Sunday, July 31, 2011

About a Girl, 88th Blog

Dear Readers:

I just blogged an entire story and then deleted it. I don't even think it hits the point, the point that I am trying to avoid. I hardly know what to say anymore. I waited for this moment my whole life to simply hear about it in passing, poor Dear Readers, you probably don't even get me right now. I am sorry, I still love you. I am so confused. I wish you could help. I no longer know what to think. To have something so abruptly yanked from your life and then it just as abruptly return...what do you do? Remember the movie, Pet Cemetery, based on the King novel? These people missed their deceased pets so much, but when they came back all angry zombie catesque then didn't know what to do.

That is a poor comparison, but I am so confused right now. What do I do? Please send help. Well actually, since I was not available for such a unrequested blessing, it, like the love I thought was there is being retracted. Just as easy as a receipt exchange. Money back, all is fair in love and war, move on.

Now I am officially not making any sense, but none of this has. This entire year has been nothing but shit, shit, shit. I lost so much, it started as just the one that I love and then everything compounded. Now my heart is in deficit. I can't trust myself to make the right decisions anymore, because everything that I thought was right, was apparently wrong.

So now, out of the blue, over night literally, everything can change but not really. Not really, because I was not at the right place at the right time.

What was to be one of the defining points of our lifetime is now nothing. Dear Readers, I know what type of life I have to expect. Right now I am snapping at my WondaGirl and she does not even deserve it. I heard earlier via God's Plan for Real Conversation (text) that I am always angry. I think my emotions look like anger, but they are more out of confusion. I am so effing confused. OMG I can't even cry anymore. I don't know what to do, what to feel, what to think. My heart and mind are at war. If I could just wrap myself up in bed and stay there I would.

Again, not angry...and I promised not to hurt again and I won't. I refuse to hurt. This blog has nothing to do with the book I am reading, as I am sure everything in that book is void at this moment. My shadow self is going to have the rest of me, and I will be wrapped in projectile behavior and sweet denial of what is really in front of me. Again, confusion reeks through out this blog.

A promise, or a sham to get back where I ought to be? Do all parties involved know about this? Am I second and if so, how long have I been second. This has been going on long enough and at this point, my brain is sending ATTACK impulses to my heart.

Now, because I am good and confused, in love and at lose, living in cusp of WHAT THE FUCK, I hear that everything that was being transpired behind my back has been aborted.

Just. Like. This.

God, why can't I just break into a run until I run out of steam and belief...belief that is going to be the death of me, belief that takes away my passion, belief that squanders myself, my very personality at risk, belief that hinders my only voice, my blog and for what...what was the belief again?? What was I fighting for again?? I need a nap, a drink, a nap, a drink, a something. I don't get me anymore so there goes everything I have left.

I am stripped of sense, and sensible behavior, of yearnings, of desires, of the slight knowledge that says yearnings and desires are the same words.

My phone chimes but I ignore it. After all, I have learned more from my phone in the past year than I have from real live people. I am tired, I am scared, I am sad, I am hurt and I HATE THAT I CAN BE HERE AT THIS TIME.

I don't know anything anymore. What a rant this blog is and what a pro you are Dear Reader to stick around. I know what it feels like to have your time and attention put through the spin cycle. I know what it is like to be left with questions, questions unanswered, conversations incomplete, thoughts unprocessed.

I guess this is where I end a thought that never ended, a blog that never concludes, a heart that will never heal, a mind that will never cease to try to answer why.

You get me, that's why I love you,


Thursday, July 28, 2011

Barely a Blog

So this is barely a blog because emotionally I am feeling setback. I know that I need to reach out,
And though I am surrounded by those who love me I feel as if I may be reaching out in the dark, worst
Yet the unknown. I mean at least in the dark, I can anticipate. At this point, Dear Readers, I feel teetered on the thin slip between
Mind and heart. This is so hard, I wish this on no one-to have known emotion so sweet and then for it to go
Bad-this is terrible. Tears are no longer sufficient, happies are a joke and not the funny kind.

