Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Post is too Short for A detailed Title....

I'm here.
I've been uber busy..Ninth Tuesday is in my head, I will get it to you soon.

You get yadda yadda love you.


Thursday, April 23, 2009

Jack, Chrissy & Janet: We Hardly Knew Ya!

Dear Readers:

Despite it being Thursday, I feel that I must blog today. I can't wait until Thursday to divulge this information to you. Sigh. My kids have hamsters. We are a pet-loving household, but said household is an apartment so we can't go all out and get dogs and cats (Long Live Luna), or birds-hmph. Over the years we've had various pets, mostly cats (Long Live Luna). We've had fish, birds, dogs, a snail...the fish were never really named or if they were I forgot...the birds were Chicken and Noodle, the one dog was Jackson and the snail was Sally Sushi. The cats (LLL) other then the fabulous Luna Letigre, were Frodo, Noche and Martini.

The kids were pet thirsty after Luna Letigre, so after much deliberation they got two hamsters...who died almost immediately. They were replaced by two others, Spring and Summer. Spring and Summer lived happily for some time until roundabouts December, we came home from a family trip and realized that Spring, was actually Mr. Spring and had the nerve to impregnate Summer! Well, the hamsters of the hay lived happily until I felt I was going nuts (with Summer & Mr. Spring, there were 12!!) Mr. Spring was a very lazy Hamster Daddy, and slept while poor Summer dealt with all the hammies. Fast forward to me finding the fuzzy remains of Mr. Spring one day. The ME report revealed that Mr. Spring was assaulted and MURDERED by the hamsters of the hay. At this point, I had to step in, the only answer was to take Summer and her murderous hammies back to the shop. The kids were supposed to pick two new hammies to continue the legacy, but of course I was bamboozled and we ended up keeping three-Jack, Chrissy and Janet. Guess who named them?

Anyhow I bookmarked a site about hamsters and was just reading through it and I learned that hamsters live 1-2 years. Do you know why? Readers, this is very important for those of you who think hamsters are "easy" I present you with the

Wet Tail
Bladder Stones
Rectal Prolapse / Prolapsed Rectum
Skin Mites
Ear Mites / Ear Mange
Cancers / Tumours!!
Protein Deficiency - Loss of Nails
Overgrown Teeth
Sticky Eyes / Conjunctivitis
Greasy Fur
Fur Problems
Skin Problems
Cuts / Bruises

Is there any SURPRISE that they don't live beyond two years!!?? Am I the only person who thought that a hamsters' lifespan was simply based on them escaping and being jumped into a neighborhood rat gang, never to be seen again? Am I the only person who thought that when you found Buffy rock hard in the morning, that she simply croaked and now was your chance to campaign for a "real" pet like a dog or cat that can be played with and lives forever??

Readers, this is information you need to share. I am charging you with the responsibility to tell everyone you come in contact with. Don't believe the hype. A hamster can cause you so much pain and heartache.

You have not asked, but I know you must being dying to ask....Lola, how does one tell if a Hamster has suffered a stroke? Dear Readers, since hamsters are nocturnal they are more liable to catch a stroke at night while fooling around on that damned wheel. The next morning, the Hamster will have a head tilt.

Don't look at me like that.

You read right, a head tilt. If you can picture in your head...ok, lean your head to the right while maintaining direct eye contact with your screen. Now holding your head tilt, get up and walk over to someone and hold a conversation like nothing is going on.

Yep. You get the idea.

You get me. That's why I love you.


Yes, Virginia, when a Hamster has a cold, he sneezes.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Eighth Tuesday

Dear Readers...uh yeah.  Since my vacation blog was hella late...I think I wrote it when (?) yesterday?  There is not much to talk about today.  I just finished baking some muffins...but if you are on Facebook, you already know that.  Ok.  I think I've nothing left.  This is why I can't blog late.  Tomorrow I am going to a birthday party at the happy hour-that might go well for a blog.  

I just remembered that I promised to let you in on my reading list.  I finished Jokes My Father Never Taught Me, by Rain Pryor...decent, kind of typical for that type of story, but geez-Richard Pryor as a dad is not a joke.  Right now I am reading The Dirt on Clean: An Unsanitized Clean, by Katherine Ashenburg.  Its exactly what it sounds like, the history of clean, I'm up to public bathing in the 1600's.  The other books I have to get through are The Omnivore's Dilemma and In Defense of Food, both by Michael Pollen, Medical Apartheid by Harriet Washington, Better for All the World by Harry Bruinius and Everything is Illuminated and Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, both by Jonathan Safran Foer.

