Dear Readers:
It was mentioned to me yesterday by a particularly beautiful Dear Reader that my blogs were cause of concern. She seemed to be a little worried about me. Well, you are correct.
Worry!
Kidding.
Actually this blog just might be about happiness. I don't know why but lately I don't feel so dark. I'd like to pin it on my happy pills, but I really just started. I guess I am just doing a little better.
I have been speaking to some wise people, Dear Readers and Otherwise, and they are helping me. I don't even know if they know it. Whether you do or don't, thank you.
I am still steadfast against any sort of love. Ewww. Yeah, I am so over it. I heard somewhere that the more you deny something, the more it is your thing.
ie Homophobia
and Gassy Farters
Maybe I am not over it, I just think that life will be easier without it. Set no expectations for others and spare yourself the aggravation.
I am having a great weekend, with good food, good friends and a sexy new pair of sandals. These sandals are giving me a foot fetish. Remember the boots that did that? I swear the only reason I could look forward to cooler weather is to wear my boots.
Today my day started with laughter and I have the same hopes for my day end. Of course there is a little crack in the meantime, while waiting for this boy who lives in my apartment to get the damn trash out. I just don't understand why it is such a struggle to take out a damn bag of trash. I guess it is on me to beat him? Too much energy. Maybe I will take a pic and make it his new FB profile pic. Yeaaaaah.
The other person who lives in my home, the girl...is accompanying me to a dinner party. I almost don't feel like going. In fact, I am only going so that the girl can eat dinner.
She will have to eat outside, because for as long as this apartment looks like this, they can live on free summer school meals. I was asked today why I cared about the garbage, since I am out all the time.
I had no answer for that. Why do I care? If they want to live like squatters, why should I care? I am going to fix them. They love my cooking...what they don't know is that this week I will only cook the stuff that I like: grains and veggies. Eventually they will break down.
You can't go to jail for child abuse if you cut off junk/fast food, right? When I look at the obesity rates in this country, I almost think its the right thing to have fat kids.
I should go get ready. But first let me tell you about my happiness:
I am happy because despite everything else, I have a great life. I go and I come as I please and I am surrounded by people who love me. I have fabulous friends and I am not lacking in entertainment. I am doing ok. I picked up a new self help book and I looking forward to helping myself.
I need to comb my hair. I almost feel like deleting this blog as I don't think I've said much of anything. Oh...an awesome WondaBaby got his very first haircut. If nothing else, I've said that.
I love him.
You get me, that's why I love you,
Lola
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
82nd Blog "I think I deserve something beautiful."
Dear Readers,
Last time we were together I mentioned that I had stopped counting my blogs. Today I decided to do the math and I calculated 78. Upon further review, ie, duh the amount is right on my home page, I noticed that the number is actually 81. Eighty-one blogs since 2009.
It occurred to me that maybe I should read through a few of the blogs from 2009 if for nothing else just to make this blog about all the things that could change in the span of two years and 81 blogs.
I decided against that.
How are you this day? I don't know what time you visit, so I don't know what good part of the day I should wish you.
Good Morning.
Good Afternoon.
Good Night.
It is high morning as I write this. I have been up since about 5am. You would think I would sleep in being off of work, but I actually had to be up. It's like that and that's the way it is. Huh!
Break for a happy pill.
BRB.
That is one thing that has changed in two years and 81 blogs. I had to seize and hold my happiness and it seemed that the only way to effectively do that was to procure some happy pills. Things don't get to me as much now. They still do, but the happies take the edge off.
I also have sleepy pills. Oh that makes me think of Kevin Hart. One sec, as I am dying to set up my Netflix for a little early morning hee hee.
Good thing I've always been this sporadic, otherwise, I'd be blaming these tangents on the happies.
I hope that I can concentrate on this blog with Kevin Hart in the background.
SAY IT WITCHA CHESSSSSSSS!!
lol
So this morning, during my travels, I was thinking about how fortunate I am. I am pretty damn fortunate. A friend recently texted me and asked how I was doing. I texted back, forlornly that I was in the middle of a pedicure, had a lunch date, play date and then dinner plans and she promptly texted me back...I am overweight, hungry, and at a job that I hate, please stop bitching.....you got it good.
She is right.