This is from my iPod, as I am desperate to reach our to my one trust, you, Dear Readers.
I fear it will get only harder.

Worse than the pain of broken love is to watch another suffer as you do. God, hear my call for clarity and strength. No two people should hurt like this. Please.

You get me, that's why I love you,


Monday, July 25, 2011

I'm Still Here. I get that and understand why......

Dear Readers,

How are you? I have been missing since I went back to work. I am sorry. I have thought about you frequently. I tried to blog yesterday, but my internet was acting up. It is probably better that I didn't. I was in a so-so place yesterday.

Let's see...the last time we spoke I told you that I picked up a self help book. It has been helping me to help myself. LOL

Here is a disclaimer: I am blogging at a friend's home (she is a Dear Reader just like you) and I may be a little distracted. I can't not be distracting because she is a riot and we are having an adult conversation with adult stuff. HA!

Let my explain the book that I am reading as well as I can....the book talks about everyone having a dual self (duality) of their regular selves and their shadow self. The shadow is the part of you that prevents you from doing what you were really meant to do in life, ie, be fabulous. The shadow is the place where you hold onto negative feelings...those feelings are the ones that put you down. OK,you know me and examples. The following conversation is the what a conversation between myself and my shadow (if it could talk and I think mine does, as it is an overachiever just like me):

Lola: Wow I think I am going to write that book everyone keeps telling to write.

Shadow: You don't have time.

Lola: Hmm I have so much to do, where would I find the time?

Shadow: Yo, don't you have two kids, you pathetic single mother?

Lola: Sigh, I should do something with the kids, but I am short on cash...I am a failure.

Shadow: Now you are talking, Loser. While you are home with your kids, why don't you work out, Fat Ass?

Lola: Gosh, I feel so paunchy today....

See how I forgot all about writing my book??

So here is the thing, according to the book, the only way to get rid of the shadow's power is to embrace the feelings head on.

Lola: I am feeling sad. I think I will go buy a bottle of tequila. (WRONG)


Lola: I am feeling sad. I get that and I know why. It's OK to feel sad (CORRECT)

If you can embrace your feelings, you can then let them go and move on with yourself.


I don't want to just straight rip everything out of this book, because you should read it. I think everyone should. At the end of this blog (which will be soon, my friend is antsy) I will give you the name of the book.

Another thing...back to duality. For every bad feeling that you have, there is a good one that can combat it, but only after you recognize the bad and embrace it.

Here are the cousins:


There are still other cousins but those are the ones we all know. They are related this way: if you have never felt sadness, you will never recognize happiness and REVERSE, REVERSE, REVERSE!! Get it? That is why you need all the cousins to complete your family (The Emotional Wellbeings).

See life encourages us to try to squash the bad feelings, but even if we squash them, we still hold onto them.

This is the last bit of example from the book today....

I have had two relationships over the past ten years. My partner and I broke up after seven years, and then, the partner that I had broke up after three years. The pain from the first relationship I packed in my emotional backpack of memories....the present break has been packed on top of the past one. Got it? when you pack a bag, why do you pack? I guess because the things you pack, you need for later. Why the hell would I need the pain from not one but two relationships? Am I going to forget the pain, so I feel the need to carry it? Am I holding onto the pain in case I need it? For what? All that pain is going to do is interfere with my future.

Imagine I meet someone that is really fabulous? I want to feel the greatness of the fabulousness..but first I have to see what you have in common with all this pain that I am carrying. Hmmm yeah, you know what? Now that I have seen what you have in common, I am scared to proceed or (WORST YET)...ah yes, this is the pain that I am accustomed to...let's get involved so that one day, you too, can join the pain in my backpack.

Here it is, Dear Readers. You will never forget the pain of a break up, but there is no reason for you to relive the pain each and every time. If you just say the following or something similar:

I am in pain. I get and I understand why. It is OK to be in pain.

See when you do that, you allow yourself to experience the pain, and then what happens? You are more open to the cousin (the positive feeling).


Readers, I am going to close now, because I have other things to do, and right this second, I must let my Dear Reader (right here now) to read this blog.

