. I could not resist, sorry.
"Language is the source of misunderstandings."
Say word. The words that you use, along with the way you express them can mean so much. The ish is, you cannot expect everyone to get your meaning as well as you do. What does that mean..shut up. No...think, think long and hard before you speak and if something can be demonstrated without the weight of language, than let that demonstration be your voice. Check me out...this flu virus is really working me.
"You're beautiful, but you're empty.... No one could die for you."
Ok. That one really makes me think. I wondered if someone would say that about me, or if I've ever known anyone to say it to. I honestly do not believe that anyone would die for me. I am speaking figuravitily of course. I don't see anyone really sacrificing for me. I don't know how to feel about that. I think that takes a lot of stress off of me. If no one is willing for me, then I don't have to be concerned with returning the favor.
"What makes the desert beautiful," says the little prince, "is that somewhere it hides a well."
Sigh. Words are not necessary..just read and sigh....there is hope everywhere.
There are more amazing quotes, but I really urge you to read the book for yourself. So that I don't have to feel some kind of way by copying all the quotes, I'll do the late great Tone a favor....
Amazon.com has The Little Prince in stock for $7.98. I'd order one right now, but I'll be at B&N tomorrow and pick up my own copy.
I'd like to close this post by welcoming two new Dear Readers...you know who you are, I'm glad that you've come.
You get me, that's why I love you.
Lola
~Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Ho ho there Dear Readers!
You didn't expect me to open up a blog with a quote, did you? You clearly don't recognize how deep I am. Lol! A very, very, very, great, beautiful brown friend of mine shared her favorite book with me, The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. That opening quote is from Antoine, or as I like to call him, Tone. Tone has a very interesting story and I'd urge you to read all about him, but what you really should read is The Little Prince.
It is a children's tale, but I feel that is a children's tale for adults who need to be reminded of what life really is all about. I feel like I should open up a tab and just start swiping quotes from the book. The quote above is not from The Little Prince, by the way.
My friend was so kind to share the book with me, as she felt that I needed it. She was right. She is really that deep. Though I think she would have been fine with me keeping the book, I gave it back....for another dear friend who may need it.
I almost think that it should be required reading for adulthood. Oh wait...two facebook notifications...be right back....ahhhhh technology.....now that was funny. By the time I clicked over, there were four; two from friends and two from Henrietta Hudson's. Apparently the event that I will probably attend next week has had a name change, as if I committed the name of the event to memory.
Back to The Little Prince. I say that I do this for you, but I'm doing it for me, assuming that it will do great things for you. I am going to open a tab and snatch some quotes. How's that? A little different twist, I mean...this is a Friday blog. You don't know the next time you will get this opportunity, to hear from me on a Friday. I had plans this evening, but my dique chest cold preempted everything.
"Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them."
How great is that? As adults we seem to think that we are the end all. If we don't know something, another adult will. Kids can explain anything. If I held true today at least half the stuff I believed as a 4th grader, I'd be better off.
"I should never have listened to her," he confided to me one day, "One should never listen to the flowers. One should simply look at them and breathe their fragrance."
Now...check that out. Stop and smell the roses...BUT don't pick them! Ok, this quote is about more than flowers. The gist is, you can enjoy something without needing to make it yours or decide that everything that comes from it is gospel. Especially if you are down with OPP. LMAO LMFAO...what an adult thought. Erase, erase, erase. I could not resist, sorry.
"Language is the source of misunderstandings."
Say word. The words that you use, along with the way you express them can mean so much. The ish is, you cannot expect everyone to get your meaning as well as you do. What does that mean..shut up. No...think, think long and hard before you speak and if something can be demonstrated without the weight of language, than let that demonstration be your voice. Check me out...this flu virus is really working me.
"You're beautiful, but you're empty.... No one could die for you."
Ok. That one really makes me think. I wondered if someone would say that about me, or if I've ever known anyone to say it to. I honestly do not believe that anyone would die for me. I am speaking figuravitily of course. I don't see anyone really sacrificing for me. I don't know how to feel about that. I think that takes a lot of stress off of me. If no one is willing for me, then I don't have to be concerned with returning the favor.
"What makes the desert beautiful," says the little prince, "is that somewhere it hides a well."
Sigh. Words are not necessary..just read and sigh....there is hope everywhere.