I DO have it good.
That being said, I wonder about others, how do you have it? Is your life good? Do you have friends telling you to stop your bitching? Lol.
I love my friends. For the most part, they center me, they do, they really do. Sometimes they will say things that make me suck my teeth and roll my eyes, but they are right.
You guys, I know that you are right. Just like you know that I am not up to that higher level thinking.
I know you have put up with a lot from me over the past year and probably prior to that, but I guess I was such an attention whore, I didn't realize that my life sucked the air out of the room.
Please let this blog be an open apology to you. I didn't mean it. Thank you for still pulling my chain when necessary and not necessary (freakers).
I love you.
During my travels, at the end of my reflection about how good I have it..I thought about what a great partner I am. I mean, I am not seriously involved with anyone right now, but when I take inventory of the beds I've shared over the years, I'm not too shabby.
I love hard, really hard, and that can be overwhelming. I didn't think it could be overwhelming until a really outspoken friend told me that I was. There go my friends again.
She said, ____ (cause she so special, she has a special nickname for me)______, you know what your problem is?
I didn't ask what. She proceeded.
Your problem is you love TOO hard. It is all good in the beginning and then after awhile, its just too much. Stop doing that, ____, hold back a bit. Save some for yourself. Don't get hurt so easy.
Then we had more wine.
She does not read this blog. If she needs something from me, she will text. We are very close and our main mode of communication is texting.
One second, as this summer school bound kid is working my nerve...be right back. Happy pill, please help me....
LOL Kevin Hart is cursing out his teacher! Listen if you have Netflix or Blockbuster (damn dinosaur), please, please rent Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny.
He is killing me.
I had to put the coffee on for this kid who is on his way to summer school. What a colossal waste of a summer.
Either way, I am living. Yes, you read it right. I know that I have fallen off the wagon a few times, but I am doing pretty good. Even with a little help. There is nothing wrong with help, especially when you need it as much as me.
I am wondering about the next phase of my life. I have many more blogs to pen, with or without the cats, with or without a partner.
I am my own best friend. I do love hard, but I do not fear my love. I do not shy away from the love that I give. I live for it. Not enough to tattoo the ish on me, but strong enough to feel it in everything that I do. Every single thing that I do, I do with love.
I don't have to wait for anyone to realize that as I've already realized it. Go me....
I had a conversation with another friend and I felt awfully wise because I figured something out about her. Something that she knew but was concerned about admitting out loud. Shooot....own your ish. If that is who you are, embrace it.
I surely embrace myself.
So I figured out something about this friend that others either missed or were unwilling to deal with. I am cool.
My standards have fluctuated over the past two years and 81 blogs. Things that I didn't think I could handle, I can now. On the same note stuff that seemed easy then are not easy now.
People change. Someone else I used to know was fond of saying, if you don't change what I need you to change, I change. That is not the exact way she would say it and you'd think I'd know the shit word for word the amount of times I heard it...but it was pretty much that.
I don't know if that is how I feel. I don't know how down I am with changing myself when others cease to change around me. Why not just accept them the way that they are without changing who you are?
Imagine if I changed myself every single time someone refused to conform to a vision that I had?
I would be a unicorn by now...a damn unicorn.
"Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
In other words...I think, stop wishing that circumstances are catering to you and just work with what you have...
I think it means more than that but I am pretty sure that Elizabeth didn't mean to shut down emotionally and stubbornly glare at the offending person who would not conform to your standards.
How DARE you not be the way that I WANT YOU TO BE?? DO YOU NOT HEAR MY DEMANDS??
"In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
See what I mean? Elizabeth is on to something.
One last quote and then I am going to give my full attention to Kevin Hart. I also need to peel these contacts off. ouch
"Tis' better to live your own life imperfectly than to imitate someone else's perfectly."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
You get me, that's why I love you,
Lola
Last time we were together I mentioned that I had stopped counting my blogs. Today I decided to do the math and I calculated 78. Upon further review, ie, duh the amount is right on my home page, I noticed that the number is actually 81. Eighty-one blogs since 2009.
It occurred to me that maybe I should read through a few of the blogs from 2009 if for nothing else just to make this blog about all the things that could change in the span of two years and 81 blogs.
I decided against that.
