Now What? This is the blog that never ends....

Dear Readers:

There comes a time in every one's life where you have tried many different approaches to life's many wtfs and you come to the near damning conclusion that
clearly,
clearly,
clearly,
every damn move you have made in oh say the past 35 (spoiler) years has been a tragic misfortuned set up to your regularly scheduled program.

At this time, you can try various methods to bring yourself back to reality or push yourself further off the edge.

So further off,
further,
further,
further,
now don't look down, that when you finally, gracelessly fall clear off the damn edge, no one even knows to look for you or quite possibly
does not,
not even a bit,
give a damn that you fell off.

It is not because they don't care. Life just has so much going on that you can't possibly expect anyone in their right mind or at the very least right in your own mind to walk all the way to the edge and look over for your silly ass.

What if they fall off? Gracelessly.

It kind of makes sense then to go with option one, and that is bring yourself back to reality. Dear Readers, I have a confession to make or quite possibly a revelation, I hope you are seated in an armchair with a deep seat and high arms...

My grasp on reality is nothing to talk about.
I am not the most realistic person you will ever come across.

Surprised?

Here is the thing, and if nothing else..if you have been here for the past 70+ blogs, or you just got here or you were looking for something else and hell now you are stuck in this abyss....

Reality sucks.

Here are some facets of reality that suck, I mean all of reality sucks, but who am I to list them all?

1. Bills will always be due. Even if you pay them monthly. Even if your Uncle Herbert leaves you a grip (high school for money), you will still have to pay the following month.

2. Love is a huge waste of time. Key the smallest violin, I am quite serious. It is not your fault or maybe this leads to number 3...

3. Yes it is. EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT. The sooner you recognize this fact, the quicker you can go ahead and admit to it, apologize and then at the best part repeat the same jacked up behavior.

4. Your children or the children of your friends (if you are childless) will dick you over. They can't help it. It is in their genetic make up. The point of children is to remind you of your faults...see #3.

5. No matter how much weight you lose, you will never find the perfect pair of jeans. This is corporate America making sure that you respond to anything that remotely looks like a sale. You poor pathetic loser, if you happen to find a pair of underwear that does not suck your ass into an abyss of nothingness...good luck.

6. Vitamins do not make a difference in your life. GNC is a joke. Eat veggies, lots of them, green ones are the best. Walk up the stairs, drink water and just live your life.

7. Ranting bloggers make very little sense as I see that this list is losing steam quickly.

8. Around every corner is someone who does not like you for reasons that only they are aware. I mean, I dislike people and it is so unfair. I am aware of that, and that has nothing to do with reality, that is my own bit of lolaness. These people who don't like you will never have anything good/bad to say about you, because in order to hate you, they can only say bad things but when they say bad things they look like assholes and when they say good things they look like kiss asses.

I am going to stop this list because as I read back, I sound like Dane Cook and Dane Cook is not paying my bills, so FIN.

Dear Readers..I am sorry for my aggression but I just feel like at my age I should not have to deal with so much. I did not anticipate the series of unfortunate events that have been dealt to me as of late.

Readers, I am a good person. I swear I am. Everything that I do is with the best intentions. I think my issue lately is that I don't really think things out. That would be my issue with reality.

Do you have any idea how often a millisecond after something has left my mouth, I think....noooooooooo whhhhhhhhhy did I sayyyyyy thattttttt....NOW WHAT??

I am tired of it. I am at a place where I feel that my voice serves no purpose than to upset. I really think I need to take a vow of silence. Of course that means I cannot have any forms of communication, not my blog, not a post it, not even my old standbys, marble notebooks.

Really, choose your words and use them. I don't want to say another word, because I am sure that I have managed with this blog to chip away at myself more. Soon there will be nothing left.

This weekend a friend told me that I don't know how to shut up. That stung a little bit, because growing up I was told that a lot. I am starting to believe that that will be my only salvation, to stfu.

Why not? Why should I keep talking? Words that I say do nothing more than manifest a broader wedge between myself and what I want the most.

So
it
makes
perfect
sense
to
for
once
and
for
effing
all

STFU.

I don't know how I can do it. It does help that I am harvesting this lump in my throat. It is best to keep it away from air, because than shit goes down, way down, no homo.

Dear Readers, what you need to know and this may be as important as the lesson regarding reality...

I am hanging precariously on a thin thread of sanity. This may be my cry for help or it may be too late. I will always be Lola and I will always have a kind word, smile or shoulder for anyone who needs it, but now at this time of personal need, I've opted to choose the middle ground between reality and the edge.

What's the middle ground?

I am going to dumb my life down to the basics. I still know how to breath and walk and for the most part, the art of both, even simultaneously has never failed me.

Eat well.
Sleep well.
Read books.
Reflect.
Be a friend to all (in need or otherwise).
Only set my own expectations for myself.<----that is tough because 1)I don't really set high expectations, 2)It is way funner to set expectations for others,(esp. high).

I have to add more to that list, but one of the secrets to maneuvering life is setting small bites. Don't overwhelm yourself.

I don't know what else to say.

You get me, that's why I love you,


Lola