Ninth Tuesday

Dear Readers,

Hello, hello, hello, salutations! Yes, I know its not really Tuesday, but bear with me. I'm an artist and we need to be cut a little slack, especially me, I am the Original Slacker, wait, maybe that didn't come out right. Alright, we can go on like this all day. Dear Readers, I am OVERFLOWING with thoughts. You must understand that you are always in a corner of my mind and if I had the ability to do so I would blog all day, straight to you, intravenously. Where to begin?

It was bought to my attention recently that I always have a separate conversation going on in my head; I think I might be talking to you. The problem with the second conversation in my head is that the actual conversation that is being verbalized at the time is not in sync, causing all types of what the hell. I think an example is appropriate...right now, as I type this, one part of my brain is working on getting my thoughts to the keyboard-while another part of my brain is questioning whether this is what I want to be expressing, and still yet another part of my brain is questioning why I would give something so much consideration. If you've ever been in a mirror room, where you were able to see yourself from different prospectives all at one time, then you can understand where I'm coming from. This might be why I sometimes seem so scatterbrained.

What do you think? Please don't all answer at once and save your snickers for yo'mama. I'm telling you this because you need to know. Well perhaps not all of you, but I'm sure someone can use this information about me...maybe mostly me.

Click Here! to help send my kids to college!! Your Click! will save a child! I'm trying to delicately sedgeway to my first (or second depending on what you got out of the previous convo)topic today. Unless you live under a rock, you must know about the unfortunately named swine flu. I'm not going to discuss swine flu-its not the first flu, its not the last-wash your hands, take precautions, live your life. The only real victim here is the poor pig. As if a pig does not have enough to worry about, now something else negative is associated with it. Didn't ANYONE read Charlotte's Web?? Anyway. The Click Here! is what I want to discuss. I was watching the news recently (I know, right?) and they were discussing blogging for MONEY. Yes, MONEY-could I get paid for this?? Upon further investigation, I found that the only way I could get paid is if I attach ads to my blog and somehow coerce you to Click! on them. There is a bookmark on this site, called Monetize, where I can start the money flowing. Long story short, I'm not doing it. I don't want to compromise my Dear Readers for a little extra cash. Why should I? Sure I could use the cash, but I only get paid when you've Clicked! a certain amount of times, thus causing the money to overflow from the sponsers pockets to my meek mailbox in the form of a check. I just don't want to. I know that you enjoy reading, and I don't expect anything for you in payment. Actually. If you are so concerned about my wellbeing, the children going to college and me affording my dream car, we can arrange this right now. You can just send me money! Why go through all that Clicking! when we can just eliminate the middle man? We can all work together. I can't afford a PO box, so I'll just have to pray that no one uses my home address to C*****L**t me. Hee. That's After the money starts coming, maybe I will invest in a PO box-so's not to tempt anyone. OMG..what a plan! Let me know if you are interested.

To show how much I care about society I am willing to give a portion of my earnings to a cause close and dear to my heart, The Wear A T-Shirt That Fits For Crying Out Loud, aka WATSTFFCOL Fund. I am so tired seeing these sad, sorry bellies everywhere I go. Ladies. If anyone can see any part of your midsection, your shirt does not fit.

In a society where pants that don't extend to cover your socks are called high waters (where's the fire), I don't understand what's so difficult about wearing other shirts that fit. If your thong is cutting into your spine, do you continue to wear it? There are variations to this heinous crime. A short sleeve shirt should not fit your arms like its a tank top, nor should there be marks left on your poor squeezed arms at the end of the day. Your breasts need space...it warms my heart to see a woman wearing a shirt her actual size-her breasts are able to bounce freely, happily like God intended..smooshing them in a shirt to the point of uniboob is NOT OK. How dare you?

I see that you want the world to know that you have breasts, but if your shirt is so tight that your nipples are flattened, how feminine are you really? You know what, now that I think about it, you tight-shirted offenders like to make matters worse by wearing too small, too low, too tight jeans. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Do you know what you accomplish now? You smoosh your breasts to a uniboob, you give your stomach no choice but to be pushed unnaturally low to your waist, your jeans are so tight that your stomach can't even find a place to land, leaving it squeezed O U T T O H E R E.

Now what could have been considered a "spare tire" is now a whole Mac truck wrapped around your waist. Actually what waist? You criminals don't even know where your waist is, because if you did, you might know what size your jeans should be.

I need a breather.

Listen, I don't like to judge anyone. This is why I am willing to help anyone who needs it. I Will Help You Determine Your Shirt Size. Ok? This is many years of misinformation. Its not really your fault. Someone should tell you. If I didn't want to live, I guess I would take it upon myself and tell you to your face and not in a blog that you may not read anyway. How do you even sit in that get-up?

Special note to you girls that do all of the above but somehow manage to YANK the shirt down far enough to TUCK into the too tight, too small, too low jeans and secure the whole PACKAGE with a belt.

THERE. IS. NO. HOPE. FOR. YOU.

I can't save everyone. Mind you, all girls, regardless of the body type do this madness. Skinny chicks, you are not free from scrutiny. If you are wearing clothes that are too small, you actually end up looking out of shape. Please Ladies, wear clothes that fit, do the world a favor.

Men: You are not off the hook. Let me tell you, I thought I really hated loose jeans hanging to your knees and for the life of me, I could not figure how you walk and keep them up...I was mortified when y'all started wearing itsy-bitsy Children's Place jeans...you have added WTF to OMG by wearing the same itsy-bitsy CP jeans hanging to your knees. No excuses for you, none at all. Also, since I am a feminist (read:lesbian) I won't allocate any of my WATSTFFCOL monies to help you out. Sorry. If you can spend so much on a pair of jeans that WILL NEVER FIT you correctly, then you can start your own fund.

I'm winded. Send me some money for a new t-shirt, cold medication and a psychiatrist and I'll write you in the morning.



You get me, that's why I love you.


Lola