How are you this day? I don't know what time you visit, so I don't know what good part of the day I should wish you.
Good Morning.
Good Afternoon.
Good Night.
It is high morning as I write this. I have been up since about 5am. You would think I would sleep in being off of work, but I actually had to be up. It's like that and that's the way it is. Huh!
Break for a happy pill.
BRB.
That is one thing that has changed in two years and 81 blogs. I had to seize and hold my happiness and it seemed that the only way to effectively do that was to procure some happy pills. Things don't get to me as much now. They still do, but the happies take the edge off.
I also have sleepy pills. Oh that makes me think of Kevin Hart. One sec, as I am dying to set up my Netflix for a little early morning hee hee.
Good thing I've always been this sporadic, otherwise, I'd be blaming these tangents on the happies.
I hope that I can concentrate on this blog with Kevin Hart in the background.
SAY IT WITCHA CHESSSSSSSS!!
lol
So this morning, during my travels, I was thinking about how fortunate I am. I am pretty damn fortunate. A friend recently texted me and asked how I was doing. I texted back, forlornly that I was in the middle of a pedicure, had a lunch date, play date and then dinner plans and she promptly texted me back...I am overweight, hungry, and at a job that I hate, please stop bitching.....you got it good.
She is right.
I DO have it good.
That being said, I wonder about others, how do you have it? Is your life good? Do you have friends telling you to stop your bitching? Lol.
I love my friends. For the most part, they center me, they do, they really do. Sometimes they will say things that make me suck my teeth and roll my eyes, but they are right.
You guys, I know that you are right. Just like you know that I am not up to that higher level thinking.
I know you have put up with a lot from me over the past year and probably prior to that, but I guess I was such an attention whore, I didn't realize that my life sucked the air out of the room.
Please let this blog be an open apology to you. I didn't mean it. Thank you for still pulling my chain when necessary and not necessary (freakers).
I love you.
During my travels, at the end of my reflection about how good I have it..I thought about what a great partner I am. I mean, I am not seriously involved with anyone right now, but when I take inventory of the beds I've shared over the years, I'm not too shabby.
I love hard, really hard, and that can be overwhelming. I didn't think it could be overwhelming until a really outspoken friend told me that I was. There go my friends again.
She said, ____ (cause she so special, she has a special nickname for me)______, you know what your problem is?
I didn't ask what. She proceeded.
Your problem is you love TOO hard. It is all good in the beginning and then after awhile, its just too much. Stop doing that, ____, hold back a bit. Save some for yourself. Don't get hurt so easy.
Then we had more wine.
She does not read this blog. If she needs something from me, she will text. We are very close and our main mode of communication is texting.
One second, as this summer school bound kid is working my nerve...be right back. Happy pill, please help me....
LOL Kevin Hart is cursing out his teacher! Listen if you have Netflix or Blockbuster (damn dinosaur), please, please rent Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny.
He is killing me.
I had to put the coffee on for this kid who is on his way to summer school. What a colossal waste of a summer.
Either way, I am living. Yes, you read it right. I know that I have fallen off the wagon a few times, but I am doing pretty good. Even with a little help. There is nothing wrong with help, especially when you need it as much as me.
I am wondering about the next phase of my life. I have many more blogs to pen, with or without the cats, with or without a partner.
I am my own best friend. I do love hard, but I do not fear my love. I do not shy away from the love that I give. I live for it. Not enough to tattoo the ish on me, but strong enough to feel it in everything that I do. Every single thing that I do, I do with love.
I don't have to wait for anyone to realize that as I've already realized it. Go me....
I had a conversation with another friend and I felt awfully wise because I figured something out about her. Something that she knew but was concerned about admitting out loud. Shooot....own your ish. If that is who you are, embrace it.
I surely embrace myself.
So I figured out something about this friend that others either missed or were unwilling to deal with. I am cool.
My standards have fluctuated over the past two years and 81 blogs. Things that I didn't think I could handle, I can now. On the same note stuff that seemed easy then are not easy now.
People change. Someone else I used to know was fond of saying, if you don't change what I need you to change, I change. That is not the exact way she would say it and you'd think I'd know the shit word for word the amount of times I heard it...but it was pretty much that.
