Monday, September 5, 2011

Last Tuesday...Please Welcome Christine

Dear Readers,

I'm so happy to see you. Listen, I will be brief...yeah right...I was just remarking to my Dear Boi that I read/saw something about people accumulating emotions in a backpack. You carry this backpack throughout your whole life and every now and then you need to unload it. I think where people make the mistake is where or upon whom you unload it. So....I have this backpack and if you have been reading you know so much about it. I have new ish in the backpack but instead of unloading it on you, I am going to find a safe place to drop it. You see, I am quite used to others unloading all their past frustrations and aggravations (sound similar but no where near the same emotions) on me. Sometimes I think that I scoop up the ish of others and just stuff it in my own backpack, thinking that eventually I will unload it.

Dear Readers, I am going to try and do something a little different. I am going to attempt to....

Ready for this.....

wait for it....

wait for it.....

TRY TO UNLOAD IT ALL HERE IN A QUICK no specific order, I am not even going to reread it for corrections. My thought process is, to unload it all here, and then move on to my next wonderful blog experience titled Journey to Christine.

Got it? I am not putting Lola to bed, you understand that she (I, we) is my pseudonym. A pseudonym (literally, "false name") is a name that a person (or, sometimes, a group) assumes for a particular purpose and that differs from his or her original orthonym (or "true name").** I just feel like it is time to use myself to introduce myself...before there was ever a Lola there was a Christine and this way we can be one happy united Blogger Extraordinaire. Forgive me for possibly repeating words in the list, understand that some of them were not even mine originally, just dumped in my backpack.

My shoulders are so tight...I hope this does it. Shoot, I missed you all. I hope you love where I'm going as much as I love where I'm going.


low self esteem
sharp tongued
self hate
loss of spirit
loss of self
loss of belief
loss of morals
unanswered questions
lack of self respect

Ok, this list is longer than I thought and it is clear to me that this may not be a one blog Blog. Alright, as promised, I am not taking any of these emotions with me in my backpack or to my new blog. I guess the best way to respect (oh that's another one) these emotions is to revisit now and then, I think if another one comes up, I will jot it down, crumble it up and toss it. How's that?

I have not been this excited about a blog in a long time. I hope you come with me. I will not delete First Tuesday, but I must bid it adieu. I have undergone growth and I love this blog. I love this blog, I love these keys, I love this gift given to me, and the One who bestowed it. I love me, all parts, the pretty pink parts, the dark inky parts, the red seductiveness, the yellow laughter, the earthly green tones that make me the Woman that I am, that I will always be.

Hurry up! See you at Journey to Christine.

You get me, that's why I love you,

Lola (still)

**Thank you students can't use you, but I sure as hell do.

Friday, August 5, 2011

91st Blog, I pay attention....

Dear Readers,

Everytime I write a blog, I glance over to my Dear Reader list...I don't look for any main purpose, but it does feel great to see a new Dear Reader.


This time I noticed that a Dear Reader was gone. Yes, gone. I am just as shocked as you are or maybe I am not. You see, I think this Dear Reader decided to bear the insult of my 89th blog to C(unt).

Well since this person is gone, I can tell my remaining Dear Readers that this is just another nail in that coffin. You know, it is one thing to cut off all other allegiance but to cut my blog? I hate that I hurt all over again.

When will this end? When will I learn not to care anymore? How does someone methodically cut you out of their own life, a life that at one point you shared?

Guess what, Runaway Reader, you are not here to see this...but it will get back, it always does, right?

This hurts. You don't like what I have to it is your right to go. Just as it is your right to go, it is my right to be pissed.


You of all people, know how I feel about my writing.


You are not here, so nothing I say can insult anymore. I am not sorry that you were insulted, but I am already sorry for this blog.

Off to bed, before I really get irate.

You get me, that's why I love you,


About Love Lost, 90th Blog

"I say that I will never be in love again, but that is untrue. For as long as I embrace hate, love will be there. I embrace them both and understand that they are natural human emotions. Neither is bad, neither is unworthy."

Dear Readers,

The quote above is from my 89th blog. Dear Readers, I am tired and worn and by all means I should go to sleep. I was stranded today on my way home and I started thinking. I just reread my 89th blog and the quote above stood out to me.

I'd like to address me being in love again. There was a point when I thought I could only love the one that left me behind. I was so sure that if I could not love her and the love be returned, that I'd only pine away, being in love, yet alone. Then I decided to swear off love all together. What do I really need it for? Last blog I was all deep and guru like when I decided to know love was to know hate, etc, etc.

This just in, my current thoughts on love:
I gave my last two relationships my all, or at least I thought I did. I never thought that the most current relationship would end and it did. It ended so fast, some days I wonder how we fit so much love into three short years.

I know (or at least I thought I knew) what type of lover I was. The crazy thing about a break up is that you end up questioning everything that you did.

I am to tired for this right now. I have to fast forward to my last thought, and I want to thank you for being here.

I do not want to fall in love again, because the end is not worth the beginning. All love ends, I should know.

I am a little bummed. Next blog, I will be awake.

You get me, that's why I love you,


Monday, August 1, 2011

Love vs. Hate, 89th Blog...I think.

Dear Readers:

First an apology. My last blog was very angry, rather I was very angry and it turned into a rant. I think I mentioned more than once that I was ranting, but you deserve better. The idea for this blog happened late this morning and already things have changed. Let's do a quick catch up. Today is Monday.

In the past 48hrs, the following has transpired in the order set before you:
I was told that I was a loved best friend.
There was someone outside my apartment all night with a ring.
I was told that there was some confusion and now the ring has been returned.
Dinner plans were made and cancelled.
I was told yet again that I was a loved best friend.
I expressed my hate for someone, thoroughly in demonstrative dance...well words anyway.
I was told off in very nasty language, reassured that everything that has hurt so much since July will continue to hurt throughout August.
I was called immature.

Now the reason that this is all so crazy is because all that was from the same person. Do you get the Love vs. Hate scenario? Clearly there is love and hate in the past 48hrs. After being told what to do with myself in such a profanity laced way, I am definitely sitting on the dock of hate.

One more scenario for you, because I like them so much:
Let's talk about Person A, Person B, and Person C. I know that's a lot for anyone to follow, so to help you, consider Person C to stand for cunt. Now you won't get confused.

A & B were in love. Like most people in love, Hate was festering nearby. Unfortunately, Hate traveled in on the back of C. C pretended that all was good in the hood, but A was a little concerned. B is mostly naive and meant well. For the most part, A & B were not concerned enough because they still shared Love. Enter the villain, shoulder to cry on, let's talk, its ok, yada yada yada, fast forward and A feels like a fool, B is (well I don't really know about what B is up too) and C is flying happily along on the wings of Hate. At this point A & B can barely be friends. A's love for B has been severely compromised with hate for C. Did I lose you? Remember C(unt).

This is why I am here today, to tell you about the whole Love vs. Hate. I thought before that I knew what hate felt like. My hate was immature, you know that baby hate, where you hate your friend on Tuesday and love them on Wednesday by first period...or the hate that you swear you have for your mom because she is definitely out to ruin your life. I also used to think that I knew what love felt like. Love of your parents, love for your first love, love for a pet....all immature love.

Now I have been privy to mature love, the love that you least expect but when it comes you immediately want to cultivate it. You feel almost frantic at the thought of losing it, because it feels so good. You just (and when I say "you", I am speaking of myself) want to make sure that the feeling lasts forever. You have had your stint with immature love so this must be it!

As this love grows and consumes you (yes, me) you flow with it. You do things a little differently to manage and maintain it. Actually, you do things way differently. Here is where you start to lose yourself in this love. I think I talked about losing yourself to love in another blog. I do know that Liz Gilbert has some great quotes on the topic. The love becomes all consuming and the flames of it really have you, preferably you and another. There is little worst than sweltering in love and the one you love is cool as a cuke watching from a bench in the shade sipping mint julep with ice.

You must be wondering where the hate comes in. Well, it does not really announce itself, but when its here it is freaking here. You see, you cannot truly know love until you know hate and vice versa. This works even with the immature hate and love that you experience in your childhood. Yes, I LOVE Bonton Chips but I HATE broccoli. Yes, I LOVE english class, but I HATE algebra! Get it? Good.

Back to mature love....if you apply the same to mature love, what do you think mature hate looks like? It is dark, greasy, inky, despairesque...the same way you will do things differently for love, you will do them differently in the name of hate. What? Hate will make you overspend, overeat, overdrink, overthink, cry, curse, and laugh...and love will do the same thing!