Readers, this dazzling account of my stellar reading list has tired me..that and the fact that its nearly midnight.  I'm going to turn off my spanking new Ikea lamp-purchased specifically for my library obsession.

You get me.  That's why I love you.


omg I just remembered...Thursday is Talk Like Shakespeare Day in honor of the 445th birthday of W.S.

I am so taking part...if you need assistance go to or just do like I'm going to do and add a "eth" to verbs...I walketh...I talketh..I shiteth....

You geteth me.  That's whyeth I loveth you.   Are "why" and "get" verbs?  I don't think so.  Stay tuned for the scintillating answer on Ninth Tuesday!!!!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Vacation Tuesday

Good Morning Readers. I am not going to insult your intelligence and pretend that this blog is being done on a Tuesday. The reason it is called Vacation Tuesday is because it should be Seventh Tuesday, but I was off of work and therefore did not feel the need to burn work minutes blogging. If you are me, you get it. Anyway I learned a great deal over my one week + two days off of work. I barely know where to start.

Something Great that I did at the Gym last week was actually show up. I went not once but twice! My goal was to go everyday of vacation, clearly in my world the week commences on Wednesday, because that is when I finally went. I slathered on my Cleopatria blubber blaster cream, and my blue belt and worked out, hard. Do you know what I learned? One of the most important things while working out-perhaps a mystery to me-is the appropriate underwear. As much as I hate the uniboob of the sports bra, I already know to wear that. What I'm about to tell you is a little more intimate. While I was working out (hard) on the No Joke, my intimate lower apparels started to really work my nerve. You see, Dear Readers, I was wearing a formerly great pair of panties. Super cute, boy short with red flowers. You may not need to know that, but we don't have too many secrets, do we? Anyway, these particular pantelones were purchased at Vicky's some time ago, and have since gone from "special" to "that-time-o-the-month. The only reason I wore them was because I was not going to waste a perfectly good pair of bloomers to work out. Well. We are all adults here, and we all should know that in order for panties to be downgraded to "that-time-o-the-month" wear is when they just get out of shape, the elastic is so yesterday and such. Dear Readers, I challenge you to work up a sweat in out of shape drawers. You know what? I love you too much! Don't do it. LEARN FROM ME. I didn't know what was more urgent, pulling out the wedgie or working out the sumo wrestler bleep toe. I refuse, you won't make me say it. Needless to say, those particular panties may never see the light of day again-Lord knows it took the jaws of life to dislodge them from my derriere.

Despite all of that, after the gym I felt inspired to be even healthier. I took a field trip to the Natural Foods on Pelham Pkwy. It was my first time there, it felt like the first time at Whole Foods. There was so much to see! Whooo weeee...I did not want to spend so much cash there, but by the time I walked from aisle to aisle and ran into a holistic doctor (who moonlights there, as a community service) my basket was loaded with flaxseed, kefir, nori, miso, gentle iron pills, and a food based multivitamin for women (that's me, I'm every woman!). The next day I returned to the gym, but not before stopping at Modells. I bought new weights, since my little one pounders at home made me the laughing stock of my own devices and a big plastic sweat suit. Its called a solar suit and that ish is hot, hot, hot. I've seen folk at the gym wear just the shirt, but far be it for me to miss the opportunity to march up to my adversary, the No Joke in anything less than plastic pants with a matching plastic top. Since I suffer from severe body distortion, I bought the XL suit.

Dear Reader, I need to learn how to post pictures. I wish you could have seen me in my black and red plastic suit. The crotch ended at about kneecap level. The top ended late thigh. All methods of escape are fortified with gathered stretchy ends. I was not sure what to wear under the suit, so I stuck to well fitting panties, uniboober and tshirt. Of course I slathered on the Cleopartia. What the hell was I thinking? By the time our heroine got to the damned No Joke, I was sweating. Well I worked out. The sweat was dripping off my fingers, but I worked out. I did not realize how drenched I was until upon unplasticing in the locker room, I saw that I had my own pond. Alas, the work out felt great, sweaty but great.

Meanwhile in real time, today at work, I have packed my plasticwear, Cleopatria and blue suckem' belt.

You may roll your eyes, but I feel proud. I'm tired of paying the Bally's so that they can fund more plasma tvs for novellas and sports.

There is so much more that we can talk about today, but I'm seeing now why it does not pay to blog late. I missed you. I just did not feel like using my laptop at all. I don't know, it smells of work. ick.