I don't know if that is how I feel. I don't know how down I am with changing myself when others cease to change around me. Why not just accept them the way that they are without changing who you are?
Imagine if I changed myself every single time someone refused to conform to a vision that I had?
I would be a unicorn by now...a damn unicorn.
"Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
In other words...I think, stop wishing that circumstances are catering to you and just work with what you have...
I think it means more than that but I am pretty sure that Elizabeth didn't mean to shut down emotionally and stubbornly glare at the offending person who would not conform to your standards.
How DARE you not be the way that I WANT YOU TO BE?? DO YOU NOT HEAR MY DEMANDS??
"In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
See what I mean? Elizabeth is on to something.
One last quote and then I am going to give my full attention to Kevin Hart. I also need to peel these contacts off. ouch
"Tis' better to live your own life imperfectly than to imitate someone else's perfectly."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
You get me, that's why I love you,
Lola
Monday, July 11, 2011
#?
Dear Readers:
It has occurred to me that I don't know what number blog we are on. Remember when I'd list them by number?
What happened to that?
What happened to me?
Today in mixed company my blog was mentioned and an avid reader complained that I wrote in code. Do I do that? Yes.
Should I?
I actually shouldn't and I know this and quite possibly you may be aware as well. It is not because I don't want to be honest with you, I actually am honest.
As honest as I can be under the circumstances.
I don't really know why I am here. It is well into the next day and I should be asleep. I only got in a little while ago and I recall traveling sleepily on the train thinking that I could not wait to get home to blog.
Not sleep, but blog.
I don't even have a topic. I just just know that I need you right now.
I need you more than:
another drink
more chocolate
passion
insecurity
television
lentils
hurt
love
pain
There are more things but I can't think of them now.
I wanted to put sleep on that list, but sleep is not actually my friend. I have been taking something to help me sleep through the night, but my nights are still stalked by terrors and unspoken fears.
I don't sleep well for that reason and I tend to stay up until a point of delirium where sleep didn't' come, death would surely follow.
Check me out, Lil E. Poe in the hizouse.
My Dear Readers, today was a good day. I won't bore you with the abouts of the day, but overall good. I faced my usual suspects and handled (nearly effortlessly) my regular shit. I went through my emotions, checking them off as I did, so's not to neglect one or more.
It is my everyday duty, to check them off, one by one. I guess it is emotional inventory. I long for the days when I didn't have to make sure all of my emotions were accounted for and it tires me that this quite possibly is my life.
Speaking of my life, I looked at some beautiful wedding pictures recently. The brides were lovely and in my heart, I wished that I could partake of that loveliness. I try to be forward thinking and say things like in my next life, but in actuality, I don't believe that I will have another life. I am pretty damn positive that this is my only life and I feel resentful that I won't have a wedding. I won't have a ring, I won't have any of that. I won't write my vows, I won't look forward to hers, we won't ask folk to donate to our favorite charity in lieu of gifts.
None of that.
I feel a little cheated. Growing up I swore that I didn't want a wedding and I nearly convinced myself that I didn't' and now that I think about it. I do.
There is so much that I wished I did during my life. Things that if I didn't do yet, I might as well check them off just as efficiently that I check off my emotions.
I fear that one day I will be blogging with arthritic fingers surrounded by cats.
Yes, Crazy Lesbian Cat Lady is in my future.
I no longer believe in love. Correction, I do believe in love, I believe that it always ends and for that reason it is not reliable.
This blog started one way and now must end another. I don't know what to say, except thank you for putting up with me. I don't even feel like proofreading. I will though, pardon my missed connections.
You get me, that's why I love you.
Lola
It has occurred to me that I don't know what number blog we are on. Remember when I'd list them by number?
What happened to that?
What happened to me?
Today in mixed company my blog was mentioned and an avid reader complained that I wrote in code. Do I do that? Yes.
Should I?
I actually shouldn't and I know this and quite possibly you may be aware as well. It is not because I don't want to be honest with you, I actually am honest.
As honest as I can be under the circumstances.
I don't really know why I am here. It is well into the next day and I should be asleep. I only got in a little while ago and I recall traveling sleepily on the train thinking that I could not wait to get home to blog.
Not sleep, but blog.
I don't even have a topic. I just just know that I need you right now.