There are more amazing quotes, but I really urge you to read the book for yourself. So that I don't have to feel some kind of way by copying all the quotes, I'll do the late great Tone a favor....
Amazon.com has The Little Prince in stock for $7.98. I'd order one right now, but I'll be at B&N tomorrow and pick up my own copy.
I'd like to close this post by welcoming two new Dear Readers...you know who you are, I'm glad that you've come.
You get me, that's why I love you.
Lola
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
It's Tuesday
Hello Dear Readers:
Crickets? I don't even know. You guys HAVE NO CLUE, or maybe some of you do, as to what I have been going through. I didn't even take a second to read the last blog, so I don't know what I said. Though all my blogs count, I am so sure that my life is changing so fast...you ought to just follow from this point on.
There is going to be an unveiling of a whole new Lola. The way I feel lately, I might just start using my government name. I hardly know who I am. That's not why you are here though. How are you? How are the holidays treating you?
I'm not involved with holidays this year. To be perfectly honest, I'm really to busy with work, school and life in general to be bothered with holidays.
The greatest thing about the holidays is that they resurface once a year. It makes me feel good that I have next year to get all mushy and ish. Right now...freak that crap.
It's been so long since we have spoken. I feel like I should just share my FB with you as that is where I post all the happenings. I'm sorry about that. Its just that my FB is so handy. To blog to you, I have to go through a whole process. And...FB is great because folk reach out to me in response. I am not as an attention whore as I used to be, but I still do enjoy a little credit.
Recently someone posted something on FB that sounded like one of my words. I don't remember what the word was, but I was concerned...so I FB'd the someone and bluntly asked if they were using my words. What kind of answer do you think that I got? Yes, those were your words, you are the most high in the sky like the stars, crystal gel....? No. Instead, I got a compliment (?) I guess, because the person said that my way of expressing myself was so interesting. Uh yeah. Wait one sec...lemme see brb....ok. That didn't work. I went to FB because I was going to cut and paste the comments here. Apparently, that is not ok with the powers that be.
See, that's kind of sucky because now you miss out when the guy on the bus sat on me. You just can't tell that type of story more than a few times.
Did I tell you that I'm teaching high school? I had too, I'm almost sure, because that was one of my lame ass excuses for not blogging. Trust me, that is not a lame ass excuse. I have a whole pile of papers that I am ignoring, knowing DAMN well that I should be grading.
I just don't feel like doing anything but this. I feel so good when I blog. This could be my utopia. I have greater plans for utopia, well at least I did. My plans didn't exactly go as planned. I guess that doesn't make them plans.
Moving right along. So....what do you want for Christmas? I need red pens. I need red pens, because maybe that will inspire me to grade these dang papers. I wish my students would just email me their work. I would be so much better at grading.
I'm watching 16 & Pregnant, rather it is watching me. After a few episodes, all these stories sound alike. I don't know why I bother. It is freezing in here and I am too lazy to go get my hoodie.
Won't you come on by and get my hoodie out of the closet? I don't have anyone to do coolio things like that for me. Life is good when you have someone that can run into the kitchen and make you tea, life is fabulous when you have someone to bring you your hoodie from the closet.
I wish I had that.
I wish I had loads of things...but if someone truly wanted to get me what I wanted for Christmas, I'd like someone who would love me enough to get my hoodie from the closet, bonus points if they could rub Vicks on my chest without making a face.
That is love.
This is enough as I have not touched any important subjects..this was like a slam blog. I'm sorry it lacks direction, but its late, I'm tired, congested and cold and this silly heifer on 16 & Pregnant is mad because Blake has not been home and Nathan is intense.
W/h/a/t/e/v/e/r.
I love you for reading, (<---is that even my sign off? I don't recall)
Lola
WAIT!
You get me, that's why I love you!
Lola!!
Crickets? I don't even know. You guys HAVE NO CLUE, or maybe some of you do, as to what I have been going through. I didn't even take a second to read the last blog, so I don't know what I said. Though all my blogs count, I am so sure that my life is changing so fast...you ought to just follow from this point on.
There is going to be an unveiling of a whole new Lola. The way I feel lately, I might just start using my government name. I hardly know who I am. That's not why you are here though. How are you? How are the holidays treating you?
I'm not involved with holidays this year. To be perfectly honest, I'm really to busy with work, school and life in general to be bothered with holidays.
