Dear Readers,
Last time we were together I mentioned that I had stopped counting my blogs. Today I decided to do the math and I calculated 78. Upon further review, ie, duh the amount is right on my home page, I noticed that the number is actually 81. Eighty-one blogs since 2009.
It occurred to me that maybe I should read through a few of the blogs from 2009 if for nothing else just to make this blog about all the things that could change in the span of two years and 81 blogs.
I decided against that.
How are you this day? I don't know what time you visit, so I don't know what good part of the day I should wish you.
Good Morning.
Good Afternoon.
Good Night.
It is high morning as I write this. I have been up since about 5am. You would think I would sleep in being off of work, but I actually had to be up. It's like that and that's the way it is. Huh!
Break for a happy pill.
BRB.
That is one thing that has changed in two years and 81 blogs. I had to seize and hold my happiness and it seemed that the only way to effectively do that was to procure some happy pills. Things don't get to me as much now. They still do, but the happies take the edge off.
I also have sleepy pills. Oh that makes me think of Kevin Hart. One sec, as I am dying to set up my Netflix for a little early morning hee hee.
Good thing I've always been this sporadic, otherwise, I'd be blaming these tangents on the happies.
I hope that I can concentrate on this blog with Kevin Hart in the background.
SAY IT WITCHA CHESSSSSSSS!!
lol
So this morning, during my travels, I was thinking about how fortunate I am. I am pretty damn fortunate. A friend recently texted me and asked how I was doing. I texted back, forlornly that I was in the middle of a pedicure, had a lunch date, play date and then dinner plans and she promptly texted me back...I am overweight, hungry, and at a job that I hate, please stop bitching.....you got it good.
She is right.
I DO have it good.
That being said, I wonder about others, how do you have it? Is your life good? Do you have friends telling you to stop your bitching? Lol.
I love my friends. For the most part, they center me, they do, they really do. Sometimes they will say things that make me suck my teeth and roll my eyes, but they are right.
You guys, I know that you are right. Just like you know that I am not up to that higher level thinking.
I know you have put up with a lot from me over the past year and probably prior to that, but I guess I was such an attention whore, I didn't realize that my life sucked the air out of the room.
Please let this blog be an open apology to you. I didn't mean it. Thank you for still pulling my chain when necessary and not necessary (freakers).
I love you.
During my travels, at the end of my reflection about how good I have it..I thought about what a great partner I am. I mean, I am not seriously involved with anyone right now, but when I take inventory of the beds I've shared over the years, I'm not too shabby.
I love hard, really hard, and that can be overwhelming. I didn't think it could be overwhelming until a really outspoken friend told me that I was. There go my friends again.
She said, ____ (cause she so special, she has a special nickname for me)______, you know what your problem is?
I didn't ask what. She proceeded.
Your problem is you love TOO hard. It is all good in the beginning and then after awhile, its just too much. Stop doing that, ____, hold back a bit. Save some for yourself. Don't get hurt so easy.
Then we had more wine.
She does not read this blog. If she needs something from me, she will text. We are very close and our main mode of communication is texting.
One second, as this summer school bound kid is working my nerve...be right back. Happy pill, please help me....
LOL Kevin Hart is cursing out his teacher! Listen if you have Netflix or Blockbuster (damn dinosaur), please, please rent Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny.
He is killing me.
I had to put the coffee on for this kid who is on his way to summer school. What a colossal waste of a summer.
Either way, I am living. Yes, you read it right. I know that I have fallen off the wagon a few times, but I am doing pretty good. Even with a little help. There is nothing wrong with help, especially when you need it as much as me.
I am wondering about the next phase of my life. I have many more blogs to pen, with or without the cats, with or without a partner.
I am my own best friend. I do love hard, but I do not fear my love. I do not shy away from the love that I give. I live for it. Not enough to tattoo the ish on me, but strong enough to feel it in everything that I do. Every single thing that I do, I do with love.
I don't have to wait for anyone to realize that as I've already realized it. Go me....
I had a conversation with another friend and I felt awfully wise because I figured something out about her. Something that she knew but was concerned about admitting out loud. Shooot....own your ish. If that is who you are, embrace it.
I surely embrace myself.
So I figured out something about this friend that others either missed or were unwilling to deal with. I am cool.
My standards have fluctuated over the past two years and 81 blogs. Things that I didn't think I could handle, I can now. On the same note stuff that seemed easy then are not easy now.
People change. Someone else I used to know was fond of saying, if you don't change what I need you to change, I change. That is not the exact way she would say it and you'd think I'd know the shit word for word the amount of times I heard it...but it was pretty much that.
I don't know if that is how I feel. I don't know how down I am with changing myself when others cease to change around me. Why not just accept them the way that they are without changing who you are?
Imagine if I changed myself every single time someone refused to conform to a vision that I had?
I would be a unicorn by now...a damn unicorn.
"Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
In other words...I think, stop wishing that circumstances are catering to you and just work with what you have...
I think it means more than that but I am pretty sure that Elizabeth didn't mean to shut down emotionally and stubbornly glare at the offending person who would not conform to your standards.
How DARE you not be the way that I WANT YOU TO BE?? DO YOU NOT HEAR MY DEMANDS??
"In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
See what I mean? Elizabeth is on to something.
One last quote and then I am going to give my full attention to Kevin Hart. I also need to peel these contacts off. ouch
"Tis' better to live your own life imperfectly than to imitate someone else's perfectly."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
You get me, that's why I love you,
Lola
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