I'm serious. When is the last time you bought something for someone that you loved that you couldn't afford for yourself? I am guilty of that, that was in love. When was the last time you shopped because you were feeling down? I am guilty of that, that was in hate. Love will make me blog like until I chip my nail polish, hate will do the same damn thing.

Love and Hate are sharing this blog. I say things in love like liquid poetry, encompassing all, sweetening up life as we know it, make you stretch like a feline and purr right after. I say things in hate like acid, burning, churning, festering, the same kitty cat now a foul smelly beast with words like sharp claws.

I say that Love cannot ever versus Hate because they are closer than cousins, closer than sisters, rather they are the same...two sides of a coin, if you like. One is always nipping at the toes of the others, together they ride the same bike, the Doublemint Twins of life. You can't know hate until you know love. You can't know love until you know hate.

Does this sound like bad news? Its actually good news. The love that A had for B has now become hate for C. I know that my love is strong because my hate is strong. I won't push away either. I won't make excuses for my hate, rather I will embrace it, knowing that as I do, I also embrace love.

I say that I will never be in love again, but that is untrue. For as long as I embrace hate, love will be there. I embrace them both and understand that they are natural human emotions. Neither is bad, neither is unworthy.

With the same fierce strength that I hate, I know this energy will go into love. I am so looking forward to it.

So all in all....I don't think we need to review.

Though I think my heart is broken, I know it is not. I know that I am still alive and one day someone will see the love in me, see the love that has always been here and embrace it.

I understand so much more now about me and what I can offer. The next time you see someone consumed by hate, know that love is right there, in the same place, waiting to be embraced.

You get me, that's why I love you,


Sunday, July 31, 2011

About a Girl, 88th Blog

Dear Readers:

I just blogged an entire story and then deleted it. I don't even think it hits the point, the point that I am trying to avoid. I hardly know what to say anymore. I waited for this moment my whole life to simply hear about it in passing, poor Dear Readers, you probably don't even get me right now. I am sorry, I still love you. I am so confused. I wish you could help. I no longer know what to think. To have something so abruptly yanked from your life and then it just as abruptly return...what do you do? Remember the movie, Pet Cemetery, based on the King novel? These people missed their deceased pets so much, but when they came back all angry zombie catesque then didn't know what to do.

That is a poor comparison, but I am so confused right now. What do I do? Please send help. Well actually, since I was not available for such a unrequested blessing, it, like the love I thought was there is being retracted. Just as easy as a receipt exchange. Money back, all is fair in love and war, move on.

Now I am officially not making any sense, but none of this has. This entire year has been nothing but shit, shit, shit. I lost so much, it started as just the one that I love and then everything compounded. Now my heart is in deficit. I can't trust myself to make the right decisions anymore, because everything that I thought was right, was apparently wrong.

So now, out of the blue, over night literally, everything can change but not really. Not really, because I was not at the right place at the right time.

What was to be one of the defining points of our lifetime is now nothing. Dear Readers, I know what type of life I have to expect. Right now I am snapping at my WondaGirl and she does not even deserve it. I heard earlier via God's Plan for Real Conversation (text) that I am always angry. I think my emotions look like anger, but they are more out of confusion. I am so effing confused. OMG I can't even cry anymore. I don't know what to do, what to feel, what to think. My heart and mind are at war. If I could just wrap myself up in bed and stay there I would.

Again, not angry...and I promised not to hurt again and I won't. I refuse to hurt. This blog has nothing to do with the book I am reading, as I am sure everything in that book is void at this moment. My shadow self is going to have the rest of me, and I will be wrapped in projectile behavior and sweet denial of what is really in front of me. Again, confusion reeks through out this blog.

A promise, or a sham to get back where I ought to be? Do all parties involved know about this? Am I second and if so, how long have I been second. This has been going on long enough and at this point, my brain is sending ATTACK impulses to my heart.

Now, because I am good and confused, in love and at lose, living in cusp of WHAT THE FUCK, I hear that everything that was being transpired behind my back has been aborted.

Just. Like. This.

God, why can't I just break into a run until I run out of steam and belief...belief that is going to be the death of me, belief that takes away my passion, belief that squanders myself, my very personality at risk, belief that hinders my only voice, my blog and for what...what was the belief again?? What was I fighting for again?? I need a nap, a drink, a nap, a drink, a something. I don't get me anymore so there goes everything I have left.

I am stripped of sense, and sensible behavior, of yearnings, of desires, of the slight knowledge that says yearnings and desires are the same words.

My phone chimes but I ignore it. After all, I have learned more from my phone in the past year than I have from real live people. I am tired, I am scared, I am sad, I am hurt and I HATE THAT I CAN BE HERE AT THIS TIME.

I don't know anything anymore. What a rant this blog is and what a pro you are Dear Reader to stick around. I know what it feels like to have your time and attention put through the spin cycle. I know what it is like to be left with questions, questions unanswered, conversations incomplete, thoughts unprocessed.

I guess this is where I end a thought that never ended, a blog that never concludes, a heart that will never heal, a mind that will never cease to try to answer why.

You get me, that's why I love you,


Thursday, July 28, 2011

Barely a Blog

So this is barely a blog because emotionally I am feeling setback. I know that I need to reach out,
And though I am surrounded by those who love me I feel as if I may be reaching out in the dark, worst
Yet the unknown. I mean at least in the dark, I can anticipate. At this point, Dear Readers, I feel teetered on the thin slip between
Mind and heart. This is so hard, I wish this on no one-to have known emotion so sweet and then for it to go
Bad-this is terrible. Tears are no longer sufficient, happies are a joke and not the funny kind.

This is from my iPod, as I am desperate to reach our to my one trust, you, Dear Readers.
I fear it will get only harder.

Worse than the pain of broken love is to watch another suffer as you do. God, hear my call for clarity and strength. No two people should hurt like this. Please.

You get me, that's why I love you,


Monday, July 25, 2011

I'm Still Here. I get that and understand why......

Dear Readers,

How are you? I have been missing since I went back to work. I am sorry. I have thought about you frequently. I tried to blog yesterday, but my internet was acting up. It is probably better that I didn't. I was in a so-so place yesterday.

Let's see...the last time we spoke I told you that I picked up a self help book. It has been helping me to help myself. LOL

Here is a disclaimer: I am blogging at a friend's home (she is a Dear Reader just like you) and I may be a little distracted. I can't not be distracting because she is a riot and we are having an adult conversation with adult stuff. HA!

Let my explain the book that I am reading as well as I can....the book talks about everyone having a dual self (duality) of their regular selves and their shadow self. The shadow is the part of you that prevents you from doing what you were really meant to do in life, ie, be fabulous. The shadow is the place where you hold onto negative feelings...those feelings are the ones that put you down. OK,you know me and examples. The following conversation is the what a conversation between myself and my shadow (if it could talk and I think mine does, as it is an overachiever just like me):

Lola: Wow I think I am going to write that book everyone keeps telling to write.

Shadow: You don't have time.

Lola: Hmm I have so much to do, where would I find the time?

Shadow: Yo, don't you have two kids, you pathetic single mother?

Lola: Sigh, I should do something with the kids, but I am short on cash...I am a failure.

Shadow: Now you are talking, Loser. While you are home with your kids, why don't you work out, Fat Ass?

Lola: Gosh, I feel so paunchy today....

See how I forgot all about writing my book??

So here is the thing, according to the book, the only way to get rid of the shadow's power is to embrace the feelings head on.

Lola: I am feeling sad. I think I will go buy a bottle of tequila. (WRONG)


Lola: I am feeling sad. I get that and I know why. It's OK to feel sad (CORRECT)

If you can embrace your feelings, you can then let them go and move on with yourself.


I don't want to just straight rip everything out of this book, because you should read it. I think everyone should. At the end of this blog (which will be soon, my friend is antsy) I will give you the name of the book.

Another thing...back to duality. For every bad feeling that you have, there is a good one that can combat it, but only after you recognize the bad and embrace it.

Here are the cousins:


There are still other cousins but those are the ones we all know. They are related this way: if you have never felt sadness, you will never recognize happiness and REVERSE, REVERSE, REVERSE!! Get it? That is why you need all the cousins to complete your family (The Emotional Wellbeings).

See life encourages us to try to squash the bad feelings, but even if we squash them, we still hold onto them.

This is the last bit of example from the book today....