Last thought. I am a little sad. I get that and I understand why. It is OK to be sad. You know what I am more happy than sad. I get that and I understand why. It is OK to be more happy than sad.


The book that I am reading is The Shadow Effect, Illuminating The Hidden Power of Your True Self. It is by Chopra, Ford and Williamson. Shout out to Barnes and Noble, $14.99!

You get me, that's why I love you,


Saturday, July 16, 2011

Safe to Read

Dear Readers:

It was mentioned to me yesterday by a particularly beautiful Dear Reader that my blogs were cause of concern. She seemed to be a little worried about me. Well, you are correct.



Actually this blog just might be about happiness. I don't know why but lately I don't feel so dark. I'd like to pin it on my happy pills, but I really just started. I guess I am just doing a little better.

I have been speaking to some wise people, Dear Readers and Otherwise, and they are helping me. I don't even know if they know it. Whether you do or don't, thank you.

I am still steadfast against any sort of love. Ewww. Yeah, I am so over it. I heard somewhere that the more you deny something, the more it is your thing.

ie Homophobia
and Gassy Farters

Maybe I am not over it, I just think that life will be easier without it. Set no expectations for others and spare yourself the aggravation.

I am having a great weekend, with good food, good friends and a sexy new pair of sandals. These sandals are giving me a foot fetish. Remember the boots that did that? I swear the only reason I could look forward to cooler weather is to wear my boots.

Today my day started with laughter and I have the same hopes for my day end. Of course there is a little crack in the meantime, while waiting for this boy who lives in my apartment to get the damn trash out. I just don't understand why it is such a struggle to take out a damn bag of trash. I guess it is on me to beat him? Too much energy. Maybe I will take a pic and make it his new FB profile pic. Yeaaaaah.

The other person who lives in my home, the accompanying me to a dinner party. I almost don't feel like going. In fact, I am only going so that the girl can eat dinner.

She will have to eat outside, because for as long as this apartment looks like this, they can live on free summer school meals. I was asked today why I cared about the garbage, since I am out all the time.

I had no answer for that. Why do I care? If they want to live like squatters, why should I care? I am going to fix them. They love my cooking...what they don't know is that this week I will only cook the stuff that I like: grains and veggies. Eventually they will break down.

You can't go to jail for child abuse if you cut off junk/fast food, right? When I look at the obesity rates in this country, I almost think its the right thing to have fat kids.

I should go get ready. But first let me tell you about my happiness:

I am happy because despite everything else, I have a great life. I go and I come as I please and I am surrounded by people who love me. I have fabulous friends and I am not lacking in entertainment. I am doing ok. I picked up a new self help book and I looking forward to helping myself.

I need to comb my hair. I almost feel like deleting this blog as I don't think I've said much of anything. awesome WondaBaby got his very first haircut. If nothing else, I've said that.

I love him.

You get me, that's why I love you,


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

82nd Blog "I think I deserve something beautiful."

Dear Readers,

Last time we were together I mentioned that I had stopped counting my blogs. Today I decided to do the math and I calculated 78. Upon further review, ie, duh the amount is right on my home page, I noticed that the number is actually 81. Eighty-one blogs since 2009.

It occurred to me that maybe I should read through a few of the blogs from 2009 if for nothing else just to make this blog about all the things that could change in the span of two years and 81 blogs.

I decided against that.

How are you this day? I don't know what time you visit, so I don't know what good part of the day I should wish you.

Good Morning.
Good Afternoon.
Good Night.

It is high morning as I write this. I have been up since about 5am. You would think I would sleep in being off of work, but I actually had to be up. It's like that and that's the way it is. Huh!

Break for a happy pill.

That is one thing that has changed in two years and 81 blogs. I had to seize and hold my happiness and it seemed that the only way to effectively do that was to procure some happy pills. Things don't get to me as much now. They still do, but the happies take the edge off.

I also have sleepy pills. Oh that makes me think of Kevin Hart. One sec, as I am dying to set up my Netflix for a little early morning hee hee.

