The End

Dear Readers:

The end of a love affair hurts so much. Perhaps I should not be writing this, but at this point, why censor?

Love feels so good when it is good, but the minute it goes bad, you (or at least I)feel like you are watching deleted scenes from a movie. I want to say that I have no regrets, but sometimes I wonder if present feelings are worth the past or is it the other way around?

Readers, there is no way that I can be up with anything right now. I apologize to you because I have been inattentive. I know that I am always apologizing for that. My heart has been heavy lately. I swear I try to go on, but....

By no means are you to think that I am in danger of hurting myself. All the hurt that I am feeling was coming, whether by someone else or by my own hand. I did not take care of my heart or the heart of my loved one and here is where we stand.

In fact, we stand apart. The only thing joining us at this point is pain. Funny, pain is what bought us together. The saying is, "how you get them, is how you lose them". I guess that is true.

Readers, I have been holding back on my blog because you deserve better than this. I have been trying to be optimistic and it is not working. I spend all my time either manically giggling or hysterically crying. How would you feel? How would you communicate?

I either want to cut myself off from the world or uber engage myself, just to prevent being alone. This upcoming weekend I will be alone to face my demons, all of them.

I don't know what that means, I don't know what to expect. I will be working on my own and have decided not to call anyone. Readers, my "real time friends" have been so supportive, I think, rather I know, that everyone needs a break from me.

Shit, I need a break from me.

I am back on Facebook. I left FB because it gave me a false sense of security. I didn't think that I was missing anything because I was always there. All of my friends, new and old, in one place.....one stop shopping. Unfortunately, I've had to face my loneliness, as that will be the only way to combat it.

I decided that FB is not the culprit.

Lesson One in Self:
1. Don't Lay Blame.

I have to take responsibility for myself. I can no longer push everything on others. See, the problem is, when I push my problems on others they do one of two things:
1. Ignore them. This angers me because WTF??
2. Offer advice. This angers me because WTF??

If I am getting the same results, why bother? I understand that it will be more work for me, handling my own shit, but maybe that is what I need.

Dear Readers, I am blogging at work, so that is why I am all over the place. Honestly, there is no one place where I could be at peace with myself right now.

Lesson Two in Self:
2. Love Yourself.

I know you have heard that before. Yada yada yada...it is so true! It is really hard to put yourself before others, but it is very important. You know what is annoying about the important stuff? They are the hardest to accomplish. I think so. I keep forgetting to love myself first and sometimes I think I am doing a great job and then...nope....I suck at it.

The thing is, sometimes when you love yourself, people think that you are being selfish. Yet, I've been told to be selfish. The very people who tell you to be selfish, will be the first to accuse you of such behavior when THEY feel shorted.

Funny stuff?

Yeah man.

Ok. I don't know what I've accomplished, but perhaps after reading this again, I will find some pearl of something or another.

Right now, I have to get back to work.

Ew.

You get me, that's why I love you (still).

Lola