Saturday, September 4, 2010

I've lost count...would someone be so kind...

Dear Readers:

Aren't you patient? I told you that I took on something new and I did. I switched careers and while I don't want to go into it right now, I've been hired and work starts next week.

I am very excited, though more so nervous. Today has been an emotional day, as I've been choking back tears all day. There is so much going on. Never have I felt so lonely. Well, maybe I have-its just been so long.

Loneliness is a funny thing, especially when you forget the empty feeling. The nutty thing is that I want to be alone, just not with myself. That is crazy talk. I need this, I need to just bang away at the keys and the hell with proofreading, spell check and the like.

This turmoil has little to do with my new career. It is more about my life and choices. I mean, this is the only life that I have. I should not be second guessing, I should not wake up full of tears. I dreamt of my Grandma last night. She has this uncanny way of coming to me when I am especially upset. I love her so much. As much as we argued, she is the ONLY person who has understood me. Ever. I tell you all the time that you get me, but what you get is what I portray. There are pieces of me that will forever be just for me. Sometimes I just think too much. I mean, staying under the radar can get awfully comfy..but come up for air once or twice......

You will be shocked at what has been going on, outside of your safe zone. Oh Dear Readers, what to do? Your Lola is in pain. I feel stained and ruined. I don't want this. I just want what I had. I don't know if I can get it back. Quite possibly what I had is coming to an end. Maybe it ended already and I was just too stupid to notice. That is the trouble with seeing the good in everything, sometimes you miss the jagged edge.

I'm so lonely.

I can't even cry right because the WondaKids are milling about. I try not to cry in front of them. Its tough, because I end up living lies everywhere. I may be honest with you, but what does that solve?

Perhaps there is no solution for this problem. I just want to go off by myself. I need to let all this darkness out. This dark, inky, sadness that is weighing me down.

As if I am not heavy enough in real time, I am emotionally weighed down.

This is terrible. I have not spoken to you in over a month and this is what I come back with. If I recall, my last blog was not too hopeful either.

I need someone to hear me. Even if that someone needs to curse me out. I am not looking for sympathy, I'm looking for an ear. In my dreams, my Grandma never speaks to me, but we communicate. That is one of the things that I miss the most, right after her hugs...her voice. It KILLS me that I cannot hear her voice anymore. I don't remember it.

I try.
I swear I do.

That is the worse feeling. So now here are the tears. This is certainly not what you signed up for.

I am so, so, so, sorry.

This is not what I want this blog to be. Please respect that I am a person just like you. I'm feeling a certain way. Though I don't know that anyone will be reading, it feels good (I guess) to get this out.

This is just scratching the surface. Should I dig deeper, I fear that I will never stop crying.

You get me, that's why I love you,