Tuesday, June 14, 2011

"Believe me, we're gonna do some damage.” ~Joel Zumaya

Dear Readers,

I have to tell you that it is not typical of me to post a mere 24hrs later, but.....
after yesterday's post and today's rereading of the last four or so posts, I must thank you.

I am thanking you because I am feeling good. This feeling is only possible when I blog. I blog because of you. I don't even know for sure that you are out there, but the thought of you reading, really is the catalyst.

So thank you.

I had hoped to return to Tuesday blogging and it looks like that won't be a problem. I am trying some new things with my life. I have some new aspirations and even a few old that I want to revisit.

You must be wondering what it could possibly be now, considering I have gone through so many changes, but really...isn't life about change? I'd like to share an excerpt from a poem that I just heard about.

Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

~Mary Oliver

A little background, today we held a moving up ceremony for our 10th grade and our principal mentioned the poem and spotlighted the last two lines above. Since I am Lola, I raced upstairs to google the poem and share a bit with you.

http://www.loc.gov/poetry/180/133.html <---check it out if you like.

I feel inspired. What AM I going to do with my one wild and precious life? What have I done thus far? You know what? I am not even going to hop on the soap box to preach about what I have done thus far. Hell, I will even spare you the what I PLAN to do with my ONE WILD AND PRECIOUS LIFE.

What I will tell you is that I anticipate great things. I am so blessed and excited about my one wild and precious life.

I can't believe it took me this long to understand the ginormous possibilities ahead of me. What a terrific responsibility!

Who could miss this?

Not me. Not you. Not us.

Dear Readers, I encourage you to ask yourself the same question. I challenge you to write (or quietly consider) down at least one thing you intend to do with your one wild and precious life this evening. I have not figured it out yet, simply because there are so many awesome things I could do.

Oh! That reminds me of another quote I remember seeing somewhere....bear with me while I tip tip tip tip type my fingers over these lovely keys to my friends at Bing!.

“What would you do if you knew you could not fail?”
Robert H. Schuller

What would you do? Sometimes I do whatever the hell I want, but I am not so much thinking of what I would do if I knew I could not fail. If you read yesterday's blog you will see that I don't really think ahead. Lol! Anyway...so I am going to readjust my thinking a little bit.

Eh hem...

Instead of traveling through my life all willy nilly OR traveling through my life all content and whatnot to follow the crowd, the rules and the Esta(bullshit)ishment, I vow to do the most with my one wild and precious life, living each day without fear of failure.

How awesome is that?

Anyone who wants to join me, is welcome. New friends, old friends, I would even accept an old nemesis or two (contingent on a contract that I will write up for your trifling ass).

It feels so good to look forward to life. I nearly feel like I am being reborn but with prior knowledge.

For other great quotes, dare to visit http://en.thinkexist.com/.
You may see me there, I am always reading for inspiration, as you can see by the title of today's blog.

Dear Readers,

You get me, that's why I love you.


Monday, June 13, 2011

Now What? This is the blog that never ends....

Dear Readers:

There comes a time in every one's life where you have tried many different approaches to life's many wtfs and you come to the near damning conclusion that
every damn move you have made in oh say the past 35 (spoiler) years has been a tragic misfortuned set up to your regularly scheduled program.

At this time, you can try various methods to bring yourself back to reality or push yourself further off the edge.

So further off,
now don't look down, that when you finally, gracelessly fall clear off the damn edge, no one even knows to look for you or quite possibly
does not,
not even a bit,
give a damn that you fell off.

It is not because they don't care. Life just has so much going on that you can't possibly expect anyone in their right mind or at the very least right in your own mind to walk all the way to the edge and look over for your silly ass.

What if they fall off? Gracelessly.

It kind of makes sense then to go with option one, and that is bring yourself back to reality. Dear Readers, I have a confession to make or quite possibly a revelation, I hope you are seated in an armchair with a deep seat and high arms...

My grasp on reality is nothing to talk about.
I am not the most realistic person you will ever come across.


Here is the thing, and if nothing else..if you have been here for the past 70+ blogs, or you just got here or you were looking for something else and hell now you are stuck in this abyss....

Reality sucks.

Here are some facets of reality that suck, I mean all of reality sucks, but who am I to list them all?

1. Bills will always be due. Even if you pay them monthly. Even if your Uncle Herbert leaves you a grip (high school for money), you will still have to pay the following month.

2. Love is a huge waste of time. Key the smallest violin, I am quite serious. It is not your fault or maybe this leads to number 3...

3. Yes it is. EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT. The sooner you recognize this fact, the quicker you can go ahead and admit to it, apologize and then at the best part repeat the same jacked up behavior.

4. Your children or the children of your friends (if you are childless) will dick you over. They can't help it. It is in their genetic make up. The point of children is to remind you of your faults...see #3.

5. No matter how much weight you lose, you will never find the perfect pair of jeans. This is corporate America making sure that you respond to anything that remotely looks like a sale. You poor pathetic loser, if you happen to find a pair of underwear that does not suck your ass into an abyss of nothingness...good luck.

6. Vitamins do not make a difference in your life. GNC is a joke. Eat veggies, lots of them, green ones are the best. Walk up the stairs, drink water and just live your life.

7. Ranting bloggers make very little sense as I see that this list is losing steam quickly.

8. Around every corner is someone who does not like you for reasons that only they are aware. I mean, I dislike people and it is so unfair. I am aware of that, and that has nothing to do with reality, that is my own bit of lolaness. These people who don't like you will never have anything good/bad to say about you, because in order to hate you, they can only say bad things but when they say bad things they look like assholes and when they say good things they look like kiss asses.