I need you more than:
another drink
more chocolate
passion
insecurity
television
lentils
hurt
love
pain
There are more things but I can't think of them now.
I wanted to put sleep on that list, but sleep is not actually my friend. I have been taking something to help me sleep through the night, but my nights are still stalked by terrors and unspoken fears.
I don't sleep well for that reason and I tend to stay up until a point of delirium where sleep didn't' come, death would surely follow.
Check me out, Lil E. Poe in the hizouse.
My Dear Readers, today was a good day. I won't bore you with the abouts of the day, but overall good. I faced my usual suspects and handled (nearly effortlessly) my regular shit. I went through my emotions, checking them off as I did, so's not to neglect one or more.
It is my everyday duty, to check them off, one by one. I guess it is emotional inventory. I long for the days when I didn't have to make sure all of my emotions were accounted for and it tires me that this quite possibly is my life.
Speaking of my life, I looked at some beautiful wedding pictures recently. The brides were lovely and in my heart, I wished that I could partake of that loveliness. I try to be forward thinking and say things like in my next life, but in actuality, I don't believe that I will have another life. I am pretty damn positive that this is my only life and I feel resentful that I won't have a wedding. I won't have a ring, I won't have any of that. I won't write my vows, I won't look forward to hers, we won't ask folk to donate to our favorite charity in lieu of gifts.
None of that.
I feel a little cheated. Growing up I swore that I didn't want a wedding and I nearly convinced myself that I didn't' and now that I think about it. I do.
There is so much that I wished I did during my life. Things that if I didn't do yet, I might as well check them off just as efficiently that I check off my emotions.
I fear that one day I will be blogging with arthritic fingers surrounded by cats.
Yes, Crazy Lesbian Cat Lady is in my future.
I no longer believe in love. Correction, I do believe in love, I believe that it always ends and for that reason it is not reliable.
This blog started one way and now must end another. I don't know what to say, except thank you for putting up with me. I don't even feel like proofreading. I will though, pardon my missed connections.
You get me, that's why I love you.
Lola
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Names...
Dear Readers,
So my weekend was peaceful. I don't know how I found peace, but I did, and I am not questioning. Today, I was traveling on the train and a name started to resonate in my head.
Again and again, the name tried to invade my thoughts along with images, images that I was not ready to confront. I didn't know what to do, so I tried to combat the name and images with a different name and image. This worked for a second, but the invading thought was so strong.
I felt anxious as I worked so hard to not deal with those thoughts...not now or later, but if I had a choice, it would have been later. Sometimes life simply does not work that way.
All of a sudden I thought of my name...and every name that has ever been mine. For someone who swore she hated nicknames I sure have many. I will spare you my government name, because despite all I am going though, I still have to keep a little something to myself. Here is a list of all my alias:
Lola
Laura (pronounced LaaOWda...like in the novellas)
Honey (my sim name)
Hoebucket Lovelobes
Stina
Peruvian Cruz
I thought of all these names, and they bought a smile to my face. You know, I never realized there were so many. What is awesome is despite the handle I carry, I am always me...ever evolving...but still the same.
Where am I going with this? Not sure. All I know is that I am still me. Different circumstances and personalities enter your life, yet you can still be yourself.
I am happy that I am still myself.
I am happy that I still smile at the same jokes, that my favorite movie is Ferris Bueller Day's Off, that I love reality tv, that my favorite book is still Catcher in The Rye, that I love cats even if I can't have one, that I can cook and people know it.
I am kind, loving, funny, sarcastic, and smart enough to make people believe that I know more than I actually do.
I do think that I am capable of loving and being loved, but my "in love" vibe is badly bruised.
I don't worry about that just yet.
No worries...an old friend told me that once or a million times and I am happy that it still makes me feel good.
Dear Readers, I am trying to convey to you that I might just be ok. Things have changed in my life and some may stay the same/or return, but I just don't know. I just don't know, but what I do know is that I must live in the present and expect the best for the future.
Even if what occurs in the future is not what I hoped for, I have to accept change and work with it.
Things can and will change but Lola, Laura (pronounced LaaOWda...like in the novellas), Honey, Hoebucket Lovelobes, Stina, and Peruvian Cruz will still be very real to me.
