Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The End

Dear Readers:

The end of a love affair hurts so much. Perhaps I should not be writing this, but at this point, why censor?

Love feels so good when it is good, but the minute it goes bad, you (or at least I)feel like you are watching deleted scenes from a movie. I want to say that I have no regrets, but sometimes I wonder if present feelings are worth the past or is it the other way around?

Readers, there is no way that I can be up with anything right now. I apologize to you because I have been inattentive. I know that I am always apologizing for that. My heart has been heavy lately. I swear I try to go on, but....

By no means are you to think that I am in danger of hurting myself. All the hurt that I am feeling was coming, whether by someone else or by my own hand. I did not take care of my heart or the heart of my loved one and here is where we stand.

In fact, we stand apart. The only thing joining us at this point is pain. Funny, pain is what bought us together. The saying is, "how you get them, is how you lose them". I guess that is true.

Readers, I have been holding back on my blog because you deserve better than this. I have been trying to be optimistic and it is not working. I spend all my time either manically giggling or hysterically crying. How would you feel? How would you communicate?

I either want to cut myself off from the world or uber engage myself, just to prevent being alone. This upcoming weekend I will be alone to face my demons, all of them.

I don't know what that means, I don't know what to expect. I will be working on my own and have decided not to call anyone. Readers, my "real time friends" have been so supportive, I think, rather I know, that everyone needs a break from me.

Shit, I need a break from me.

I am back on Facebook. I left FB because it gave me a false sense of security. I didn't think that I was missing anything because I was always there. All of my friends, new and old, in one place.....one stop shopping. Unfortunately, I've had to face my loneliness, as that will be the only way to combat it.

I decided that FB is not the culprit.

Lesson One in Self:
1. Don't Lay Blame.

I have to take responsibility for myself. I can no longer push everything on others. See, the problem is, when I push my problems on others they do one of two things:
1. Ignore them. This angers me because WTF??
2. Offer advice. This angers me because WTF??

If I am getting the same results, why bother? I understand that it will be more work for me, handling my own shit, but maybe that is what I need.

Dear Readers, I am blogging at work, so that is why I am all over the place. Honestly, there is no one place where I could be at peace with myself right now.

Lesson Two in Self:
2. Love Yourself.

I know you have heard that before. Yada yada yada...it is so true! It is really hard to put yourself before others, but it is very important. You know what is annoying about the important stuff? They are the hardest to accomplish. I think so. I keep forgetting to love myself first and sometimes I think I am doing a great job and then...nope....I suck at it.

The thing is, sometimes when you love yourself, people think that you are being selfish. Yet, I've been told to be selfish. The very people who tell you to be selfish, will be the first to accuse you of such behavior when THEY feel shorted.

Funny stuff?

Yeah man.

Ok. I don't know what I've accomplished, but perhaps after reading this again, I will find some pearl of something or another.

Right now, I have to get back to work.


You get me, that's why I love you (still).


Tuesday, May 17, 2011


Dear Readers:

Sorry for the spazzed title. I keep rewriting the title of this blog. Typically I write the blog first, then title it, but nothing is typical lately. I hardly know where to start, so I guess that is going to be the mood of this blog, untitled.

I am happy that you are here. I really am. Thank you. The school year is ending so my first official year of teaching is coming to an end. My classes are coming to an end for the time being.

I am a teacher, so I can grade. If I were to grade my teaching performance I'd give myself a C-. Trust me, Dear Readers, I am doing myself a favor. I am being very kind. I don't really think that I taught as much as kept myself from drowning. Really, it was, it is, a mess. I love my students, really love them, because they put up with some much lolafoolery. I kind of feel sorry for them, since this year was a wash, but I will pay in the end. I have so much ish to do with them for the next two years. OMG...I will more than have my foot in my ass, I will be supporting damn near my whole leg...yes, in my ass. So a C- it is.

As far a grad school

Big F! F- if possible. I have never had such dismal academic performance. I was late, absent and disengaged. I was every teacher's nightmare. I didn't complete my homework on time, if at all. I barely said a peep during class, rather I played with my cell phone. I was sullen. All of my assignments were half assed and late. I don't know what my grades will look like, but I am firm believer in preparing for the worst, so yeah....


I didn't even rent, much less buy the textbooks. Lol. I will feel it, I am sure. There is the other leg up my ass.

I must take this time to congradulate myself on being professional, as professional as I can be, as I really don't feel like blogging about this, but I promised you a blog, Dear Readers, and I won't let you down.

Though....I learned something about myself tonight. I have let people down in my life with my bohemian ways. I need to find a balance and I can't or I won't. So what does that say about me? I have always boasted about loving hard, I bet if you go through my blogs you will find that I say the frequently. You know what? Maybe I am a liar. I am, actually, another lesson. My grandmother (whom I miss terribly, 9/20/04) always would tell me that it is ok for a little white lie, with two major reasons: to not hurt someone and to not hurt yourself. To not hurt someone is quite explanatory, why hurt people when a little white lie could prevent it? As far as hurting yourself, Grandma had us all convinced that something would happen to us if we didn't lie...usually rape or some other terrible crime. What?? Whaaaaaat?? Please allow me to explaing. Here is the scenario that she was fond of:

Stranger: Well Hello Good Looking
Me: Oh Hello
Stranger: So are you here by yourself/walking alone/waiting for someone/work here (etc, that part was variable)
Me: Haha, actually I am waiting for my father/boyfriend/husband/brother, the Chief of Police/CIA/FBI/Fireman to pick me up.

Get it?

She meant well.

I have told my share of lies in my life. Shit, a portion of them were to the very person that advised me to do so. I love her. I love you, Katherine Mendez, we are bulls, like you.

Maybe I told too many, maybe I made mistakes, but I never, NEVER told them in the wrong spirit. I've never told them to hurt anyone, I've never told them for my own gain, except of course to protect myself from The Killer. I wish I could take some if not all of my lies back. At this point, I wonder what difference that would make.

I guess it wouldn't hurt the very people that I hoped to protect.

So here I am, all reflective and whatnot and where does it leave me? Nowhere. Same place, different time. You would think that this blog would get me somewhere, but again it is untitled, so go figure.

Dear Readers, now is another great time for Dear Reader Feedback. I wish you could all advise me, but there are somethings preventing you. The obvious, you are not here in real time with me as I write and the other....I have not really told you what I need help on.

Ah another fine trait. I don't have too much issue with what I want, more so the how to get it, keep it, maintain it.

Those two lines prior to this one make no sense for a reason. I beg your forgiveness.

I am so besides myself I don't know what to say or even what to want anymore. I prepared myself for this moment, but it is similar to preparing for the loss of a loved one. You can say everything that you want, do all the last things that you wanted to do, and swear to everyone that you are ready, you got this, you have a contingency and then shit happens and


That is where I am.

You get me, that's why I love you.


(I did not get to edit this blog, nor will I, untitled=unconcerned)