The End

Dear Readers:

The end of a love affair hurts so much. Perhaps I should not be writing this, but at this point, why censor?

Love feels so good when it is good, but the minute it goes bad, you (or at least I)feel like you are watching deleted scenes from a movie. I want to say that I have no regrets, but sometimes I wonder if present feelings are worth the past or is it the other way around?

Readers, there is no way that I can be up with anything right now. I apologize to you because I have been inattentive. I know that I am always apologizing for that. My heart has been heavy lately. I swear I try to go on, but....

By no means are you to think that I am in danger of hurting myself. All the hurt that I am feeling was coming, whether by someone else or by my own hand. I did not take care of my heart or the heart of my loved one and here is where we stand.

In fact, we stand apart. The only thing joining us at this point is pain. Funny, pain is what bought us together. The saying is, "how you get them, is how you lose them". I guess that is true.

Readers, I have been holding back on my blog because you deserve better than this. I have been trying to be optimistic and it is not working. I spend all my time either manically giggling or hysterically crying. How would you feel? How would you communicate?

I either want to cut myself off from the world or uber engage myself, just to prevent being alone. This upcoming weekend I will be alone to face my demons, all of them.

I don't know what that means, I don't know what to expect. I will be working on my own and have decided not to call anyone. Readers, my "real time friends" have been so supportive, I think, rather I know, that everyone needs a break from me.

Shit, I need a break from me.

I am back on Facebook. I left FB because it gave me a false sense of security. I didn't think that I was missing anything because I was always there. All of my friends, new and old, in one place.....one stop shopping. Unfortunately, I've had to face my loneliness, as that will be the only way to combat it.

I decided that FB is not the culprit.

Lesson One in Self:
1. Don't Lay Blame.

I have to take responsibility for myself. I can no longer push everything on others. See, the problem is, when I push my problems on others they do one of two things:
1. Ignore them. This angers me because WTF??
2. Offer advice. This angers me because WTF??

If I am getting the same results, why bother? I understand that it will be more work for me, handling my own shit, but maybe that is what I need.

Dear Readers, I am blogging at work, so that is why I am all over the place. Honestly, there is no one place where I could be at peace with myself right now.

Lesson Two in Self:
2. Love Yourself.

I know you have heard that before. Yada yada yada...it is so true! It is really hard to put yourself before others, but it is very important. You know what is annoying about the important stuff? They are the hardest to accomplish. I think so. I keep forgetting to love myself first and sometimes I think I am doing a great job and then...nope....I suck at it.

The thing is, sometimes when you love yourself, people think that you are being selfish. Yet, I've been told to be selfish. The very people who tell you to be selfish, will be the first to accuse you of such behavior when THEY feel shorted.

Funny stuff?

Yeah man.

Ok. I don't know what I've accomplished, but perhaps after reading this again, I will find some pearl of something or another.

Right now, I have to get back to work.

Ew.

You get me, that's why I love you (still).

Lola

Untitled

Dear Readers:

Sorry for the spazzed title. I keep rewriting the title of this blog. Typically I write the blog first, then title it, but nothing is typical lately. I hardly know where to start, so I guess that is going to be the mood of this blog, untitled.

I am happy that you are here. I really am. Thank you. The school year is ending so my first official year of teaching is coming to an end. My classes are coming to an end for the time being.

I am a teacher, so I can grade. If I were to grade my teaching performance I'd give myself a C-. Trust me, Dear Readers, I am doing myself a favor. I am being very kind. I don't really think that I taught as much as kept myself from drowning. Really, it was, it is, a mess. I love my students, really love them, because they put up with some much lolafoolery. I kind of feel sorry for them, since this year was a wash, but I will pay in the end. I have so much ish to do with them for the next two years. OMG...I will more than have my foot in my ass, I will be supporting damn near my whole leg...yes, in my ass. So a C- it is.

As far a grad school

Big F! F- if possible. I have never had such dismal academic performance. I was late, absent and disengaged. I was every teacher's nightmare. I didn't complete my homework on time, if at all. I barely said a peep during class, rather I played with my cell phone. I was sullen. All of my assignments were half assed and late. I don't know what my grades will look like, but I am firm believer in preparing for the worst, so yeah....