Ok. I am beat, but one last thing..speaking of names, Victoria and David Beckham have named their new baby girl Harper Seven. Harper Seven Beckham is a beautiful name.
You get me, that's why I love you,
Lola
So my weekend was peaceful. I don't know how I found peace, but I did, and I am not questioning. Today, I was traveling on the train and a name started to resonate in my head.
Again and again, the name tried to invade my thoughts along with images, images that I was not ready to confront. I didn't know what to do, so I tried to combat the name and images with a different name and image. This worked for a second, but the invading thought was so strong.
I felt anxious as I worked so hard to not deal with those thoughts...not now or later, but if I had a choice, it would have been later. Sometimes life simply does not work that way.
All of a sudden I thought of my name...and every name that has ever been mine. For someone who swore she hated nicknames I sure have many. I will spare you my government name, because despite all I am going though, I still have to keep a little something to myself. Here is a list of all my alias:
Lola
Laura (pronounced LaaOWda...like in the novellas)
Honey (my sim name)
Hoebucket Lovelobes
Stina
Peruvian Cruz
I thought of all these names, and they bought a smile to my face. You know, I never realized there were so many. What is awesome is despite the handle I carry, I am always me...ever evolving...but still the same.
Where am I going with this? Not sure. All I know is that I am still me. Different circumstances and personalities enter your life, yet you can still be yourself.
I am happy that I am still myself.
I am happy that I still smile at the same jokes, that my favorite movie is Ferris Bueller Day's Off, that I love reality tv, that my favorite book is still Catcher in The Rye, that I love cats even if I can't have one, that I can cook and people know it.
I am kind, loving, funny, sarcastic, and smart enough to make people believe that I know more than I actually do.
I do think that I am capable of loving and being loved, but my "in love" vibe is badly bruised.
I don't worry about that just yet.
No worries...an old friend told me that once or a million times and I am happy that it still makes me feel good.
Dear Readers, I am trying to convey to you that I might just be ok. Things have changed in my life and some may stay the same/or return, but I just don't know. I just don't know, but what I do know is that I must live in the present and expect the best for the future.
Even if what occurs in the future is not what I hoped for, I have to accept change and work with it.
Things can and will change but Lola, Laura (pronounced LaaOWda...like in the novellas), Honey, Hoebucket Lovelobes, Stina, and Peruvian Cruz will still be very real to me.
Ok. I am beat, but one last thing..speaking of names, Victoria and David Beckham have named their new baby girl Harper Seven. Harper Seven Beckham is a beautiful name.
You get me, that's why I love you,
Lola
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Day One of Me
"I was full of a hot, powerful sadness and would have loved to burst into the comfort of tears, but tried hard not to, remembering something my Guru once said -- that you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
Dear Readers:
I am writing to you after a long night. I am happy to write to you because though the night was long it is now over. It is a beautiful day and I am on my way out. I have a new summer dress (it's lovely) and new sandals to go with it. I am probably going to get my hair trimmed and done just right as well.
The night was long, but it is now over. I am so happy that the sun is out and all is well. It is funny, but when you reach or at least think you've reached that final pit of omgicantdothisrightnoworever sometimes it helps to just turn off the tv, turn on the a/c (bill be damned) and turn on some Jill Scott. I did that last night. I set the tone just right and I went to bed. I left Jill on all night. At one point I woke up to this, the chorus from Hear My Call:
God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.
Dear Readers, I immediately felt the thickness of my throat closing and I knew that tears were near. I did something that I would not have done before. Instead of giving into the feelings of despair, I repeated the lyrics...whether aloud or in sleep, I do not know....
God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.
After I repeated it, I did my own remix:
God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
I am burned raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.
Dear Readers, though a part of my undoing is love, I can not continue to pin everything on it. I have to stop praying for what I think I want and understand what the Higher Power wants for me. I have to let go of my fears and my tears and open my heart for guidance.
This is such an astonishing realization and I embrace it, though gingerly. I will need time to adjust to it. I will need to remind myself. I may need to write it on a little note. Insider, you know who you are.
The quote at the very start of this blog is from an amazing book. You'd have to be under a rock to not have heard about that book. I want to practice staying strong too. I don't really know what it means to practice that skill or rather I am not sure how to go about it. I think I need to do things that make me feel good and in control, like blog.