The greatest thing about the holidays is that they resurface once a year. It makes me feel good that I have next year to get all mushy and ish. Right now...freak that crap.
It's been so long since we have spoken. I feel like I should just share my FB with you as that is where I post all the happenings. I'm sorry about that. Its just that my FB is so handy. To blog to you, I have to go through a whole process. And...FB is great because folk reach out to me in response. I am not as an attention whore as I used to be, but I still do enjoy a little credit.
Recently someone posted something on FB that sounded like one of my words. I don't remember what the word was, but I was concerned...so I FB'd the someone and bluntly asked if they were using my words. What kind of answer do you think that I got? Yes, those were your words, you are the most high in the sky like the stars, crystal gel....? No. Instead, I got a compliment (?) I guess, because the person said that my way of expressing myself was so interesting. Uh yeah. Wait one sec...lemme see brb....ok. That didn't work. I went to FB because I was going to cut and paste the comments here. Apparently, that is not ok with the powers that be.
See, that's kind of sucky because now you miss out when the guy on the bus sat on me. You just can't tell that type of story more than a few times.
Did I tell you that I'm teaching high school? I had too, I'm almost sure, because that was one of my lame ass excuses for not blogging. Trust me, that is not a lame ass excuse. I have a whole pile of papers that I am ignoring, knowing DAMN well that I should be grading.
I just don't feel like doing anything but this. I feel so good when I blog. This could be my utopia. I have greater plans for utopia, well at least I did. My plans didn't exactly go as planned. I guess that doesn't make them plans.
Moving right along. So....what do you want for Christmas? I need red pens. I need red pens, because maybe that will inspire me to grade these dang papers. I wish my students would just email me their work. I would be so much better at grading.
I'm watching 16 & Pregnant, rather it is watching me. After a few episodes, all these stories sound alike. I don't know why I bother. It is freezing in here and I am too lazy to go get my hoodie.
Won't you come on by and get my hoodie out of the closet? I don't have anyone to do coolio things like that for me. Life is good when you have someone that can run into the kitchen and make you tea, life is fabulous when you have someone to bring you your hoodie from the closet.
I wish I had that.
I wish I had loads of things...but if someone truly wanted to get me what I wanted for Christmas, I'd like someone who would love me enough to get my hoodie from the closet, bonus points if they could rub Vicks on my chest without making a face.
That is love.
This is enough as I have not touched any important subjects..this was like a slam blog. I'm sorry it lacks direction, but its late, I'm tired, congested and cold and this silly heifer on 16 & Pregnant is mad because Blake has not been home and Nathan is intense.
W/h/a/t/e/v/e/r.
I love you for reading, (<---is that even my sign off? I don't recall)
Lola
WAIT!
You get me, that's why I love you!
Lola!!
Monday, October 25, 2010
It has been nearly two months since my last confession....
Readers, dear Readers:
I am blogging after midnight from my touch. There will be errors and I lack the energy to correct them. I love you and I miss you and I'M TEACHING AND THAT SUCKS THE EVERYTHING OUT OF ME. Sorry for the yelling but I've been meaning to get around to this for some time now, need I remind you why I've been so absent? This is not a comfy way of blogging but hopefully you realize how much I truly miss you with this glorified text message. You must have loads of questions and I swear that I have answers but I'm too best to read your mind right now. I have to sleep but please understand you are loved. I am ok just hella busy. This is not goodbye......but we will pick up this chat later!
Lola losing sleep, send love please
I am blogging after midnight from my touch. There will be errors and I lack the energy to correct them. I love you and I miss you and I'M TEACHING AND THAT SUCKS THE EVERYTHING OUT OF ME. Sorry for the yelling but I've been meaning to get around to this for some time now, need I remind you why I've been so absent? This is not a comfy way of blogging but hopefully you realize how much I truly miss you with this glorified text message. You must have loads of questions and I swear that I have answers but I'm too best to read your mind right now. I have to sleep but please understand you are loved. I am ok just hella busy. This is not goodbye......but we will pick up this chat later!
Lola losing sleep, send love please
Saturday, September 4, 2010
I've lost count...would someone be so kind...
Dear Readers:
Aren't you patient? I told you that I took on something new and I did. I switched careers and while I don't want to go into it right now, I've been hired and work starts next week.
I am very excited, though more so nervous. Today has been an emotional day, as I've been choking back tears all day. There is so much going on. Never have I felt so lonely. Well, maybe I have-its just been so long.