Good thing I've always been this sporadic, otherwise, I'd be blaming these tangents on the happies.

I hope that I can concentrate on this blog with Kevin Hart in the background.



So this morning, during my travels, I was thinking about how fortunate I am. I am pretty damn fortunate. A friend recently texted me and asked how I was doing. I texted back, forlornly that I was in the middle of a pedicure, had a lunch date, play date and then dinner plans and she promptly texted me back...I am overweight, hungry, and at a job that I hate, please stop got it good.

She is right.

I DO have it good.

That being said, I wonder about others, how do you have it? Is your life good? Do you have friends telling you to stop your bitching? Lol.

I love my friends. For the most part, they center me, they do, they really do. Sometimes they will say things that make me suck my teeth and roll my eyes, but they are right.

You guys, I know that you are right. Just like you know that I am not up to that higher level thinking.

I know you have put up with a lot from me over the past year and probably prior to that, but I guess I was such an attention whore, I didn't realize that my life sucked the air out of the room.

Please let this blog be an open apology to you. I didn't mean it. Thank you for still pulling my chain when necessary and not necessary (freakers).

I love you.

During my travels, at the end of my reflection about how good I have it..I thought about what a great partner I am. I mean, I am not seriously involved with anyone right now, but when I take inventory of the beds I've shared over the years, I'm not too shabby.

I love hard, really hard, and that can be overwhelming. I didn't think it could be overwhelming until a really outspoken friend told me that I was. There go my friends again.

She said, ____ (cause she so special, she has a special nickname for me)______, you know what your problem is?

I didn't ask what. She proceeded.

Your problem is you love TOO hard. It is all good in the beginning and then after awhile, its just too much. Stop doing that, ____, hold back a bit. Save some for yourself. Don't get hurt so easy.

Then we had more wine.

She does not read this blog. If she needs something from me, she will text. We are very close and our main mode of communication is texting.

One second, as this summer school bound kid is working my right back. Happy pill, please help me....

LOL Kevin Hart is cursing out his teacher! Listen if you have Netflix or Blockbuster (damn dinosaur), please, please rent Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny.

He is killing me.

I had to put the coffee on for this kid who is on his way to summer school. What a colossal waste of a summer.

Either way, I am living. Yes, you read it right. I know that I have fallen off the wagon a few times, but I am doing pretty good. Even with a little help. There is nothing wrong with help, especially when you need it as much as me.

I am wondering about the next phase of my life. I have many more blogs to pen, with or without the cats, with or without a partner.

I am my own best friend. I do love hard, but I do not fear my love. I do not shy away from the love that I give. I live for it. Not enough to tattoo the ish on me, but strong enough to feel it in everything that I do. Every single thing that I do, I do with love.

I don't have to wait for anyone to realize that as I've already realized it. Go me....

I had a conversation with another friend and I felt awfully wise because I figured something out about her. Something that she knew but was concerned about admitting out loud. Shooot....own your ish. If that is who you are, embrace it.

I surely embrace myself.

So I figured out something about this friend that others either missed or were unwilling to deal with. I am cool.

My standards have fluctuated over the past two years and 81 blogs. Things that I didn't think I could handle, I can now. On the same note stuff that seemed easy then are not easy now.

People change. Someone else I used to know was fond of saying, if you don't change what I need you to change, I change. That is not the exact way she would say it and you'd think I'd know the shit word for word the amount of times I heard it...but it was pretty much that.

I don't know if that is how I feel. I don't know how down I am with changing myself when others cease to change around me. Why not just accept them the way that they are without changing who you are?

Imagine if I changed myself every single time someone refused to conform to a vision that I had?

I would be a unicorn by now...a damn unicorn.

"Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

In other words...I think, stop wishing that circumstances are catering to you and just work with what you have...

I think it means more than that but I am pretty sure that Elizabeth didn't mean to shut down emotionally and stubbornly glare at the offending person who would not conform to your standards.

How DARE you not be the way that I WANT YOU TO BE?? DO YOU NOT HEAR MY DEMANDS??