I have had two relationships over the past ten years. My partner and I broke up after seven years, and then, the partner that I had broke up after three years. The pain from the first relationship I packed in my emotional backpack of memories....the present break has been packed on top of the past one. Got it? when you pack a bag, why do you pack? I guess because the things you pack, you need for later. Why the hell would I need the pain from not one but two relationships? Am I going to forget the pain, so I feel the need to carry it? Am I holding onto the pain in case I need it? For what? All that pain is going to do is interfere with my future.

Imagine I meet someone that is really fabulous? I want to feel the greatness of the fabulousness..but first I have to see what you have in common with all this pain that I am carrying. Hmmm yeah, you know what? Now that I have seen what you have in common, I am scared to proceed or (WORST YET)...ah yes, this is the pain that I am accustomed to...let's get involved so that one day, you too, can join the pain in my backpack.

Here it is, Dear Readers. You will never forget the pain of a break up, but there is no reason for you to relive the pain each and every time. If you just say the following or something similar:

I am in pain. I get and I understand why. It is OK to be in pain.

See when you do that, you allow yourself to experience the pain, and then what happens? You are more open to the cousin (the positive feeling).


Readers, I am going to close now, because I have other things to do, and right this second, I must let my Dear Reader (right here now) to read this blog.

Last thought. I am a little sad. I get that and I understand why. It is OK to be sad. You know what I am more happy than sad. I get that and I understand why. It is OK to be more happy than sad.


The book that I am reading is The Shadow Effect, Illuminating The Hidden Power of Your True Self. It is by Chopra, Ford and Williamson. Shout out to Barnes and Noble, $14.99!

You get me, that's why I love you,


Saturday, July 16, 2011

Safe to Read

Dear Readers:

It was mentioned to me yesterday by a particularly beautiful Dear Reader that my blogs were cause of concern. She seemed to be a little worried about me. Well, you are correct.



Actually this blog just might be about happiness. I don't know why but lately I don't feel so dark. I'd like to pin it on my happy pills, but I really just started. I guess I am just doing a little better.

I have been speaking to some wise people, Dear Readers and Otherwise, and they are helping me. I don't even know if they know it. Whether you do or don't, thank you.

I am still steadfast against any sort of love. Ewww. Yeah, I am so over it. I heard somewhere that the more you deny something, the more it is your thing.

ie Homophobia
and Gassy Farters

Maybe I am not over it, I just think that life will be easier without it. Set no expectations for others and spare yourself the aggravation.

I am having a great weekend, with good food, good friends and a sexy new pair of sandals. These sandals are giving me a foot fetish. Remember the boots that did that? I swear the only reason I could look forward to cooler weather is to wear my boots.

Today my day started with laughter and I have the same hopes for my day end. Of course there is a little crack in the meantime, while waiting for this boy who lives in my apartment to get the damn trash out. I just don't understand why it is such a struggle to take out a damn bag of trash. I guess it is on me to beat him? Too much energy. Maybe I will take a pic and make it his new FB profile pic. Yeaaaaah.

The other person who lives in my home, the accompanying me to a dinner party. I almost don't feel like going. In fact, I am only going so that the girl can eat dinner.

She will have to eat outside, because for as long as this apartment looks like this, they can live on free summer school meals. I was asked today why I cared about the garbage, since I am out all the time.

I had no answer for that. Why do I care? If they want to live like squatters, why should I care? I am going to fix them. They love my cooking...what they don't know is that this week I will only cook the stuff that I like: grains and veggies. Eventually they will break down.

You can't go to jail for child abuse if you cut off junk/fast food, right? When I look at the obesity rates in this country, I almost think its the right thing to have fat kids.

I should go get ready. But first let me tell you about my happiness:

I am happy because despite everything else, I have a great life. I go and I come as I please and I am surrounded by people who love me. I have fabulous friends and I am not lacking in entertainment. I am doing ok. I picked up a new self help book and I looking forward to helping myself.

I need to comb my hair. I almost feel like deleting this blog as I don't think I've said much of anything. awesome WondaBaby got his very first haircut. If nothing else, I've said that.

I love him.

You get me, that's why I love you,


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

82nd Blog "I think I deserve something beautiful."

Dear Readers,

Last time we were together I mentioned that I had stopped counting my blogs. Today I decided to do the math and I calculated 78. Upon further review, ie, duh the amount is right on my home page, I noticed that the number is actually 81. Eighty-one blogs since 2009.

It occurred to me that maybe I should read through a few of the blogs from 2009 if for nothing else just to make this blog about all the things that could change in the span of two years and 81 blogs.

I decided against that.

How are you this day? I don't know what time you visit, so I don't know what good part of the day I should wish you.

Good Morning.
Good Afternoon.
Good Night.

It is high morning as I write this. I have been up since about 5am. You would think I would sleep in being off of work, but I actually had to be up. It's like that and that's the way it is. Huh!

Break for a happy pill.

That is one thing that has changed in two years and 81 blogs. I had to seize and hold my happiness and it seemed that the only way to effectively do that was to procure some happy pills. Things don't get to me as much now. They still do, but the happies take the edge off.

I also have sleepy pills. Oh that makes me think of Kevin Hart. One sec, as I am dying to set up my Netflix for a little early morning hee hee.

Good thing I've always been this sporadic, otherwise, I'd be blaming these tangents on the happies.

I hope that I can concentrate on this blog with Kevin Hart in the background.



So this morning, during my travels, I was thinking about how fortunate I am. I am pretty damn fortunate. A friend recently texted me and asked how I was doing. I texted back, forlornly that I was in the middle of a pedicure, had a lunch date, play date and then dinner plans and she promptly texted me back...I am overweight, hungry, and at a job that I hate, please stop got it good.

She is right.

I DO have it good.

That being said, I wonder about others, how do you have it? Is your life good? Do you have friends telling you to stop your bitching? Lol.

I love my friends. For the most part, they center me, they do, they really do. Sometimes they will say things that make me suck my teeth and roll my eyes, but they are right.

You guys, I know that you are right. Just like you know that I am not up to that higher level thinking.

I know you have put up with a lot from me over the past year and probably prior to that, but I guess I was such an attention whore, I didn't realize that my life sucked the air out of the room.

Please let this blog be an open apology to you. I didn't mean it. Thank you for still pulling my chain when necessary and not necessary (freakers).

I love you.

During my travels, at the end of my reflection about how good I have it..I thought about what a great partner I am. I mean, I am not seriously involved with anyone right now, but when I take inventory of the beds I've shared over the years, I'm not too shabby.

I love hard, really hard, and that can be overwhelming. I didn't think it could be overwhelming until a really outspoken friend told me that I was. There go my friends again.

She said, ____ (cause she so special, she has a special nickname for me)______, you know what your problem is?

I didn't ask what. She proceeded.

Your problem is you love TOO hard. It is all good in the beginning and then after awhile, its just too much. Stop doing that, ____, hold back a bit. Save some for yourself. Don't get hurt so easy.

Then we had more wine.

She does not read this blog. If she needs something from me, she will text. We are very close and our main mode of communication is texting.

One second, as this summer school bound kid is working my right back. Happy pill, please help me....

LOL Kevin Hart is cursing out his teacher! Listen if you have Netflix or Blockbuster (damn dinosaur), please, please rent Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny.

He is killing me.

I had to put the coffee on for this kid who is on his way to summer school. What a colossal waste of a summer.

Either way, I am living. Yes, you read it right. I know that I have fallen off the wagon a few times, but I am doing pretty good. Even with a little help. There is nothing wrong with help, especially when you need it as much as me.

I am wondering about the next phase of my life. I have many more blogs to pen, with or without the cats, with or without a partner.

I am my own best friend. I do love hard, but I do not fear my love. I do not shy away from the love that I give. I live for it. Not enough to tattoo the ish on me, but strong enough to feel it in everything that I do. Every single thing that I do, I do with love.

I don't have to wait for anyone to realize that as I've already realized it. Go me....

I had a conversation with another friend and I felt awfully wise because I figured something out about her. Something that she knew but was concerned about admitting out loud. Shooot....own your ish. If that is who you are, embrace it.

I surely embrace myself.

So I figured out something about this friend that others either missed or were unwilling to deal with. I am cool.

My standards have fluctuated over the past two years and 81 blogs. Things that I didn't think I could handle, I can now. On the same note stuff that seemed easy then are not easy now.

People change. Someone else I used to know was fond of saying, if you don't change what I need you to change, I change. That is not the exact way she would say it and you'd think I'd know the shit word for word the amount of times I heard it...but it was pretty much that.