Loneliness is a funny thing, especially when you forget the empty feeling. The nutty thing is that I want to be alone, just not with myself. That is crazy talk. I need this, I need to just bang away at the keys and the hell with proofreading, spell check and the like.
This turmoil has little to do with my new career. It is more about my life and choices. I mean, this is the only life that I have. I should not be second guessing, I should not wake up full of tears. I dreamt of my Grandma last night. She has this uncanny way of coming to me when I am especially upset. I love her so much. As much as we argued, she is the ONLY person who has understood me. Ever. I tell you all the time that you get me, but what you get is what I portray. There are pieces of me that will forever be just for me. Sometimes I just think too much. I mean, staying under the radar can get awfully comfy..but come up for air once or twice......
You will be shocked at what has been going on, outside of your safe zone. Oh Dear Readers, what to do? Your Lola is in pain. I feel stained and ruined. I don't want this. I just want what I had. I don't know if I can get it back. Quite possibly what I had is coming to an end. Maybe it ended already and I was just too stupid to notice. That is the trouble with seeing the good in everything, sometimes you miss the jagged edge.
I'm so lonely.
I can't even cry right because the WondaKids are milling about. I try not to cry in front of them. Its tough, because I end up living lies everywhere. I may be honest with you, but what does that solve?
Perhaps there is no solution for this problem. I just want to go off by myself. I need to let all this darkness out. This dark, inky, sadness that is weighing me down.
As if I am not heavy enough in real time, I am emotionally weighed down.
This is terrible. I have not spoken to you in over a month and this is what I come back with. If I recall, my last blog was not too hopeful either.
I need someone to hear me. Even if that someone needs to curse me out. I am not looking for sympathy, I'm looking for an ear. In my dreams, my Grandma never speaks to me, but we communicate. That is one of the things that I miss the most, right after her hugs...her voice. It KILLS me that I cannot hear her voice anymore. I don't remember it.
I try.
I swear I do.
That is the worse feeling. So now here are the tears. This is certainly not what you signed up for.
I am so, so, so, sorry.
This is not what I want this blog to be. Please respect that I am a person just like you. I'm feeling a certain way. Though I don't know that anyone will be reading, it feels good (I guess) to get this out.
This is just scratching the surface. Should I dig deeper, I fear that I will never stop crying.
You get me, that's why I love you,
Lola
Aren't you patient? I told you that I took on something new and I did. I switched careers and while I don't want to go into it right now, I've been hired and work starts next week.
I am very excited, though more so nervous. Today has been an emotional day, as I've been choking back tears all day. There is so much going on. Never have I felt so lonely. Well, maybe I have-its just been so long.
Loneliness is a funny thing, especially when you forget the empty feeling. The nutty thing is that I want to be alone, just not with myself. That is crazy talk. I need this, I need to just bang away at the keys and the hell with proofreading, spell check and the like.
This turmoil has little to do with my new career. It is more about my life and choices. I mean, this is the only life that I have. I should not be second guessing, I should not wake up full of tears. I dreamt of my Grandma last night. She has this uncanny way of coming to me when I am especially upset. I love her so much. As much as we argued, she is the ONLY person who has understood me. Ever. I tell you all the time that you get me, but what you get is what I portray. There are pieces of me that will forever be just for me. Sometimes I just think too much. I mean, staying under the radar can get awfully comfy..but come up for air once or twice......
You will be shocked at what has been going on, outside of your safe zone. Oh Dear Readers, what to do? Your Lola is in pain. I feel stained and ruined. I don't want this. I just want what I had. I don't know if I can get it back. Quite possibly what I had is coming to an end. Maybe it ended already and I was just too stupid to notice. That is the trouble with seeing the good in everything, sometimes you miss the jagged edge.
I'm so lonely.
I can't even cry right because the WondaKids are milling about. I try not to cry in front of them. Its tough, because I end up living lies everywhere. I may be honest with you, but what does that solve?
Perhaps there is no solution for this problem. I just want to go off by myself. I need to let all this darkness out. This dark, inky, sadness that is weighing me down.
As if I am not heavy enough in real time, I am emotionally weighed down.
This is terrible. I have not spoken to you in over a month and this is what I come back with. If I recall, my last blog was not too hopeful either.