"In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

See what I mean? Elizabeth is on to something.

One last quote and then I am going to give my full attention to Kevin Hart. I also need to peel these contacts off. ouch

"Tis' better to live your own life imperfectly than to imitate someone else's perfectly."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

You get me, that's why I love you,


Monday, July 11, 2011


Dear Readers:

It has occurred to me that I don't know what number blog we are on. Remember when I'd list them by number?

What happened to that?
What happened to me?

Today in mixed company my blog was mentioned and an avid reader complained that I wrote in code. Do I do that? Yes.

Should I?

I actually shouldn't and I know this and quite possibly you may be aware as well. It is not because I don't want to be honest with you, I actually am honest.

As honest as I can be under the circumstances.

I don't really know why I am here. It is well into the next day and I should be asleep. I only got in a little while ago and I recall traveling sleepily on the train thinking that I could not wait to get home to blog.

Not sleep, but blog.

I don't even have a topic. I just just know that I need you right now.

I need you more than:
another drink
more chocolate

There are more things but I can't think of them now.

I wanted to put sleep on that list, but sleep is not actually my friend. I have been taking something to help me sleep through the night, but my nights are still stalked by terrors and unspoken fears.

I don't sleep well for that reason and I tend to stay up until a point of delirium where sleep didn't' come, death would surely follow.

Check me out, Lil E. Poe in the hizouse.

My Dear Readers, today was a good day. I won't bore you with the abouts of the day, but overall good. I faced my usual suspects and handled (nearly effortlessly) my regular shit. I went through my emotions, checking them off as I did, so's not to neglect one or more.

It is my everyday duty, to check them off, one by one. I guess it is emotional inventory. I long for the days when I didn't have to make sure all of my emotions were accounted for and it tires me that this quite possibly is my life.

Speaking of my life, I looked at some beautiful wedding pictures recently. The brides were lovely and in my heart, I wished that I could partake of that loveliness. I try to be forward thinking and say things like in my next life, but in actuality, I don't believe that I will have another life. I am pretty damn positive that this is my only life and I feel resentful that I won't have a wedding. I won't have a ring, I won't have any of that. I won't write my vows, I won't look forward to hers, we won't ask folk to donate to our favorite charity in lieu of gifts.

None of that.

I feel a little cheated. Growing up I swore that I didn't want a wedding and I nearly convinced myself that I didn't' and now that I think about it. I do.

There is so much that I wished I did during my life. Things that if I didn't do yet, I might as well check them off just as efficiently that I check off my emotions.

I fear that one day I will be blogging with arthritic fingers surrounded by cats.

Yes, Crazy Lesbian Cat Lady is in my future.

I no longer believe in love. Correction, I do believe in love, I believe that it always ends and for that reason it is not reliable.

This blog started one way and now must end another. I don't know what to say, except thank you for putting up with me. I don't even feel like proofreading. I will though, pardon my missed connections.

You get me, that's why I love you.


Sunday, July 10, 2011


Dear Readers,

So my weekend was peaceful. I don't know how I found peace, but I did, and I am not questioning. Today, I was traveling on the train and a name started to resonate in my head.

Again and again, the name tried to invade my thoughts along with images, images that I was not ready to confront. I didn't know what to do, so I tried to combat the name and images with a different name and image. This worked for a second, but the invading thought was so strong.

I felt anxious as I worked so hard to not deal with those thoughts...not now or later, but if I had a choice, it would have been later. Sometimes life simply does not work that way.

All of a sudden I thought of my name...and every name that has ever been mine. For someone who swore she hated nicknames I sure have many. I will spare you my government name, because despite all I am going though, I still have to keep a little something to myself. Here is a list of all my alias:

Laura (pronounced in the novellas)
Honey (my sim name)
Hoebucket Lovelobes
Peruvian Cruz

I thought of all these names, and they bought a smile to my face. You know, I never realized there were so many. What is awesome is despite the handle I carry, I am always me...ever evolving...but still the same.

Where am I going with this? Not sure. All I know is that I am still me. Different circumstances and personalities enter your life, yet you can still be yourself.