Other great moments in Lolaville....I had a wonderful week with my great kids and my luscious partner, Lovely. Oh that reminds me, speaking of gym and nutrition, the Most Delicious Food I Tried This Vacation was fried macaroni and cheese balls! Spare me the raised eyebrows and wrinkled forehead....they were delicious. Yes I am aware that the pasta used was not wheat, the cheese was not lite, and nothing fried is right, but damn it, if these were wrong than I don't want to be right. MMmmmmm thank you Cheesecake Factory, you made my eyes water. The entire meal down to dessert that is still in my Lovely's fridge was awesomtastic.

Oh my song is on.....and its 8:13am. I should get to work. Bore, bore, queasy...I also went to the library this vacation, maybe this Tuesday, Eighth Tuesday, we can chat about my reading list. Oh hell, I nearly forgot something else I tried....two things actually...same day. If flan was beat down by bread pudding and left at the side of the curb for dead, you would create this pureed bean dessert that I had with my Lovely's workwife J. B. I protect the innocent and the guilty with this blog. Anyway....I don't know what it was called, but that's the description we came up with. That same day, I had bibimbop. I hope I spelled it right, its bibimbop or bibambop....saladesque veggies with cold beef shreds topped with a fried egg, hot pepper sauce and mixed all together with brown rice. That's all I'm saying. It was new and yummy and will be revisited.

You get me, that's why I love you.


Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Sixth Tuesday

Readers, I think I am becoming an asshole.  Wait, give me a second to's a hard thought for me to wrap my mind and soul around but quite possibly something is going rotten in Denmark and its not cool.  Do you ever notice that the things that used to make you take a second look suddenly make you roll your eyes and suck your teeth?  

I used to (or still am) be a bleeding heart. Man, my heart bled for everybody.  I managed to care about everyone and everything.  Ironically enough, I always bragged about not caring what others thought of me, but perhaps in reality I was overly concerned what people thought and therefore manifested this persona that cares about everyone and everything.  Reader, don't judge me, this is my forum, I can ramble as much as I want.  

Alright, you need more, I know you well.  I will give you today's scenario.  Today on the bus, after nearly being mangled by middle-schoolers I was able to get a seat.  I rearranged all my ish because a sister like me is hardly ready or organized for anything.  Getting comfy meant shifting my hips, moving my bag, digging my ipod for the earbuds so that I can listen to Wendy Williams, putting my umbrella under my seat, becoming overly concerned that someone will steal it-and hooking it on the seat in front of me, causing it to tangle up in my freed yet caught earbuds..I can go on but I will spare you.  

Anyhow after this big event, here boards a woman carrying a baby, a stroller and two little ones trailing behind.   Readers, I really wanted to give her my seat, but even more than that I wanted someone else to give up their seat.  I wanted one of those loud ass middle-schoolers to give up their seat.  Anyway....I really tried not to make eye contact with her or her stylishly dressed snot nosed kiddies.  I told you I'm becoming an asshole.  

Sidebar: I knew something was up a long time ago-I used to think all babies and kids were adorable until I had my own, now I actually look at other kids with a screwface...I can honestly (to myself of course) admit that some kids are actually not adorable.  Someone offered the woman a seat and she gave it to the two little ones to split.  Ok...major asshole spoiler.  She gave up her chance for a seat.  There is no reason why 1 & 2 could not have stood and let Mama & 3 have the seat.  I'm serious.  I don't know what circumstances caused her to have three kids-two damn near the same age.  I don't see why she should be given two seats for her family-she only paid for one.  

This whole ordeal made me think of Parents on the Bus and now I have set standards to follow.  I'm not one to follow standards, really, but they can be entertaining to come up with.  Here we go:

Pregnant woman........if she is noticeably pregnant and not just overweight, I will definitely give my seat.  Hell I will go out of my way to get her attention and give her the seat.  I remember those days.

Pregnant woman carrying a child......once again, noticeably pregnant counts for something, however, how in the hell are you pregnant and carrying one?  Did you not learn the first time?  Ok, she can have my seat, but only if she catches my eye...if I can ignore her I will.

Pregnant woman carrying a child with one + kids trailing her....hell no ma'am, keep it moving. No one told you to populate the US with your kids.  You won't be getting my seat today.  What are you doing out at this hour of the day with all those kids in the first place?  What job do you hold, what paying job entitles you to prance around with your kids...all wearing better clothes than me?  Hell to the naw.  Save money and get some exercise....hit the streets and walk your parade like a parade should walk.  