I don't know if that is how I feel. I don't know how down I am with changing myself when others cease to change around me. Why not just accept them the way that they are without changing who you are?

Imagine if I changed myself every single time someone refused to conform to a vision that I had?

I would be a unicorn by now...a damn unicorn.

"Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

In other words...I think, stop wishing that circumstances are catering to you and just work with what you have...

I think it means more than that but I am pretty sure that Elizabeth didn't mean to shut down emotionally and stubbornly glare at the offending person who would not conform to your standards.

How DARE you not be the way that I WANT YOU TO BE?? DO YOU NOT HEAR MY DEMANDS??

"In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

See what I mean? Elizabeth is on to something.

One last quote and then I am going to give my full attention to Kevin Hart. I also need to peel these contacts off. ouch

"Tis' better to live your own life imperfectly than to imitate someone else's perfectly."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

You get me, that's why I love you,


Monday, July 11, 2011


Dear Readers:

It has occurred to me that I don't know what number blog we are on. Remember when I'd list them by number?

What happened to that?
What happened to me?

Today in mixed company my blog was mentioned and an avid reader complained that I wrote in code. Do I do that? Yes.

Should I?

I actually shouldn't and I know this and quite possibly you may be aware as well. It is not because I don't want to be honest with you, I actually am honest.

As honest as I can be under the circumstances.

I don't really know why I am here. It is well into the next day and I should be asleep. I only got in a little while ago and I recall traveling sleepily on the train thinking that I could not wait to get home to blog.

Not sleep, but blog.

I don't even have a topic. I just just know that I need you right now.

I need you more than:
another drink
more chocolate

There are more things but I can't think of them now.

I wanted to put sleep on that list, but sleep is not actually my friend. I have been taking something to help me sleep through the night, but my nights are still stalked by terrors and unspoken fears.

I don't sleep well for that reason and I tend to stay up until a point of delirium where sleep didn't' come, death would surely follow.

Check me out, Lil E. Poe in the hizouse.

My Dear Readers, today was a good day. I won't bore you with the abouts of the day, but overall good. I faced my usual suspects and handled (nearly effortlessly) my regular shit. I went through my emotions, checking them off as I did, so's not to neglect one or more.

It is my everyday duty, to check them off, one by one. I guess it is emotional inventory. I long for the days when I didn't have to make sure all of my emotions were accounted for and it tires me that this quite possibly is my life.

Speaking of my life, I looked at some beautiful wedding pictures recently. The brides were lovely and in my heart, I wished that I could partake of that loveliness. I try to be forward thinking and say things like in my next life, but in actuality, I don't believe that I will have another life. I am pretty damn positive that this is my only life and I feel resentful that I won't have a wedding. I won't have a ring, I won't have any of that. I won't write my vows, I won't look forward to hers, we won't ask folk to donate to our favorite charity in lieu of gifts.

None of that.

I feel a little cheated. Growing up I swore that I didn't want a wedding and I nearly convinced myself that I didn't' and now that I think about it. I do.

There is so much that I wished I did during my life. Things that if I didn't do yet, I might as well check them off just as efficiently that I check off my emotions.

I fear that one day I will be blogging with arthritic fingers surrounded by cats.

Yes, Crazy Lesbian Cat Lady is in my future.

I no longer believe in love. Correction, I do believe in love, I believe that it always ends and for that reason it is not reliable.

This blog started one way and now must end another. I don't know what to say, except thank you for putting up with me. I don't even feel like proofreading. I will though, pardon my missed connections.

You get me, that's why I love you.


Sunday, July 10, 2011


Dear Readers,

So my weekend was peaceful. I don't know how I found peace, but I did, and I am not questioning. Today, I was traveling on the train and a name started to resonate in my head.

Again and again, the name tried to invade my thoughts along with images, images that I was not ready to confront. I didn't know what to do, so I tried to combat the name and images with a different name and image. This worked for a second, but the invading thought was so strong.

I felt anxious as I worked so hard to not deal with those thoughts...not now or later, but if I had a choice, it would have been later. Sometimes life simply does not work that way.

All of a sudden I thought of my name...and every name that has ever been mine. For someone who swore she hated nicknames I sure have many. I will spare you my government name, because despite all I am going though, I still have to keep a little something to myself. Here is a list of all my alias:

Laura (pronounced in the novellas)
Honey (my sim name)
Hoebucket Lovelobes
Peruvian Cruz

I thought of all these names, and they bought a smile to my face. You know, I never realized there were so many. What is awesome is despite the handle I carry, I am always me...ever evolving...but still the same.

Where am I going with this? Not sure. All I know is that I am still me. Different circumstances and personalities enter your life, yet you can still be yourself.

I am happy that I am still myself.
I am happy that I still smile at the same jokes, that my favorite movie is Ferris Bueller Day's Off, that I love reality tv, that my favorite book is still Catcher in The Rye, that I love cats even if I can't have one, that I can cook and people know it.

I am kind, loving, funny, sarcastic, and smart enough to make people believe that I know more than I actually do.

I do think that I am capable of loving and being loved, but my "in love" vibe is badly bruised.

I don't worry about that just yet.

No old friend told me that once or a million times and I am happy that it still makes me feel good.

Dear Readers, I am trying to convey to you that I might just be ok. Things have changed in my life and some may stay the same/or return, but I just don't know. I just don't know, but what I do know is that I must live in the present and expect the best for the future.

Even if what occurs in the future is not what I hoped for, I have to accept change and work with it.

Things can and will change but Lola, Laura (pronounced in the novellas), Honey, Hoebucket Lovelobes, Stina, and Peruvian Cruz will still be very real to me.

Ok. I am beat, but one last thing..speaking of names, Victoria and David Beckham have named their new baby girl Harper Seven. Harper Seven Beckham is a beautiful name.

You get me, that's why I love you,


Saturday, July 9, 2011

Day One of Me

"I was full of a hot, powerful sadness and would have loved to burst into the comfort of tears, but tried hard not to, remembering something my Guru once said -- that you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

Dear Readers:

I am writing to you after a long night. I am happy to write to you because though the night was long it is now over. It is a beautiful day and I am on my way out. I have a new summer dress (it's lovely) and new sandals to go with it. I am probably going to get my hair trimmed and done just right as well.

The night was long, but it is now over. I am so happy that the sun is out and all is well. It is funny, but when you reach or at least think you've reached that final pit of omgicantdothisrightnoworever sometimes it helps to just turn off the tv, turn on the a/c (bill be damned) and turn on some Jill Scott. I did that last night. I set the tone just right and I went to bed. I left Jill on all night. At one point I woke up to this, the chorus from Hear My Call:

God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.

Dear Readers, I immediately felt the thickness of my throat closing and I knew that tears were near. I did something that I would not have done before. Instead of giving into the feelings of despair, I repeated the lyrics...whether aloud or in sleep, I do not know....

God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.

After I repeated it, I did my own remix:

God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
I am burned raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.

Dear Readers, though a part of my undoing is love, I can not continue to pin everything on it. I have to stop praying for what I think I want and understand what the Higher Power wants for me. I have to let go of my fears and my tears and open my heart for guidance.

This is such an astonishing realization and I embrace it, though gingerly. I will need time to adjust to it. I will need to remind myself. I may need to write it on a little note. Insider, you know who you are.

The quote at the very start of this blog is from an amazing book. You'd have to be under a rock to not have heard about that book. I want to practice staying strong too. I don't really know what it means to practice that skill or rather I am not sure how to go about it. I think I need to do things that make me feel good and in control, like blog.

Again, I thank you.

I would love to stay here with you forever. I mentioned to a dear friend recently that I have to write my own story. I had to take back the pens, pencils, keyboards, homing pigeons, whatever from others. I can't just let someone haphazardly write my story. Why would I do something like that? I think that when you give in to insecurities (and other negative ish) you allow others to pen your wonderful life story.

I won't do that anymore. For a very long time (though not long enough) my story was intertwined with someone else's. It felt so very good. We even named it. Somewhere along our story things got confused and now we are at a blank page. I actually think that our story is over, as every time either of us tries to write the next page we disagree on how it should be. We only agree on the end.

You can't decide the end without completing the middle, unless of course the decision is to mutually close the book.

Sometimes people say that they are moving on to a new chapter in their life. In this case, think of it as a new book altogether. Dear Readers, I am not being harsh, I am being realistic.