I need someone to hear me. Even if that someone needs to curse me out. I am not looking for sympathy, I'm looking for an ear. In my dreams, my Grandma never speaks to me, but we communicate. That is one of the things that I miss the most, right after her hugs...her voice. It KILLS me that I cannot hear her voice anymore. I don't remember it.
I try.
I swear I do.
That is the worse feeling. So now here are the tears. This is certainly not what you signed up for.
I am so, so, so, sorry.
This is not what I want this blog to be. Please respect that I am a person just like you. I'm feeling a certain way. Though I don't know that anyone will be reading, it feels good (I guess) to get this out.
This is just scratching the surface. Should I dig deeper, I fear that I will never stop crying.
You get me, that's why I love you,
Lola
Thursday, July 22, 2010
An Apology.....Dear Readers, Please Read....
Dear Readers:
I want you to be aware that I am currently going through some things of a personal nature. That is the only reason that I've been so absent. I miss you and I miss writing, but its hard for me to disconnect from my everyday enough to lie to you. I can't just find some random thing to blog about. Ok. That is an untruth. I can really find random things, but I am going through so much, I feel that I will cheat you. I want to share with you, but the time is not right. I just feel entirely too distracted to be the Lola that you need me to be. If I am going to have to censor myself and not be 100% with you, you will pick it up in my writing.
I don't want to leave you hanging, so you can eliminate the following:
1. Sickness
2. Lovely
3. WondaKids
I would think that those are the main things that you would fear. I am quite healthy and yes, still head over heels with my Lovely, and lastly, the WondaKids are quite wonderful.
All of my turmoil is solely based on me. I set out to do something and though it is not more than I expected, sometimes it seems more than I can handle. I don't know if that makes sense--trust me, I don't think anything over the last summer has made sense. I imagine that positive thinking begets positive outcomes, but I am rapidly getting to a place of unpositivity. I am literally racing away from negative thoughts, but they sure are slick in finding their way back to you, or in this case me.
Please, please, don't give up on me. When I tell you that you mean the world to me, Dear Readers, you really do. I hate neglecting you, that is why I am blogging right now. You may wonder why it took me over a month...really the feat that I have undertaken really does keep me busy. Its not just you, my personal & family life has suffered as a whole.
Now that I am here, I am feeling slightly renewed. My relationship with you, Dear Readers, does sustain me. I missed you. Correction: I miss you. I am not going to make promises of my return. I can assure you that I will be back, I just can't promise you a date.
Everyday, whether I am aware of it or not, a little bit of me wishes I was in front of my pc typing away to you.
Thank you for your understanding.
You get me. That's why I love you.
Lola
I want you to be aware that I am currently going through some things of a personal nature. That is the only reason that I've been so absent. I miss you and I miss writing, but its hard for me to disconnect from my everyday enough to lie to you. I can't just find some random thing to blog about. Ok. That is an untruth. I can really find random things, but I am going through so much, I feel that I will cheat you. I want to share with you, but the time is not right. I just feel entirely too distracted to be the Lola that you need me to be. If I am going to have to censor myself and not be 100% with you, you will pick it up in my writing.
I don't want to leave you hanging, so you can eliminate the following:
1. Sickness
2. Lovely
3. WondaKids
I would think that those are the main things that you would fear. I am quite healthy and yes, still head over heels with my Lovely, and lastly, the WondaKids are quite wonderful.
All of my turmoil is solely based on me. I set out to do something and though it is not more than I expected, sometimes it seems more than I can handle. I don't know if that makes sense--trust me, I don't think anything over the last summer has made sense. I imagine that positive thinking begets positive outcomes, but I am rapidly getting to a place of unpositivity. I am literally racing away from negative thoughts, but they sure are slick in finding their way back to you, or in this case me.
Please, please, don't give up on me. When I tell you that you mean the world to me, Dear Readers, you really do. I hate neglecting you, that is why I am blogging right now. You may wonder why it took me over a month...really the feat that I have undertaken really does keep me busy. Its not just you, my personal & family life has suffered as a whole.
Now that I am here, I am feeling slightly renewed. My relationship with you, Dear Readers, does sustain me. I missed you. Correction: I miss you. I am not going to make promises of my return. I can assure you that I will be back, I just can't promise you a date.
Everyday, whether I am aware of it or not, a little bit of me wishes I was in front of my pc typing away to you.
Thank you for your understanding.
You get me. That's why I love you.
Lola
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