I'm sorry I kept using a pregnant woman as an example, the same goes for the "not" pregnant.  These rules apply to men too, don't think that I will be impressed because you are with your children on the bus.  You are no more special than the mother struggling to keep her kids all lined up in a roll, like ducks.  I've been on the bus in the morning more than a few times with a dad and his baby...the woman passengers on the bus--their eyes shine with unshed tears when they see him.  What's the big deal?  How sexist for you to think that because he is a man with a baby, that means he is in the minority and for that reason coo-able like a rare breed of schnauzer?  

The handicapped always get my seat, same for the elderly.  I feel like a seat actually helps them and the other passengers on the bus.  Somebody in the opinion area of the Daily News wrote in something really jacked up about wheelchair passengers.   While I can admit that I have never secretly applauded in the morning when a wheelchair passenger rolled onto the bus, I know well enough to sympathize their plight, while still respecting that they have a right to a ride just like the rest of us.

Readers, this may be my worst blog ever.  I'm sleepy and its late and I have to get to sleep.  I promise something upbeat and grrrrrrfree next week.  Tomorrow is my last day before Spring Break and I am uber excited to have time away from the office.  I will be back on my game next week.  I promise!!

You get me, that's why I love you.


Wednesday, April 1, 2009

First Wednesday 4/1/09

Alright, alright...

I'm late and I have a perfectly good excuse. Are you, Dear Reader, even remotely interested in my excuse? You should be. Do you have any idea what size of a calamity would have to occur for me to actually miss a Tuesday? I have a few excuses that we could use, and none of them have to do with a little friend, Mr. Cuevo.

Look, yesterday, I arrived at work on time, with smile on my face...since the night before was spent with My Lovely...I was all ready to blog away. For once I did not have anything to really say, I mean, overall every little thing has been just moving on, moving on. It's 2:57pm on a Wednesday, the kids in the hall are hella loud, and I want to go home already, but as a responsible blogger in America...are you getting the idea that I don't have much for you today either? I'm sorry.

Truth of the matter is, yesterday I found out that my son (yes, there are offspring) was unable to go to school because he could not walk. Now, we being well away from any possibility of polio this day and age, should make you wonder....on some MommyDay, he mentioned that his foot hurt. I'm not one of the fantabuloustic Mommies who carry Ace bandages and juice boxes, my response was, "go to bed, it will be fine tomorrow". Next day he went to school and upon the evening told me that his foot was swollen. Onst again...but with a little love"take an aspirin, go to bed, it will be fine tomorrow...".

Yesterday I left work early to take Lil' Swell Foot to the pediatrician, who was not there....who's colleague sent us to the ER (every parent knows that's where the real sickies hang)...where Lil' Swell Foot was checked out by a teenage doctor, xrayed, and released with crutches and a boot. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that he was more than excited with the crutches and boot.

For those Mommies who carry the Ace bandage and juice box, Lil' Swell Foot is ok..there is no fracture, chip, sprain or anything of note. Apparently he purposely cracked his little brittle toe-knuckles (?), a routine crack, but managed to jack his whole foot.

I'm pleased to let you know that Lil' Swell Foot was even able to hobble his way to school today.

So that is my actual excuse. There was no way I was carrying my laptop to any grimy ER, to only find that there is not a internet connection ripe for the stealing. It would have only teased me. Since I did not carry my loyal laptop, I had no method of blogging at home, not like I really had the energy for it at that point anyway which leads me to my next excuse of WHY I DID NOT HAVE THE ENERGY...I used what little energy left to go to the salon and get my hair did.

For those of you who know me in real time**spoiler alert**I have really curly hair. I wear it all over the place or tightly wound in a bun. Every now and then I want to check its health and whatnot and I go to the salon for the classic wash, cut, roll and dry. Yesterday was that day.

It was late so I did not expect to find anyone willing to take on the challenge. Since I am not a regular at any salon, I just can't make a call and expect anyone to wait for me. The first place Lil Swell and I stopped in...the lady took one look at my colossal bun and pleaded with me to come back tomorrow. The next lady in the salon across the street was up for it and went to work. You ought to know that she was wearing a hella tight black shirt with a leopard bra. Her girls were uptohere!! and Lil' Swell and I appreciated the attention.

All in all Leopard Lady did a great job with my hair. She didn't speak the language, which was fine, because I was caught between finishing my book (Your Heart Belongs To Me, D. Koontz) and stealing glances at the uptoheres.

Thank you for reading...until next time...

You get me, that's why I love you...


Special blogout the Peds ER at guys rock...our visit was practically a field trip! Leopard Lady...see you next time..have you thought about a red shirt with a zebra bra??