Again, I thank you.
I would love to stay here with you forever. I mentioned to a dear friend recently that I have to write my own story. I had to take back the pens, pencils, keyboards, homing pigeons, whatever from others. I can't just let someone haphazardly write my story. Why would I do something like that? I think that when you give in to insecurities (and other negative ish) you allow others to pen your wonderful life story.
I won't do that anymore. For a very long time (though not long enough) my story was intertwined with someone else's. It felt so very good. We even named it. Somewhere along our story things got confused and now we are at a blank page. I actually think that our story is over, as every time either of us tries to write the next page we disagree on how it should be. We only agree on the end.
You can't decide the end without completing the middle, unless of course the decision is to mutually close the book.
Sometimes people say that they are moving on to a new chapter in their life. In this case, think of it as a new book altogether. Dear Readers, I am not being harsh, I am being realistic.
I have to go and get ready for my day, it's a big day and I am happy to have it. I need more big days. One last quote from the book...warning, if profanity is not your thing, stop reading here.
"Operation Self-Esteem--Day Fucking One."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
All of these quotes and more can be found at http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/3352398
You get me, that's why I love you,
Lola
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
Dear Readers:
I am writing to you after a long night. I am happy to write to you because though the night was long it is now over. It is a beautiful day and I am on my way out. I have a new summer dress (it's lovely) and new sandals to go with it. I am probably going to get my hair trimmed and done just right as well.
The night was long, but it is now over. I am so happy that the sun is out and all is well. It is funny, but when you reach or at least think you've reached that final pit of omgicantdothisrightnoworever sometimes it helps to just turn off the tv, turn on the a/c (bill be damned) and turn on some Jill Scott. I did that last night. I set the tone just right and I went to bed. I left Jill on all night. At one point I woke up to this, the chorus from Hear My Call:
God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.
Dear Readers, I immediately felt the thickness of my throat closing and I knew that tears were near. I did something that I would not have done before. Instead of giving into the feelings of despair, I repeated the lyrics...whether aloud or in sleep, I do not know....
God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.
After I repeated it, I did my own remix:
God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
I am burned raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.
Dear Readers, though a part of my undoing is love, I can not continue to pin everything on it. I have to stop praying for what I think I want and understand what the Higher Power wants for me. I have to let go of my fears and my tears and open my heart for guidance.
This is such an astonishing realization and I embrace it, though gingerly. I will need time to adjust to it. I will need to remind myself. I may need to write it on a little note. Insider, you know who you are.
The quote at the very start of this blog is from an amazing book. You'd have to be under a rock to not have heard about that book. I want to practice staying strong too. I don't really know what it means to practice that skill or rather I am not sure how to go about it. I think I need to do things that make me feel good and in control, like blog.
Again, I thank you.
I would love to stay here with you forever. I mentioned to a dear friend recently that I have to write my own story. I had to take back the pens, pencils, keyboards, homing pigeons, whatever from others. I can't just let someone haphazardly write my story. Why would I do something like that? I think that when you give in to insecurities (and other negative ish) you allow others to pen your wonderful life story.
I won't do that anymore. For a very long time (though not long enough) my story was intertwined with someone else's. It felt so very good. We even named it. Somewhere along our story things got confused and now we are at a blank page. I actually think that our story is over, as every time either of us tries to write the next page we disagree on how it should be. We only agree on the end.
You can't decide the end without completing the middle, unless of course the decision is to mutually close the book.
Sometimes people say that they are moving on to a new chapter in their life. In this case, think of it as a new book altogether. Dear Readers, I am not being harsh, I am being realistic.
I have to go and get ready for my day, it's a big day and I am happy to have it. I need more big days. One last quote from the book...warning, if profanity is not your thing, stop reading here.
"Operation Self-Esteem--Day Fucking One."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
All of these quotes and more can be found at http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/3352398
You get me, that's why I love you,
Lola
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Last Jill Scott of the Day....:)
Too much on my mind
Too much on my mind
Too much on my mind
Too much on my...
La la la la la la la la la
Here I am thinking again
All lost in my brain
But I know I should get up and get out of it
I gotta keep moving
But here I am lost all up inside my brain
Can't stop thinking, reminiscing.