I have to go and get ready for my day, it's a big day and I am happy to have it. I need more big days. One last quote from the book...warning, if profanity is not your thing, stop reading here.

"Operation Self-Esteem--Day Fucking One."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

All of these quotes and more can be found at

You get me, that's why I love you,


Thursday, July 7, 2011

Last Jill Scott of the Day....:)

Too much on my mind
Too much on my mind
Too much on my mind
Too much on my...
La la la la la la la la la

Here I am thinking again
All lost in my brain
But I know I should get up and get out of it
I gotta keep moving
But here I am lost all up inside my brain
Can't stop thinking, reminiscing.
Can't stop. Can't let go.
But when I wake up,
And one day I will do it,

I have let you go
And everything I went through was beautiful
I have let you go
And everything I went through was beautiful

Maybe I, right now, can't see the forest for the trees
So lost behind hurt
But I'm trying everyday exponentially
To move forward
Do you know how it feels to be lost?

But when I wake up

Everything I went through would be beautiful
When I wake up
And I will wake up
It's gonna be beautiful

Down to my left side (Last cry)
Feeling like I could fly
(Feeling like I could fly)
All day, up high.
Sweeter than the sugar on a cinnamon treat
Or an ice cream
That was me

But I'm feeling like I'm in a nightmare
Fear of loving somebody, everywhere
Oh Lord, I need this confirmation, this affirmation

That when I wake up
When I wake up
Everything I went through will be beautiful
When I wake up
Everything I went through will be beautiful
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake up...
Everything I went through will be beautiful

Jill Scott SAID that I'm Still Here

Dear Readers:

Here are the lyrics to a Jill Scott song that is in my head. Do you feel the power in her words?

She cleanses me. I will go to extremes to be blessed by her presence. She is my rock. All others, can kick rocks.

I am a boisterous river
I am a mountains story
I am a quiet feeling
I am a fragrant flower
I am a moonlit evening
I am a peaceful night
I am a writers thinking
I am a wealth unfathomed

And if you don't recognize my presence, I am here
And if you don't recognize me, I am here

I am a source of power
I am excited journey
I am the rock of patience
I am a whisper singing
I am unbridled freedom
I am the thought from thinking
I am a love unshattered
I am the great orgasm

And if you don't recognize my presence, I am here
And if you don't recognize my presence, I am here

And even if you don't recognize me, I'm still here
And even if you don't recognize me

And even if you don't recognize me, I'm still here
And even if you don't recognize me, I am, oh, I'm still here

Even if you don't recognize me, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here

[ Lyrics from: ]

I am still here.

You get me, that's why I love you.

Lola (still here)

Cool Slick and Coming Soon

Dear Readers,

This is not a full blog. It can't be. It can't be because there is so much going on. I have to protect myself as I have to protect you. Dear Readers, currently there is so much pain and anger pulsing through my veins and into my heart. I am writing to you for strength. I am writing to you for understanding. I am not the person that you think that I am, I make mistakes...actually lots of them. I am in a place now that I never thought I'd be at again and it hurts like hell.

I think that with maturity, I should be able to handle more each time, but you know, you let your guard down and then you get stung. So this can't be our regular time together. Right now I am reaching out because the most comforting thing that I have right now are these keys. It feels so good to type, to have some normalcy to my crazy life. I won't divulge what is going on, because what I am not going to do is lay blame on anyone specifically. Rather then blog about what is happening, I rather just blog to blog. I am trying to work through this and it seems that the only way to do that is keep busy. The one who plots against me, the one who orchestrated this whole nightmare, I played myself by playing into the plan. I do feel stupid but then I think of the things that I have going for me. I had a FB conversation today about insecurities and haters and etc. Here is something new and unusual....FOR YOU TODAY! LET'S HAVE A LITTLE FUN..I am going to dash over to FB and copy the convo here, while of course protecting the identity of the FBer.

Mystery FBer: Insecurities is an ugly thing. It makes you hate on people you know and don't know. I hear the sea of forgetfulness is

Lola: It is not that cut and dry, Mystery FBer.

Mystery FBer: I believe so but everyone is different. I have major insecurities but I will not ever treat someone different or hate on them because they look better or weigh less than me. Im saying get over the hate, not human being emotions like being insecure.

Lola: I never hate anyone for what they have. I just feel like under the right circumstances someone can get under your skin. Instead of your feelings looking rational, your suffering may instead manifest as insecurities. Insecure people equal haters. I think the real hating is when you aim to take what does not belong to you.

Mystery FBer:
I agree.

Lola: Worst yet, I think the hate is contagious. We call those people jaded. It can be a victimful cycle. Even the sweetest person can fall victim if their cries for understanding go unanswered.

Mystery FBer: My point of this posting is I have been treated differently by ppl because of their insecurities. Being rude to me, etc..Everyone shines in their own time, so hating should not be a factor publicly. If you hating, do it in your own secret closet.

Mystery FBer: It depends how it is done and some people have been victims and those are special cases. However, there are ppl who are rude, spiteful, and don't care about your journey. All they see is the destination.

Lola: Oh I know someone just like that.

Lola: I think that comes with failure. Once they eff up their own journey, they want to trample all over yours. Alas, you can either back down like a spineless victim or you can stand taller, plant your feet on the ground and keep it moving.

Mystery FBer: Yup, very true.

Thank you Mystery FBer for your contribution to my blog. So Dear Readers, here is the climax of it all. Do you want to know how I am playing into the plan? I end up looking like a crazed psycho nutbag when there is nothing I can do at this point. So I have been thinking...

I can either play crazed psycho nutbag and fulfill the prophecy or I can just sit back and wait in the cut until I have a foothold in this all. I have weeks to do me, whatever I want to do and I can. I have many things going for me. Let me for a moment sing the praises of Lola...Church: Chime in When Necessary or if the Spirit Moves you...

I am intelligent

Happy Is Lola
I am beautiful

Happy Is Lola

I have an amazing little WondaFamily

Happy Is Lola

I have a pretty awesome sense of humor

Happy Is Lola

I love my friends and they love me back

Happy Is Lola

I am doing what I love the most, blog

Happy Is Lola

I am single, sexy and free

Happy Is Lola

I can go on, but I did say that this can't be a long one. No Homo. Wow, Dear Readers, you really do make me feel better. I have been spending a lot of time thinking things through. I have a nice long list of things to do to get through this period, successfully. I have been here before and all I got out of it were hangovers and a gut.

I worked too hard to get rid of my gut and I am not spending my good cash on drinking. Lord knows I can just sit at the end of any bar and have my drinks bought for me. Oh didn't know....shooooooot shut your mouth!


That is not how I want to spend my time. This time is for me to get myself even more together. I am sure that there is a higher plan and if this is it then I work through it. The fight is far from ending..and anything worth having is worth fighting for.

However, to fight now would be a waste of energy. I am not going to paint myself into a corner, though that is the reason I have never single handily painted this apartment, as I would do so...and I tangent...thank you Dear Readers for this distraction.

Thank you for wanting the best for me.

Special shout out to you, for by the time you get to read this with everything else going on in your life, you are still very much aware of my feelings. Please be aware that I am not shutting you out, rather protecting myself and my sanity for OUR future. If our roles in each others lives has been completed then in time we will both know that. The knowledge will hurt but not as much as the uncertainty does. You are now and always will be in my heart. I may say and do things that combat this statement, but yes, I love you.

Dear Readers, I want to thank you for putting up with me. Really I am a great person, but as my conversation with Mystery FBer shows, I could just give in, notice my last comment "Alas, you can either back down like a spineless victim or you can stand taller, plant your feet on the ground and keep it moving."

I am standing tall.

Everyone here gets an honorable mention...anyone who throws me shade in their effort to be in the sun...there is enough sun for everyone. At the end of the day, despite my upset, it is all good. I feel for you and your pain, because it can only be your own insecurities that would make you do such things to someone (eh hem) who did nothing to you. You feel as if you are living your life, traveling your journey, but the journey spent trampling on the backs of others, is absolutely never OK. I wish you insight.

Dear Readers, I am off to tan. It is a wonderful day to be me and I'm doing me.

You get me, that's why I love you

Lola (still here)

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

"Believe me, we're gonna do some damage.” ~Joel Zumaya

Dear Readers,

I have to tell you that it is not typical of me to post a mere 24hrs later, but.....
after yesterday's post and today's rereading of the last four or so posts, I must thank you.

