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Dear Readers:

It has occurred to me that I don't know what number blog we are on. Remember when I'd list them by number?

What happened to that?
What happened to me?

Today in mixed company my blog was mentioned and an avid reader complained that I wrote in code. Do I do that? Yes.

Should I?

I actually shouldn't and I know this and quite possibly you may be aware as well. It is not because I don't want to be honest with you, I actually am honest.

As honest as I can be under the circumstances.

I don't really know why I am here. It is well into the next day and I should be asleep. I only got in a little while ago and I recall traveling sleepily on the train thinking that I could not wait to get home to blog.

Not sleep, but blog.

I don't even have a topic. I just just know that I need you right now.

I need you more than:
another drink
more chocolate
passion
insecurity
television
lentils
hurt
love
pain

There are more things but I can't think of them now.

I wanted to put sleep on that list, but sleep is not actually my friend. I have been taking something to help me sleep through the night, but my nights are still stalked by terrors and unspoken fears.

I don't sleep well for that reason and I tend to stay up until a point of delirium where sleep didn't' come, death would surely follow.

Check me out, Lil E. Poe in the hizouse.

My Dear Readers, today was a good day. I won't bore you with the abouts of the day, but overall good. I faced my usual suspects and handled (nearly effortlessly) my regular shit. I went through my emotions, checking them off as I did, so's not to neglect one or more.

It is my everyday duty, to check them off, one by one. I guess it is emotional inventory. I long for the days when I didn't have to make sure all of my emotions were accounted for and it tires me that this quite possibly is my life.

Speaking of my life, I looked at some beautiful wedding pictures recently. The brides were lovely and in my heart, I wished that I could partake of that loveliness. I try to be forward thinking and say things like in my next life, but in actuality, I don't believe that I will have another life. I am pretty damn positive that this is my only life and I feel resentful that I won't have a wedding. I won't have a ring, I won't have any of that. I won't write my vows, I won't look forward to hers, we won't ask folk to donate to our favorite charity in lieu of gifts.

None of that.

I feel a little cheated. Growing up I swore that I didn't want a wedding and I nearly convinced myself that I didn't' and now that I think about it. I do.

There is so much that I wished I did during my life. Things that if I didn't do yet, I might as well check them off just as efficiently that I check off my emotions.

I fear that one day I will be blogging with arthritic fingers surrounded by cats.

Yes, Crazy Lesbian Cat Lady is in my future.

I no longer believe in love. Correction, I do believe in love, I believe that it always ends and for that reason it is not reliable.

This blog started one way and now must end another. I don't know what to say, except thank you for putting up with me. I don't even feel like proofreading. I will though, pardon my missed connections.

You get me, that's why I love you.

Lola