Can't stop. Can't let go.
But when I wake up,
And one day I will do it,
I have let you go
And everything I went through was beautiful
I have let you go
And everything I went through was beautiful
Maybe I, right now, can't see the forest for the trees
So lost behind hurt
But I'm trying everyday exponentially
To move forward
Do you know how it feels to be lost?
But when I wake up
Everything I went through would be beautiful
When I wake up
And I will wake up
It's gonna be beautiful
Down to my left side (Last cry)
Feeling like I could fly
(Feeling like I could fly)
All day, up high.
Sweeter than the sugar on a cinnamon treat
Or an ice cream
That was me
But I'm feeling like I'm in a nightmare
Fear of loving somebody, everywhere
Oh Lord, I need this confirmation, this affirmation
That when I wake up
When I wake up
Everything I went through will be beautiful
When I wake up
Everything I went through will be beautiful
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake up...
Everything I went through will be beautiful
Too much on my mind
Too much on my mind
Too much on my...
La la la la la la la la la
Here I am thinking again
All lost in my brain
But I know I should get up and get out of it
I gotta keep moving
But here I am lost all up inside my brain
Can't stop thinking, reminiscing.
Can't stop. Can't let go.
But when I wake up,
And one day I will do it,
I have let you go
And everything I went through was beautiful
I have let you go
And everything I went through was beautiful
Maybe I, right now, can't see the forest for the trees
So lost behind hurt
But I'm trying everyday exponentially
To move forward
Do you know how it feels to be lost?
But when I wake up
Everything I went through would be beautiful
When I wake up
And I will wake up
It's gonna be beautiful
Down to my left side (Last cry)
Feeling like I could fly
(Feeling like I could fly)
All day, up high.
Sweeter than the sugar on a cinnamon treat
Or an ice cream
That was me
But I'm feeling like I'm in a nightmare
Fear of loving somebody, everywhere
Oh Lord, I need this confirmation, this affirmation
That when I wake up
When I wake up
Everything I went through will be beautiful
When I wake up
Everything I went through will be beautiful
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake up...
Everything I went through will be beautiful
Jill Scott SAID that I'm Still Here
Dear Readers:
Here are the lyrics to a Jill Scott song that is in my head. Do you feel the power in her words?
She cleanses me. I will go to extremes to be blessed by her presence. She is my rock. All others, can kick rocks.
I am a boisterous river
I am a mountains story
I am a quiet feeling
I am a fragrant flower
I am a moonlit evening
I am a peaceful night
I am a writers thinking
I am a wealth unfathomed
And if you don't recognize my presence, I am here
And if you don't recognize me, I am here
I am a source of power
I am excited journey
I am the rock of patience
I am a whisper singing
I am unbridled freedom
I am the thought from thinking
I am a love unshattered
I am the great orgasm
And if you don't recognize my presence, I am here
And if you don't recognize my presence, I am here
And even if you don't recognize me, I'm still here
And even if you don't recognize me
And even if you don't recognize me, I'm still here
And even if you don't recognize me, I am, oh, I'm still here
Even if you don't recognize me, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/jill_scott/still_here_hidden_track.html ]
I am still here.
You get me, that's why I love you.
Lola (still here)
Here are the lyrics to a Jill Scott song that is in my head. Do you feel the power in her words?
She cleanses me. I will go to extremes to be blessed by her presence. She is my rock. All others, can kick rocks.
I am a boisterous river
I am a mountains story
I am a quiet feeling
I am a fragrant flower
I am a moonlit evening
I am a peaceful night
I am a writers thinking
I am a wealth unfathomed
And if you don't recognize my presence, I am here
And if you don't recognize me, I am here
I am a source of power
I am excited journey
I am the rock of patience
I am a whisper singing
I am unbridled freedom
I am the thought from thinking
I am a love unshattered
I am the great orgasm
And if you don't recognize my presence, I am here
And if you don't recognize my presence, I am here
And even if you don't recognize me, I'm still here
And even if you don't recognize me
And even if you don't recognize me, I'm still here
And even if you don't recognize me, I am, oh, I'm still here
Even if you don't recognize me, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/jill_scott/still_here_hidden_track.html ]
I am still here.
You get me, that's why I love you.
Lola (still here)
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