F-

I didn't even rent, much less buy the textbooks. Lol. I will feel it, I am sure. There is the other leg up my ass.

I must take this time to congradulate myself on being professional, as professional as I can be, as I really don't feel like blogging about this, but I promised you a blog, Dear Readers, and I won't let you down.

Though....I learned something about myself tonight. I have let people down in my life with my bohemian ways. I need to find a balance and I can't or I won't. So what does that say about me? I have always boasted about loving hard, I bet if you go through my blogs you will find that I say the frequently. You know what? Maybe I am a liar. I am, actually, another lesson. My grandmother (whom I miss terribly, 9/20/04) always would tell me that it is ok for a little white lie, with two major reasons: to not hurt someone and to not hurt yourself. To not hurt someone is quite explanatory, why hurt people when a little white lie could prevent it? As far as hurting yourself, Grandma had us all convinced that something would happen to us if we didn't lie...usually rape or some other terrible crime. What?? Whaaaaaat?? Please allow me to explaing. Here is the scenario that she was fond of:

Stranger: Well Hello Good Looking
Me: Oh Hello
Stranger: So are you here by yourself/walking alone/waiting for someone/work here (etc, that part was variable)
Me: Haha, actually I am waiting for my father/boyfriend/husband/brother, the Chief of Police/CIA/FBI/Fireman to pick me up.

Get it?

She meant well.

I have told my share of lies in my life. Shit, a portion of them were to the very person that advised me to do so. I love her. I love you, Katherine Mendez, we are bulls, like you.

Maybe I told too many, maybe I made mistakes, but I never, NEVER told them in the wrong spirit. I've never told them to hurt anyone, I've never told them for my own gain, except of course to protect myself from The Killer. I wish I could take some if not all of my lies back. At this point, I wonder what difference that would make.

I guess it wouldn't hurt the very people that I hoped to protect.

So here I am, all reflective and whatnot and where does it leave me? Nowhere. Same place, different time. You would think that this blog would get me somewhere, but again it is untitled, so go figure.

Dear Readers, now is another great time for Dear Reader Feedback. I wish you could all advise me, but there are somethings preventing you. The obvious, you are not here in real time with me as I write and the other....I have not really told you what I need help on.

Ah another fine trait. I don't have too much issue with what I want, more so the how to get it, keep it, maintain it.

Those two lines prior to this one make no sense for a reason. I beg your forgiveness.

I am so besides myself I don't know what to say or even what to want anymore. I prepared myself for this moment, but it is similar to preparing for the loss of a loved one. You can say everything that you want, do all the last things that you wanted to do, and swear to everyone that you are ready, you got this, you have a contingency and then shit happens and

oh
what
really
I
uh
damn

That is where I am.

You get me, that's why I love you.

Lola

(I did not get to edit this blog, nor will I, untitled=unconcerned)

Quote to Know or at least I think so...

"When someone sees the same people every day, they wind up becoming part of that person's life. And then they want the person to change. If someone isn't what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.

I don't like to blog on my touch. I just came across this quote online and had to share
This blog is unofficial but that quote up there is the truth. We will discuss as soon as I get to a pc.

You get me, that's why I love you.

Lola

WTH...It's April

What the hell?

Dear Friends:

If you are reading this, than I have blogged. LOL! The WTH above is because I started this blog, went to look up the correct spelling of a word and then when I back keyed, my blog was gone. Yeah. So, WTH! In case you are wondering the correct spelling is conscientious.

If I had to lose everything, let's make it worthwhile.

Oh Dear Readers. So much is going on. How about a short list, let's say...ten? I do the occasional list because I know Dear Readers who work well with lists. You all that don't appreciate lists, I will try to ease up for the next two blogs.

Top Ten Things Going On In No Specific Order:

1. My first year of teaching is almost over.
2. I am doing terrible in grad school.
3. I've lost 30+ pounds since November 20 (I remember because it was the week of Thanksgiving, or as I like to call it, The Thanksgiving That Never Happened)
4. Both WondaKids are heading to different schools, one middle and one high.
5. Ferris The Skirt Eating Dog is Gone.
6. I am reinventing myself, at least that is my excuse for erratic behavior.
7. I went scrap booking and I just may like it.
8. I need a change, see #6.
9. I am thinking way too hard to fill in this one, and that's not what blogging (at least for me) is about so freak this and #10.