I am happy that I am still myself.
I am happy that I still smile at the same jokes, that my favorite movie is Ferris Bueller Day's Off, that I love reality tv, that my favorite book is still Catcher in The Rye, that I love cats even if I can't have one, that I can cook and people know it.

I am kind, loving, funny, sarcastic, and smart enough to make people believe that I know more than I actually do.

I do think that I am capable of loving and being loved, but my "in love" vibe is badly bruised.

I don't worry about that just yet.

No old friend told me that once or a million times and I am happy that it still makes me feel good.

Dear Readers, I am trying to convey to you that I might just be ok. Things have changed in my life and some may stay the same/or return, but I just don't know. I just don't know, but what I do know is that I must live in the present and expect the best for the future.

Even if what occurs in the future is not what I hoped for, I have to accept change and work with it.

Things can and will change but Lola, Laura (pronounced in the novellas), Honey, Hoebucket Lovelobes, Stina, and Peruvian Cruz will still be very real to me.

Ok. I am beat, but one last thing..speaking of names, Victoria and David Beckham have named their new baby girl Harper Seven. Harper Seven Beckham is a beautiful name.

You get me, that's why I love you,


Saturday, July 9, 2011

Day One of Me

"I was full of a hot, powerful sadness and would have loved to burst into the comfort of tears, but tried hard not to, remembering something my Guru once said -- that you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

Dear Readers:

I am writing to you after a long night. I am happy to write to you because though the night was long it is now over. It is a beautiful day and I am on my way out. I have a new summer dress (it's lovely) and new sandals to go with it. I am probably going to get my hair trimmed and done just right as well.

The night was long, but it is now over. I am so happy that the sun is out and all is well. It is funny, but when you reach or at least think you've reached that final pit of omgicantdothisrightnoworever sometimes it helps to just turn off the tv, turn on the a/c (bill be damned) and turn on some Jill Scott. I did that last night. I set the tone just right and I went to bed. I left Jill on all night. At one point I woke up to this, the chorus from Hear My Call:

God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.

Dear Readers, I immediately felt the thickness of my throat closing and I knew that tears were near. I did something that I would not have done before. Instead of giving into the feelings of despair, I repeated the lyrics...whether aloud or in sleep, I do not know....

God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.

After I repeated it, I did my own remix:

God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
I am burned raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.

Dear Readers, though a part of my undoing is love, I can not continue to pin everything on it. I have to stop praying for what I think I want and understand what the Higher Power wants for me. I have to let go of my fears and my tears and open my heart for guidance.

This is such an astonishing realization and I embrace it, though gingerly. I will need time to adjust to it. I will need to remind myself. I may need to write it on a little note. Insider, you know who you are.

The quote at the very start of this blog is from an amazing book. You'd have to be under a rock to not have heard about that book. I want to practice staying strong too. I don't really know what it means to practice that skill or rather I am not sure how to go about it. I think I need to do things that make me feel good and in control, like blog.

Again, I thank you.

I would love to stay here with you forever. I mentioned to a dear friend recently that I have to write my own story. I had to take back the pens, pencils, keyboards, homing pigeons, whatever from others. I can't just let someone haphazardly write my story. Why would I do something like that? I think that when you give in to insecurities (and other negative ish) you allow others to pen your wonderful life story.

I won't do that anymore. For a very long time (though not long enough) my story was intertwined with someone else's. It felt so very good. We even named it. Somewhere along our story things got confused and now we are at a blank page. I actually think that our story is over, as every time either of us tries to write the next page we disagree on how it should be. We only agree on the end.

You can't decide the end without completing the middle, unless of course the decision is to mutually close the book.

Sometimes people say that they are moving on to a new chapter in their life. In this case, think of it as a new book altogether. Dear Readers, I am not being harsh, I am being realistic.

I have to go and get ready for my day, it's a big day and I am happy to have it. I need more big days. One last quote from the book...warning, if profanity is not your thing, stop reading here.