I am thanking you because I am feeling good. This feeling is only possible when I blog. I blog because of you. I don't even know for sure that you are out there, but the thought of you reading, really is the catalyst.

So thank you.

I had hoped to return to Tuesday blogging and it looks like that won't be a problem. I am trying some new things with my life. I have some new aspirations and even a few old that I want to revisit.

You must be wondering what it could possibly be now, considering I have gone through so many changes, but really...isn't life about change? I'd like to share an excerpt from a poem that I just heard about.

Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

~Mary Oliver

A little background, today we held a moving up ceremony for our 10th grade and our principal mentioned the poem and spotlighted the last two lines above. Since I am Lola, I raced upstairs to google the poem and share a bit with you. <---check it out if you like.

I feel inspired. What AM I going to do with my one wild and precious life? What have I done thus far? You know what? I am not even going to hop on the soap box to preach about what I have done thus far. Hell, I will even spare you the what I PLAN to do with my ONE WILD AND PRECIOUS LIFE.

What I will tell you is that I anticipate great things. I am so blessed and excited about my one wild and precious life.

I can't believe it took me this long to understand the ginormous possibilities ahead of me. What a terrific responsibility!

Who could miss this?

Not me. Not you. Not us.

Dear Readers, I encourage you to ask yourself the same question. I challenge you to write (or quietly consider) down at least one thing you intend to do with your one wild and precious life this evening. I have not figured it out yet, simply because there are so many awesome things I could do.

Oh! That reminds me of another quote I remember seeing somewhere....bear with me while I tip tip tip tip type my fingers over these lovely keys to my friends at Bing!.

“What would you do if you knew you could not fail?”
Robert H. Schuller

What would you do? Sometimes I do whatever the hell I want, but I am not so much thinking of what I would do if I knew I could not fail. If you read yesterday's blog you will see that I don't really think ahead. Lol! I am going to readjust my thinking a little bit.

Eh hem...

Instead of traveling through my life all willy nilly OR traveling through my life all content and whatnot to follow the crowd, the rules and the Esta(bullshit)ishment, I vow to do the most with my one wild and precious life, living each day without fear of failure.

How awesome is that?

Anyone who wants to join me, is welcome. New friends, old friends, I would even accept an old nemesis or two (contingent on a contract that I will write up for your trifling ass).

It feels so good to look forward to life. I nearly feel like I am being reborn but with prior knowledge.

For other great quotes, dare to visit
You may see me there, I am always reading for inspiration, as you can see by the title of today's blog.

Dear Readers,

You get me, that's why I love you.


Monday, June 13, 2011

Now What? This is the blog that never ends....

Dear Readers:

There comes a time in every one's life where you have tried many different approaches to life's many wtfs and you come to the near damning conclusion that
every damn move you have made in oh say the past 35 (spoiler) years has been a tragic misfortuned set up to your regularly scheduled program.

At this time, you can try various methods to bring yourself back to reality or push yourself further off the edge.

So further off,
now don't look down, that when you finally, gracelessly fall clear off the damn edge, no one even knows to look for you or quite possibly
does not,
not even a bit,
give a damn that you fell off.

It is not because they don't care. Life just has so much going on that you can't possibly expect anyone in their right mind or at the very least right in your own mind to walk all the way to the edge and look over for your silly ass.

What if they fall off? Gracelessly.

It kind of makes sense then to go with option one, and that is bring yourself back to reality. Dear Readers, I have a confession to make or quite possibly a revelation, I hope you are seated in an armchair with a deep seat and high arms...

My grasp on reality is nothing to talk about.
I am not the most realistic person you will ever come across.


Here is the thing, and if nothing else..if you have been here for the past 70+ blogs, or you just got here or you were looking for something else and hell now you are stuck in this abyss....

Reality sucks.

Here are some facets of reality that suck, I mean all of reality sucks, but who am I to list them all?

1. Bills will always be due. Even if you pay them monthly. Even if your Uncle Herbert leaves you a grip (high school for money), you will still have to pay the following month.

2. Love is a huge waste of time. Key the smallest violin, I am quite serious. It is not your fault or maybe this leads to number 3...

3. Yes it is. EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT. The sooner you recognize this fact, the quicker you can go ahead and admit to it, apologize and then at the best part repeat the same jacked up behavior.

4. Your children or the children of your friends (if you are childless) will dick you over. They can't help it. It is in their genetic make up. The point of children is to remind you of your faults...see #3.

5. No matter how much weight you lose, you will never find the perfect pair of jeans. This is corporate America making sure that you respond to anything that remotely looks like a sale. You poor pathetic loser, if you happen to find a pair of underwear that does not suck your ass into an abyss of nothingness...good luck.

6. Vitamins do not make a difference in your life. GNC is a joke. Eat veggies, lots of them, green ones are the best. Walk up the stairs, drink water and just live your life.

7. Ranting bloggers make very little sense as I see that this list is losing steam quickly.

8. Around every corner is someone who does not like you for reasons that only they are aware. I mean, I dislike people and it is so unfair. I am aware of that, and that has nothing to do with reality, that is my own bit of lolaness. These people who don't like you will never have anything good/bad to say about you, because in order to hate you, they can only say bad things but when they say bad things they look like assholes and when they say good things they look like kiss asses.

I am going to stop this list because as I read back, I sound like Dane Cook and Dane Cook is not paying my bills, so FIN.

Dear Readers..I am sorry for my aggression but I just feel like at my age I should not have to deal with so much. I did not anticipate the series of unfortunate events that have been dealt to me as of late.

Readers, I am a good person. I swear I am. Everything that I do is with the best intentions. I think my issue lately is that I don't really think things out. That would be my issue with reality.

Do you have any idea how often a millisecond after something has left my mouth, I think....noooooooooo whhhhhhhhhy did I sayyyyyy thattttttt....NOW WHAT??

I am tired of it. I am at a place where I feel that my voice serves no purpose than to upset. I really think I need to take a vow of silence. Of course that means I cannot have any forms of communication, not my blog, not a post it, not even my old standbys, marble notebooks.

Really, choose your words and use them. I don't want to say another word, because I am sure that I have managed with this blog to chip away at myself more. Soon there will be nothing left.

This weekend a friend told me that I don't know how to shut up. That stung a little bit, because growing up I was told that a lot. I am starting to believe that that will be my only salvation, to stfu.

Why not? Why should I keep talking? Words that I say do nothing more than manifest a broader wedge between myself and what I want the most.



I don't know how I can do it. It does help that I am harvesting this lump in my throat. It is best to keep it away from air, because than shit goes down, way down, no homo.

Dear Readers, what you need to know and this may be as important as the lesson regarding reality...

I am hanging precariously on a thin thread of sanity. This may be my cry for help or it may be too late. I will always be Lola and I will always have a kind word, smile or shoulder for anyone who needs it, but now at this time of personal need, I've opted to choose the middle ground between reality and the edge.

What's the middle ground?

I am going to dumb my life down to the basics. I still know how to breath and walk and for the most part, the art of both, even simultaneously has never failed me.

Eat well.
Sleep well.
Read books.
Be a friend to all (in need or otherwise).
Only set my own expectations for myself.<----that is tough because 1)I don't really set high expectations, 2)It is way funner to set expectations for others,(esp. high).

I have to add more to that list, but one of the secrets to maneuvering life is setting small bites. Don't overwhelm yourself.

I don't know what else to say.

You get me, that's why I love you,


Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Here a cry, there a cry, everywhere a CryBaby

Dear Readers,

I have been meaning to write this blog for some time now. If you read my last blog, you'd expect me to be a bit off. Boy, am I. Today I want to tell you about something that has been happening. I won't stress punctuation with this blog, that as other things that used to come natural to me, is lost to me. My voice does not require punctuation, my feelings can't be solidified by a period or comma.

In the past week I've seen three people crying on the train. Strangers all of them. The other day, I stood over a woman who was looking down. She had a yoga mat and duffel, and her skin was that newly dried dewy...shit, I'm a writer, I look at these things. What called my attention to her was the fact that she was rubbing the leather edge of her bag through her fingers. These are the type of moments that catch my attention. The same way she was fixated on this mindless behavior, I too was vested.

So I watched. Remember from my vantage point, I was above her. I saw one drop hit her bag. Then another, another and yet another. I shifted my view and yes, she was crying. That slow leak of tears, that she had no control over. She didn't wipe her face or her nose, rather, she allowed the tears to have on last salvation on her chin, before they hit her bag.