Sometimes, Dear Readers, I wish you and I could just go out. I don't know, maybe to karaoke. I mean, the majority of you, at the very least, those of you so bold to announce your allegiance by being my followers, I know all of you.

Are there any others? Is today the first time you are reading? I gave my blog address to a few newbies. Are you here newbies? Do you like what you see?

One of the newbies, or maybe two are scrapbookers. You ladies are really on to something with that scrap booking. It is so much fun. I will be totally honest, I was not eager to start but once I did...Well well well. I was not excited about my elbow being glued to my pjs, but there is something so relaxing about it.

And I tell you, I really need to relax. Lately, I've been more erratic than ever. I have more going on that I care to talk about but I can tell you..O....M....G...!

If we could talk one on one, Dear Readers, I'd be a little more forthcoming. I know that some of you tend to worry about me, so I will tell you that there is nothing wrong with me.

It depends on what your definition of wrong is. I bet I meet it. Ah well.

Anyhow enough about me. How are you? How have you been? Any plans for spring break? Wait, was that insensitive? Do you have spring break? Teachers and students, say heeeeeeey~~!!

Well I am not going anywhere. I have shit to do for work and school and I don't know what I will get to. I have to do my school work and I don't feel like it in the least. I am really procrastinating and really not doing what I should be doing. I am not learning jack from grad school and I am starting to think that its just like the Fellowship, a whole lot of endurance.

This summer I should throw all of my Dear Readers a bbq. I learned how to bbq many summers ago. Good things happen at bbqs. You just can't go wrong with grills, meat and bbq sauce. You would be hard pressed to find a better place for good things to happen, maybe a field.

Alas!!! Enough, wax on, wax off Lolalicious.

Hey if you play Words with Friends on your Ipod. Look me up. I am not uber good, but I don't suck either. No homo.

My Words With Friends user name is Lolalicious.

I'd be so happy to see you.

You get me, that's why I love you.

Lola

At a friends party.....

I am under the influence....at a friend's birthday party...she is thirty something...I know what 30...I am just under the influence.

So I have lost weight and a few other things.

Your Lola has been through changes, you just don't know. Thank God I can censor myself. I spelled that with a s,,,,oh boy.

I will be back with things of worth soon...sorry to Facebook, you mean so much more than that.

You get me, that's why I love you.

Lola

Flies and Design

Hello Dear Readers and Happy New Year,

So...I am here at GreenFab. GreenFab is one of the work sites where my students intern on Mondays and Thursdays. I am a little unclear about what they do here, though I know its all about sustainable living.

Sustainable living is what I am doing, actually. I have so much to do, so much going on that it takes everything for me to survive.

sus·tain·a·ble (s-stn-bl)
adj.
1. Capable of being sustained.
2. Capable of being continued with minimal long-term effect on the environment:

I like to say that I am practicing sustainable survival.

sur·viv·al (sr-vvl)
n.
1.
a. The act or process of surviving.
b. The fact of having survived.
2. Something, such as an ancient custom or belief, that has survived.

I do not think that you need definitions, but now that I am a teacher...I'm so extra.

I make myself tired. I am capable of surviving continually with minimal long-term effect on myself. Now that I read that back, I'm concerned. Hmmm..and the feeling has passed.

You must wonder what I mean by the flies. Or maybe not, well I'm going to tell you. There are loads of little pesky flies here. I don't know where there come from, though I think that the most likely source is the combination of that water bottle finagled garden in the next room. It's amazing, how Poland Spring bottles and tubing can sustain a garden and its beautiful...but I think that's where the little flies are coming from. Another more obvious source...the teens. Teens have trouble getting rid of their garbage. I walked in this morning to a mysterious plastic bag on the desk. Said plastic bag is still there. Its shape hint toward a greasy paper plate that housed a pizza. I'm only guessing pizza because its not a McDonald's bag or a Thank You Come Again deli plastic bag. Most teens and I can say this with certainty, live off of greasy pizza, McDonald's and Chinese.