"Operation Self-Esteem--Day Fucking One."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

All of these quotes and more can be found at

You get me, that's why I love you,


Thursday, July 7, 2011

Last Jill Scott of the Day....:)

Too much on my mind
Too much on my mind
Too much on my mind
Too much on my...
La la la la la la la la la

Here I am thinking again
All lost in my brain
But I know I should get up and get out of it
I gotta keep moving
But here I am lost all up inside my brain
Can't stop thinking, reminiscing.
Can't stop. Can't let go.
But when I wake up,
And one day I will do it,

I have let you go
And everything I went through was beautiful
I have let you go
And everything I went through was beautiful

Maybe I, right now, can't see the forest for the trees
So lost behind hurt
But I'm trying everyday exponentially
To move forward
Do you know how it feels to be lost?

But when I wake up

Everything I went through would be beautiful
When I wake up
And I will wake up
It's gonna be beautiful

Down to my left side (Last cry)
Feeling like I could fly
(Feeling like I could fly)
All day, up high.
Sweeter than the sugar on a cinnamon treat
Or an ice cream
That was me

But I'm feeling like I'm in a nightmare
Fear of loving somebody, everywhere
Oh Lord, I need this confirmation, this affirmation

That when I wake up
When I wake up
Everything I went through will be beautiful
When I wake up
Everything I went through will be beautiful
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake up...
Everything I went through will be beautiful

Jill Scott SAID that I'm Still Here

Dear Readers:

Here are the lyrics to a Jill Scott song that is in my head. Do you feel the power in her words?

She cleanses me. I will go to extremes to be blessed by her presence. She is my rock. All others, can kick rocks.

I am a boisterous river
I am a mountains story
I am a quiet feeling
I am a fragrant flower
I am a moonlit evening
I am a peaceful night
I am a writers thinking
I am a wealth unfathomed

And if you don't recognize my presence, I am here
And if you don't recognize me, I am here

I am a source of power
I am excited journey
I am the rock of patience
I am a whisper singing
I am unbridled freedom
I am the thought from thinking
I am a love unshattered
I am the great orgasm

And if you don't recognize my presence, I am here
And if you don't recognize my presence, I am here

And even if you don't recognize me, I'm still here
And even if you don't recognize me

And even if you don't recognize me, I'm still here
And even if you don't recognize me, I am, oh, I'm still here

Even if you don't recognize me, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here

[ Lyrics from: ]

I am still here.

You get me, that's why I love you.

Lola (still here)

Cool Slick and Coming Soon

Dear Readers,

This is not a full blog. It can't be. It can't be because there is so much going on. I have to protect myself as I have to protect you. Dear Readers, currently there is so much pain and anger pulsing through my veins and into my heart. I am writing to you for strength. I am writing to you for understanding. I am not the person that you think that I am, I make mistakes...actually lots of them. I am in a place now that I never thought I'd be at again and it hurts like hell.

I think that with maturity, I should be able to handle more each time, but you know, you let your guard down and then you get stung. So this can't be our regular time together. Right now I am reaching out because the most comforting thing that I have right now are these keys. It feels so good to type, to have some normalcy to my crazy life. I won't divulge what is going on, because what I am not going to do is lay blame on anyone specifically. Rather then blog about what is happening, I rather just blog to blog. I am trying to work through this and it seems that the only way to do that is keep busy. The one who plots against me, the one who orchestrated this whole nightmare, I played myself by playing into the plan. I do feel stupid but then I think of the things that I have going for me. I had a FB conversation today about insecurities and haters and etc. Here is something new and unusual....FOR YOU TODAY! LET'S HAVE A LITTLE FUN..I am going to dash over to FB and copy the convo here, while of course protecting the identity of the FBer.

Mystery FBer: Insecurities is an ugly thing. It makes you hate on people you know and don't know. I hear the sea of forgetfulness is

Lola: It is not that cut and dry, Mystery FBer.

Mystery FBer: I believe so but everyone is different. I have major insecurities but I will not ever treat someone different or hate on them because they look better or weigh less than me. Im saying get over the hate, not human being emotions like being insecure.