What to do? Readers, I wanted to comfort her, but it occurred to me...I don't know why she is crying. Maybe her plan for world domination starting with yoga, failed this evening. Maybe she left her water bottle and was too thirsty. Maybe she had a rough day at work. Maybe she is lonely. I am going to go with lonely. I don't know why she was lonely, but I do think that crying is a lonely activity.

I didn't comfort her. I did look away for a minute, so that she could cry in private but then I thought....what makes her think she will have privacy on the Bronx bound 4 train? Another thought occurred to me about this crying business. Though crying is a lonely activity, it is also about attention. Perhaps she just wanted strangers to bear witness to her pain.

That I can respect. So I watched. I watched and thought good thoughts for her that went something like this:
I hope you have a good credit score
I hope you continue with yoga, your skin is lovely
I hope that you get to eat your favorite food this weekend
I hope that your tears are worth it

Cryer #2 was on the Pelham Pkwy bound 6 train. She (or he, there was a taste of gender idk)was not ashamed of crying. She was looking straight ahead and defiantly alternately wiping her tears and hugging herself. I was almost positive that her tears were about a lover. She had that incredulous oh no this nucca didn't put me through this ish once again. Oh no I didn't fall for that ish AGAIN??!! I don't have much to say about her. She was noticeably upset. I wanted to sit next to her, hug her, over her part of my lunch.

She didn't deserve such misery on a beautiful Monday. I hope she is ok. I hope that she is laughing.

Cryer #3, I don't remember. Maybe it was me.

Readers, my eyes are getting heavy. I think its about time that I get to sleep. I have been so exhausted lately, it takes me forever to sleep.

Oh one last thing, remember when I told you how terrible I was doing in school?
Well I failed the class. That makes me want to cry, but my eyes can't deal out any more tears.

Currently there is a tear deficit.

Dear Readers, I've never asked you for a lot, well, not really...and by no means do I mean to insinuate that you are prayerful, but if you have a little good thought that you can think for me, I will really appreciate it.

You get me, that's why I love you.


Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The End

Dear Readers:

The end of a love affair hurts so much. Perhaps I should not be writing this, but at this point, why censor?

Love feels so good when it is good, but the minute it goes bad, you (or at least I)feel like you are watching deleted scenes from a movie. I want to say that I have no regrets, but sometimes I wonder if present feelings are worth the past or is it the other way around?

Readers, there is no way that I can be up with anything right now. I apologize to you because I have been inattentive. I know that I am always apologizing for that. My heart has been heavy lately. I swear I try to go on, but....

By no means are you to think that I am in danger of hurting myself. All the hurt that I am feeling was coming, whether by someone else or by my own hand. I did not take care of my heart or the heart of my loved one and here is where we stand.

In fact, we stand apart. The only thing joining us at this point is pain. Funny, pain is what bought us together. The saying is, "how you get them, is how you lose them". I guess that is true.

Readers, I have been holding back on my blog because you deserve better than this. I have been trying to be optimistic and it is not working. I spend all my time either manically giggling or hysterically crying. How would you feel? How would you communicate?

I either want to cut myself off from the world or uber engage myself, just to prevent being alone. This upcoming weekend I will be alone to face my demons, all of them.

I don't know what that means, I don't know what to expect. I will be working on my own and have decided not to call anyone. Readers, my "real time friends" have been so supportive, I think, rather I know, that everyone needs a break from me.

Shit, I need a break from me.

I am back on Facebook. I left FB because it gave me a false sense of security. I didn't think that I was missing anything because I was always there. All of my friends, new and old, in one stop shopping. Unfortunately, I've had to face my loneliness, as that will be the only way to combat it.

I decided that FB is not the culprit.

Lesson One in Self:
1. Don't Lay Blame.

I have to take responsibility for myself. I can no longer push everything on others. See, the problem is, when I push my problems on others they do one of two things:
1. Ignore them. This angers me because WTF??
2. Offer advice. This angers me because WTF??

If I am getting the same results, why bother? I understand that it will be more work for me, handling my own shit, but maybe that is what I need.

Dear Readers, I am blogging at work, so that is why I am all over the place. Honestly, there is no one place where I could be at peace with myself right now.

Lesson Two in Self:
2. Love Yourself.

I know you have heard that before. Yada yada is so true! It is really hard to put yourself before others, but it is very important. You know what is annoying about the important stuff? They are the hardest to accomplish. I think so. I keep forgetting to love myself first and sometimes I think I am doing a great job and then...nope....I suck at it.

The thing is, sometimes when you love yourself, people think that you are being selfish. Yet, I've been told to be selfish. The very people who tell you to be selfish, will be the first to accuse you of such behavior when THEY feel shorted.

Funny stuff?

Yeah man.

Ok. I don't know what I've accomplished, but perhaps after reading this again, I will find some pearl of something or another.

Right now, I have to get back to work.


You get me, that's why I love you (still).


Tuesday, May 17, 2011


Dear Readers:

Sorry for the spazzed title. I keep rewriting the title of this blog. Typically I write the blog first, then title it, but nothing is typical lately. I hardly know where to start, so I guess that is going to be the mood of this blog, untitled.

I am happy that you are here. I really am. Thank you. The school year is ending so my first official year of teaching is coming to an end. My classes are coming to an end for the time being.

I am a teacher, so I can grade. If I were to grade my teaching performance I'd give myself a C-. Trust me, Dear Readers, I am doing myself a favor. I am being very kind. I don't really think that I taught as much as kept myself from drowning. Really, it was, it is, a mess. I love my students, really love them, because they put up with some much lolafoolery. I kind of feel sorry for them, since this year was a wash, but I will pay in the end. I have so much ish to do with them for the next two years. OMG...I will more than have my foot in my ass, I will be supporting damn near my whole leg...yes, in my ass. So a C- it is.

As far a grad school

Big F! F- if possible. I have never had such dismal academic performance. I was late, absent and disengaged. I was every teacher's nightmare. I didn't complete my homework on time, if at all. I barely said a peep during class, rather I played with my cell phone. I was sullen. All of my assignments were half assed and late. I don't know what my grades will look like, but I am firm believer in preparing for the worst, so yeah....


I didn't even rent, much less buy the textbooks. Lol. I will feel it, I am sure. There is the other leg up my ass.

I must take this time to congradulate myself on being professional, as professional as I can be, as I really don't feel like blogging about this, but I promised you a blog, Dear Readers, and I won't let you down.

Though....I learned something about myself tonight. I have let people down in my life with my bohemian ways. I need to find a balance and I can't or I won't. So what does that say about me? I have always boasted about loving hard, I bet if you go through my blogs you will find that I say the frequently. You know what? Maybe I am a liar. I am, actually, another lesson. My grandmother (whom I miss terribly, 9/20/04) always would tell me that it is ok for a little white lie, with two major reasons: to not hurt someone and to not hurt yourself. To not hurt someone is quite explanatory, why hurt people when a little white lie could prevent it? As far as hurting yourself, Grandma had us all convinced that something would happen to us if we didn't lie...usually rape or some other terrible crime. What?? Whaaaaaat?? Please allow me to explaing. Here is the scenario that she was fond of:

Stranger: Well Hello Good Looking
Me: Oh Hello
Stranger: So are you here by yourself/walking alone/waiting for someone/work here (etc, that part was variable)
Me: Haha, actually I am waiting for my father/boyfriend/husband/brother, the Chief of Police/CIA/FBI/Fireman to pick me up.

Get it?

She meant well.

I have told my share of lies in my life. Shit, a portion of them were to the very person that advised me to do so. I love her. I love you, Katherine Mendez, we are bulls, like you.

Maybe I told too many, maybe I made mistakes, but I never, NEVER told them in the wrong spirit. I've never told them to hurt anyone, I've never told them for my own gain, except of course to protect myself from The Killer. I wish I could take some if not all of my lies back. At this point, I wonder what difference that would make.

I guess it wouldn't hurt the very people that I hoped to protect.

So here I am, all reflective and whatnot and where does it leave me? Nowhere. Same place, different time. You would think that this blog would get me somewhere, but again it is untitled, so go figure.

Dear Readers, now is another great time for Dear Reader Feedback. I wish you could all advise me, but there are somethings preventing you. The obvious, you are not here in real time with me as I write and the other....I have not really told you what I need help on.

Ah another fine trait. I don't have too much issue with what I want, more so the how to get it, keep it, maintain it.

Those two lines prior to this one make no sense for a reason. I beg your forgiveness.