It is what it is. Today they didn't even blink when I whipped out my Laughing Cow Cheese spread and Ritz Crackers. They used to crack up. OMG!!!! What are you eating!!?? I swear, my eating habits were fodder for conversation from September to at the very least yesterday, when I dined on sardines and graham crackers. The graham crackers were leftovers from my breakfast. I DID NOT plan to eat the crackers with my sardines and there was no touching of the two.

Don't judge me.


I'm here today because they were short teachers, but apparently, that deficit has changed as there are four teachers here, and I'm not even counting myself. There are about thirteen teens. I don't need to be here and in fact I'm not doing anything, as you can see. I am about to fabricate a few tests for tomorrow. Yaaayyyy tests!!! Let's see...science, ELA and maybe even math...bwaaa haaa haaaa.

Ok..I felt guilty for just sitting here, so I took a quick walk around the groups. Aw...I care.

Yeah.

Did I tell you all about my dog? He ate my Gap skirt, but I returned it. There is so much more to the story. The deal is, I adopted a puppy for Christmas. I love animals and I love nurturing. I saved this puppy from a bad place. He has the NERVE to eat my skirt. The other day, I found him on my bed with my skirt in his mouth. Wow. For someone just peeking at this blog, that could be quite the sentence. Anyhow, I was furious, as this was on New Year's Eve. It would have been just as annoying any other night, but still. I was all dressed up and on my way out and I find that Ferris had a mouthful of my gorgeous skirt.

I called and texted few people to complain, because that is what I do. The consensus was to return it to the Gap and exchange it. I was nervous. All I needed was for the cashier to say, OMG, DID A MINI COLLIE DINGO PUPPY EAT YOUR SKIRT? She didn't. Whew...but she did call another cashier over to look at it. The conversation was more like, OMG, DID YOU SEE THIS SKIRT? WHOAAAA! I didn't have much hope in finding the skirt again, since it was on the sale rack, but YEEEEESSSS I found it! It is still in the bag, hanging from one of the many hooks in my closet.

I learned a valuable lesson that night. A puppy will eat ANYTHING. I was under the impression that he would only eat chewy things and/or things that taste like chicken. I did not think he would develop a taste for a soft blue with red squares skirt. I know that I'm naive.

These flies are super annoying. The teens are almost as annoying, which is why I am squirreled away at the end of the table. Every now and then, I glare at them. It is too funny how that gets them in check. What's funnier is that I am typing pretty fast and "funny" started out as "cunny". Whoa...did you see this skirt??

Teens love to use profanity. They are so predictable. I can't even use words like predictable because it sounds to much like dick. No homo.

Oh My Cheezus. Alas, I must work...on my other blog and then on classwork, tests, and etc.

You get me. That's why I love you.

Lola

Like If You Plunge

Dear Readers:

I was not going to write tonight, as I have sustained an injury. For the past 21 minutes I have been futilely trying to unclog the toilet. My poor blogging hands are calloused and I speak to you tonight in pain. Yeah.

Here is the thing...I had a conversation with a friend recently and she groused about how the ONLY time she ever had to unclog her toilet is when children were in her home. At the time, I thought the conversation to be funny, but now....

I am disgusted to agree. The only damn time I touch that plunger is when the CHILDREN (mine and yours) clog the toilet. I don't know why or how. I just don't get it. I do really think that if I were childless, I would not even need a plunger.

With that being said, here is a list of things that I would not need if I were childless, in no particular order:

1. Locks on the doors
2. Ice Tea Mix
3. Pink Toothpaste with sparkly things
4. Two cable boxes
5. Peroxide
6. Excedrin Tension Headache
7. Hiding places for my "stuff"
8. PC passwords
9. A two bedroom apartment (that I freaking pay for and clean)
10. Pajamas

I did not add in the plunger, because we already touched on that. I kind of got stuck around #8, to the point that I was looking around for inspiration. As I look at that list, it is accurate. I'm sure that I can add more, but do we really want to depress me more.

Parenting is exhausting and I love my WondaKids anyway. Parenting in not for everyone. I can't say what one would need to be a great parent, but you sure as hell better know how to handle a plunger.

It's late, my hands are calloused and THE FREAKING TOILET is still clogged. I'm tired so freak it. It will be the last toilet that I unclog this year. Maybe I should keep a log.

Yawn. I had more to say today, but that incident really pissed me off, pun intended.

You get me, that's why I love you.

Lola