I am going to stop this list because as I read back, I sound like Dane Cook and Dane Cook is not paying my bills, so FIN.

Dear Readers..I am sorry for my aggression but I just feel like at my age I should not have to deal with so much. I did not anticipate the series of unfortunate events that have been dealt to me as of late.

Readers, I am a good person. I swear I am. Everything that I do is with the best intentions. I think my issue lately is that I don't really think things out. That would be my issue with reality.

Do you have any idea how often a millisecond after something has left my mouth, I think....noooooooooo whhhhhhhhhy did I sayyyyyy thattttttt....NOW WHAT??

I am tired of it. I am at a place where I feel that my voice serves no purpose than to upset. I really think I need to take a vow of silence. Of course that means I cannot have any forms of communication, not my blog, not a post it, not even my old standbys, marble notebooks.

Really, choose your words and use them. I don't want to say another word, because I am sure that I have managed with this blog to chip away at myself more. Soon there will be nothing left.

This weekend a friend told me that I don't know how to shut up. That stung a little bit, because growing up I was told that a lot. I am starting to believe that that will be my only salvation, to stfu.

Why not? Why should I keep talking? Words that I say do nothing more than manifest a broader wedge between myself and what I want the most.



I don't know how I can do it. It does help that I am harvesting this lump in my throat. It is best to keep it away from air, because than shit goes down, way down, no homo.

Dear Readers, what you need to know and this may be as important as the lesson regarding reality...

I am hanging precariously on a thin thread of sanity. This may be my cry for help or it may be too late. I will always be Lola and I will always have a kind word, smile or shoulder for anyone who needs it, but now at this time of personal need, I've opted to choose the middle ground between reality and the edge.

What's the middle ground?

I am going to dumb my life down to the basics. I still know how to breath and walk and for the most part, the art of both, even simultaneously has never failed me.

Eat well.
Sleep well.
Read books.
Be a friend to all (in need or otherwise).
Only set my own expectations for myself.<----that is tough because 1)I don't really set high expectations, 2)It is way funner to set expectations for others,(esp. high).

I have to add more to that list, but one of the secrets to maneuvering life is setting small bites. Don't overwhelm yourself.

I don't know what else to say.

You get me, that's why I love you,


Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Here a cry, there a cry, everywhere a CryBaby

Dear Readers,

I have been meaning to write this blog for some time now. If you read my last blog, you'd expect me to be a bit off. Boy, am I. Today I want to tell you about something that has been happening. I won't stress punctuation with this blog, that as other things that used to come natural to me, is lost to me. My voice does not require punctuation, my feelings can't be solidified by a period or comma.

In the past week I've seen three people crying on the train. Strangers all of them. The other day, I stood over a woman who was looking down. She had a yoga mat and duffel, and her skin was that newly dried dewy...shit, I'm a writer, I look at these things. What called my attention to her was the fact that she was rubbing the leather edge of her bag through her fingers. These are the type of moments that catch my attention. The same way she was fixated on this mindless behavior, I too was vested.

So I watched. Remember from my vantage point, I was above her. I saw one drop hit her bag. Then another, another and yet another. I shifted my view and yes, she was crying. That slow leak of tears, that she had no control over. She didn't wipe her face or her nose, rather, she allowed the tears to have on last salvation on her chin, before they hit her bag.

What to do? Readers, I wanted to comfort her, but it occurred to me...I don't know why she is crying. Maybe her plan for world domination starting with yoga, failed this evening. Maybe she left her water bottle and was too thirsty. Maybe she had a rough day at work. Maybe she is lonely. I am going to go with lonely. I don't know why she was lonely, but I do think that crying is a lonely activity.

I didn't comfort her. I did look away for a minute, so that she could cry in private but then I thought....what makes her think she will have privacy on the Bronx bound 4 train? Another thought occurred to me about this crying business. Though crying is a lonely activity, it is also about attention. Perhaps she just wanted strangers to bear witness to her pain.

That I can respect. So I watched. I watched and thought good thoughts for her that went something like this:
I hope you have a good credit score
I hope you continue with yoga, your skin is lovely
I hope that you get to eat your favorite food this weekend
I hope that your tears are worth it

Cryer #2 was on the Pelham Pkwy bound 6 train. She (or he, there was a taste of gender idk)was not ashamed of crying. She was looking straight ahead and defiantly alternately wiping her tears and hugging herself. I was almost positive that her tears were about a lover. She had that incredulous oh no this nucca didn't put me through this ish once again. Oh no I didn't fall for that ish AGAIN??!! I don't have much to say about her. She was noticeably upset. I wanted to sit next to her, hug her, over her part of my lunch.

She didn't deserve such misery on a beautiful Monday. I hope she is ok. I hope that she is laughing.

Cryer #3, I don't remember. Maybe it was me.

Readers, my eyes are getting heavy. I think its about time that I get to sleep. I have been so exhausted lately, it takes me forever to sleep.

Oh one last thing, remember when I told you how terrible I was doing in school?
Well I failed the class. That makes me want to cry, but my eyes can't deal out any more tears.

Currently there is a tear deficit.

Dear Readers, I've never asked you for a lot, well, not really...and by no means do I mean to insinuate that you are prayerful, but if you have a little good thought that you can think for me, I will really appreciate it.

You get me, that's why I love you.