I am so besides myself I don't know what to say or even what to want anymore. I prepared myself for this moment, but it is similar to preparing for the loss of a loved one. You can say everything that you want, do all the last things that you wanted to do, and swear to everyone that you are ready, you got this, you have a contingency and then shit happens and


That is where I am.

You get me, that's why I love you.


(I did not get to edit this blog, nor will I, untitled=unconcerned)

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Quote to Know or at least I think so...

"When someone sees the same people every day, they wind up becoming part of that person's life. And then they want the person to change. If someone isn't what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.

I don't like to blog on my touch. I just came across this quote online and had to share
This blog is unofficial but that quote up there is the truth. We will discuss as soon as I get to a pc.

You get me, that's why I love you.


Friday, April 8, 2011

WTH...It's April

What the hell?

Dear Friends:

If you are reading this, than I have blogged. LOL! The WTH above is because I started this blog, went to look up the correct spelling of a word and then when I back keyed, my blog was gone. Yeah. So, WTH! In case you are wondering the correct spelling is conscientious.

If I had to lose everything, let's make it worthwhile.

Oh Dear Readers. So much is going on. How about a short list, let's say...ten? I do the occasional list because I know Dear Readers who work well with lists. You all that don't appreciate lists, I will try to ease up for the next two blogs.

Top Ten Things Going On In No Specific Order:

1. My first year of teaching is almost over.
2. I am doing terrible in grad school.
3. I've lost 30+ pounds since November 20 (I remember because it was the week of Thanksgiving, or as I like to call it, The Thanksgiving That Never Happened)
4. Both WondaKids are heading to different schools, one middle and one high.
5. Ferris The Skirt Eating Dog is Gone.
6. I am reinventing myself, at least that is my excuse for erratic behavior.
7. I went scrap booking and I just may like it.
8. I need a change, see #6.
9. I am thinking way too hard to fill in this one, and that's not what blogging (at least for me) is about so freak this and #10.

Sometimes, Dear Readers, I wish you and I could just go out. I don't know, maybe to karaoke. I mean, the majority of you, at the very least, those of you so bold to announce your allegiance by being my followers, I know all of you.

Are there any others? Is today the first time you are reading? I gave my blog address to a few newbies. Are you here newbies? Do you like what you see?

One of the newbies, or maybe two are scrapbookers. You ladies are really on to something with that scrap booking. It is so much fun. I will be totally honest, I was not eager to start but once I did...Well well well. I was not excited about my elbow being glued to my pjs, but there is something so relaxing about it.

And I tell you, I really need to relax. Lately, I've been more erratic than ever. I have more going on that I care to talk about but I can tell you..O....M....G...!

If we could talk one on one, Dear Readers, I'd be a little more forthcoming. I know that some of you tend to worry about me, so I will tell you that there is nothing wrong with me.

It depends on what your definition of wrong is. I bet I meet it. Ah well.

Anyhow enough about me. How are you? How have you been? Any plans for spring break? Wait, was that insensitive? Do you have spring break? Teachers and students, say heeeeeeey~~!!

Well I am not going anywhere. I have shit to do for work and school and I don't know what I will get to. I have to do my school work and I don't feel like it in the least. I am really procrastinating and really not doing what I should be doing. I am not learning jack from grad school and I am starting to think that its just like the Fellowship, a whole lot of endurance.

This summer I should throw all of my Dear Readers a bbq. I learned how to bbq many summers ago. Good things happen at bbqs. You just can't go wrong with grills, meat and bbq sauce. You would be hard pressed to find a better place for good things to happen, maybe a field.

Alas!!! Enough, wax on, wax off Lolalicious.

Hey if you play Words with Friends on your Ipod. Look me up. I am not uber good, but I don't suck either. No homo.

My Words With Friends user name is Lolalicious.

I'd be so happy to see you.

You get me, that's why I love you.


Saturday, February 5, 2011

At a friends party.....

I am under the a friend's birthday party...she is thirty something...I know what 30...I am just under the influence.

So I have lost weight and a few other things.

Your Lola has been through changes, you just don't know. Thank God I can censor myself. I spelled that with a s,,,,oh boy.

I will be back with things of worth soon...sorry to Facebook, you mean so much more than that.

You get me, that's why I love you.


Thursday, January 6, 2011

Flies and Design

Hello Dear Readers and Happy New Year,

So...I am here at GreenFab. GreenFab is one of the work sites where my students intern on Mondays and Thursdays. I am a little unclear about what they do here, though I know its all about sustainable living.

Sustainable living is what I am doing, actually. I have so much to do, so much going on that it takes everything for me to survive.

sus·tain·a·ble (s-stn-bl)
1. Capable of being sustained.
2. Capable of being continued with minimal long-term effect on the environment:

I like to say that I am practicing sustainable survival.

sur·viv·al (sr-vvl)
a. The act or process of surviving.
b. The fact of having survived.
2. Something, such as an ancient custom or belief, that has survived.

I do not think that you need definitions, but now that I am a teacher...I'm so extra.

I make myself tired. I am capable of surviving continually with minimal long-term effect on myself. Now that I read that back, I'm concerned. Hmmm..and the feeling has passed.

You must wonder what I mean by the flies. Or maybe not, well I'm going to tell you. There are loads of little pesky flies here. I don't know where there come from, though I think that the most likely source is the combination of that water bottle finagled garden in the next room. It's amazing, how Poland Spring bottles and tubing can sustain a garden and its beautiful...but I think that's where the little flies are coming from. Another more obvious source...the teens. Teens have trouble getting rid of their garbage. I walked in this morning to a mysterious plastic bag on the desk. Said plastic bag is still there. Its shape hint toward a greasy paper plate that housed a pizza. I'm only guessing pizza because its not a McDonald's bag or a Thank You Come Again deli plastic bag. Most teens and I can say this with certainty, live off of greasy pizza, McDonald's and Chinese.

It is what it is. Today they didn't even blink when I whipped out my Laughing Cow Cheese spread and Ritz Crackers. They used to crack up. OMG!!!! What are you eating!!?? I swear, my eating habits were fodder for conversation from September to at the very least yesterday, when I dined on sardines and graham crackers. The graham crackers were leftovers from my breakfast. I DID NOT plan to eat the crackers with my sardines and there was no touching of the two.

Don't judge me.

I'm here today because they were short teachers, but apparently, that deficit has changed as there are four teachers here, and I'm not even counting myself. There are about thirteen teens. I don't need to be here and in fact I'm not doing anything, as you can see. I am about to fabricate a few tests for tomorrow. Yaaayyyy tests!!! Let's, ELA and maybe even math...bwaaa haaa haaaa.

Ok..I felt guilty for just sitting here, so I took a quick walk around the groups. Aw...I care.


Did I tell you all about my dog? He ate my Gap skirt, but I returned it. There is so much more to the story. The deal is, I adopted a puppy for Christmas. I love animals and I love nurturing. I saved this puppy from a bad place. He has the NERVE to eat my skirt. The other day, I found him on my bed with my skirt in his mouth. Wow. For someone just peeking at this blog, that could be quite the sentence. Anyhow, I was furious, as this was on New Year's Eve. It would have been just as annoying any other night, but still. I was all dressed up and on my way out and I find that Ferris had a mouthful of my gorgeous skirt.

I called and texted few people to complain, because that is what I do. The consensus was to return it to the Gap and exchange it. I was nervous. All I needed was for the cashier to say, OMG, DID A MINI COLLIE DINGO PUPPY EAT YOUR SKIRT? She didn't. Whew...but she did call another cashier over to look at it. The conversation was more like, OMG, DID YOU SEE THIS SKIRT? WHOAAAA! I didn't have much hope in finding the skirt again, since it was on the sale rack, but YEEEEESSSS I found it! It is still in the bag, hanging from one of the many hooks in my closet.

I learned a valuable lesson that night. A puppy will eat ANYTHING. I was under the impression that he would only eat chewy things and/or things that taste like chicken. I did not think he would develop a taste for a soft blue with red squares skirt. I know that I'm naive.

These flies are super annoying. The teens are almost as annoying, which is why I am squirreled away at the end of the table. Every now and then, I glare at them. It is too funny how that gets them in check. What's funnier is that I am typing pretty fast and "funny" started out as "cunny". Whoa...did you see this skirt??

Teens love to use profanity. They are so predictable. I can't even use words like predictable because it sounds to much like dick. No homo.

Oh My Cheezus. Alas, I must work...on my other blog and then on classwork, tests, and etc.

You get me. That's why I love you.