Lola: I never hate anyone for what they have. I just feel like under the right circumstances someone can get under your skin. Instead of your feelings looking rational, your suffering may instead manifest as insecurities. Insecure people equal haters. I think the real hating is when you aim to take what does not belong to you.

Mystery FBer:
I agree.

Lola: Worst yet, I think the hate is contagious. We call those people jaded. It can be a victimful cycle. Even the sweetest person can fall victim if their cries for understanding go unanswered.

Mystery FBer: My point of this posting is I have been treated differently by ppl because of their insecurities. Being rude to me, etc..Everyone shines in their own time, so hating should not be a factor publicly. If you hating, do it in your own secret closet.

Mystery FBer: It depends how it is done and some people have been victims and those are special cases. However, there are ppl who are rude, spiteful, and don't care about your journey. All they see is the destination.

Lola: Oh I know someone just like that.

Lola: I think that comes with failure. Once they eff up their own journey, they want to trample all over yours. Alas, you can either back down like a spineless victim or you can stand taller, plant your feet on the ground and keep it moving.

Mystery FBer: Yup, very true.

Thank you Mystery FBer for your contribution to my blog. So Dear Readers, here is the climax of it all. Do you want to know how I am playing into the plan? I end up looking like a crazed psycho nutbag when there is nothing I can do at this point. So I have been thinking...

I can either play crazed psycho nutbag and fulfill the prophecy or I can just sit back and wait in the cut until I have a foothold in this all. I have weeks to do me, whatever I want to do and I can. I have many things going for me. Let me for a moment sing the praises of Lola...Church: Chime in When Necessary or if the Spirit Moves you...

I am intelligent

Happy Is Lola
I am beautiful

Happy Is Lola

I have an amazing little WondaFamily

Happy Is Lola

I have a pretty awesome sense of humor

Happy Is Lola

I love my friends and they love me back

Happy Is Lola

I am doing what I love the most, blog

Happy Is Lola

I am single, sexy and free

Happy Is Lola

I can go on, but I did say that this can't be a long one. No Homo. Wow, Dear Readers, you really do make me feel better. I have been spending a lot of time thinking things through. I have a nice long list of things to do to get through this period, successfully. I have been here before and all I got out of it were hangovers and a gut.

I worked too hard to get rid of my gut and I am not spending my good cash on drinking. Lord knows I can just sit at the end of any bar and have my drinks bought for me. Oh didn't know....shooooooot shut your mouth!


That is not how I want to spend my time. This time is for me to get myself even more together. I am sure that there is a higher plan and if this is it then I work through it. The fight is far from ending..and anything worth having is worth fighting for.

However, to fight now would be a waste of energy. I am not going to paint myself into a corner, though that is the reason I have never single handily painted this apartment, as I would do so...and I tangent...thank you Dear Readers for this distraction.

Thank you for wanting the best for me.

Special shout out to you, for by the time you get to read this with everything else going on in your life, you are still very much aware of my feelings. Please be aware that I am not shutting you out, rather protecting myself and my sanity for OUR future. If our roles in each others lives has been completed then in time we will both know that. The knowledge will hurt but not as much as the uncertainty does. You are now and always will be in my heart. I may say and do things that combat this statement, but yes, I love you.

Dear Readers, I want to thank you for putting up with me. Really I am a great person, but as my conversation with Mystery FBer shows, I could just give in, notice my last comment "Alas, you can either back down like a spineless victim or you can stand taller, plant your feet on the ground and keep it moving."

I am standing tall.

Everyone here gets an honorable mention...anyone who throws me shade in their effort to be in the sun...there is enough sun for everyone. At the end of the day, despite my upset, it is all good. I feel for you and your pain, because it can only be your own insecurities that would make you do such things to someone (eh hem) who did nothing to you. You feel as if you are living your life, traveling your journey, but the journey spent trampling on the backs of others, is absolutely never OK. I wish you insight.

Dear Readers, I am off to tan. It is a wonderful day to be me and I'm doing me.

You get me, that's why I love you

Lola (still here)