Day One of Me

"I was full of a hot, powerful sadness and would have loved to burst into the comfort of tears, but tried hard not to, remembering something my Guru once said -- that you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

Dear Readers:

I am writing to you after a long night. I am happy to write to you because though the night was long it is now over. It is a beautiful day and I am on my way out. I have a new summer dress (it's lovely) and new sandals to go with it. I am probably going to get my hair trimmed and done just right as well.

The night was long, but it is now over. I am so happy that the sun is out and all is well. It is funny, but when you reach or at least think you've reached that final pit of omgicantdothisrightnoworever sometimes it helps to just turn off the tv, turn on the a/c (bill be damned) and turn on some Jill Scott. I did that last night. I set the tone just right and I went to bed. I left Jill on all night. At one point I woke up to this, the chorus from Hear My Call:

God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.

Dear Readers, I immediately felt the thickness of my throat closing and I knew that tears were near. I did something that I would not have done before. Instead of giving into the feelings of despair, I repeated the lyrics...whether aloud or in sleep, I do not know....

God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.

After I repeated it, I did my own remix:

God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
I am burned raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.

Dear Readers, though a part of my undoing is love, I can not continue to pin everything on it. I have to stop praying for what I think I want and understand what the Higher Power wants for me. I have to let go of my fears and my tears and open my heart for guidance.

This is such an astonishing realization and I embrace it, though gingerly. I will need time to adjust to it. I will need to remind myself. I may need to write it on a little note. Insider, you know who you are.

The quote at the very start of this blog is from an amazing book. You'd have to be under a rock to not have heard about that book. I want to practice staying strong too. I don't really know what it means to practice that skill or rather I am not sure how to go about it. I think I need to do things that make me feel good and in control, like blog.

Again, I thank you.

I would love to stay here with you forever. I mentioned to a dear friend recently that I have to write my own story. I had to take back the pens, pencils, keyboards, homing pigeons, whatever from others. I can't just let someone haphazardly write my story. Why would I do something like that? I think that when you give in to insecurities (and other negative ish) you allow others to pen your wonderful life story.

I won't do that anymore. For a very long time (though not long enough) my story was intertwined with someone else's. It felt so very good. We even named it. Somewhere along our story things got confused and now we are at a blank page. I actually think that our story is over, as every time either of us tries to write the next page we disagree on how it should be. We only agree on the end.

You can't decide the end without completing the middle, unless of course the decision is to mutually close the book.

Sometimes people say that they are moving on to a new chapter in their life. In this case, think of it as a new book altogether. Dear Readers, I am not being harsh, I am being realistic.

I have to go and get ready for my day, it's a big day and I am happy to have it. I need more big days. One last quote from the book...warning, if profanity is not your thing, stop reading here.

"Operation Self-Esteem--Day Fucking One."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

All of these quotes and more can be found at http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/3352398

You get me, that's why I love you,

Lola