Jill Scott SAID that I'm Still Here

Dear Readers:

Here are the lyrics to a Jill Scott song that is in my head. Do you feel the power in her words?

She cleanses me. I will go to extremes to be blessed by her presence. She is my rock. All others, can kick rocks.


I am a boisterous river
I am a mountains story
I am a quiet feeling
I am a fragrant flower
I am a moonlit evening
I am a peaceful night
I am a writers thinking
I am a wealth unfathomed

And if you don't recognize my presence, I am here
And if you don't recognize me, I am here

I am a source of power
I am excited journey
I am the rock of patience
I am a whisper singing
I am unbridled freedom
I am the thought from thinking
I am a love unshattered
I am the great orgasm

And if you don't recognize my presence, I am here
And if you don't recognize my presence, I am here

And even if you don't recognize me, I'm still here
And even if you don't recognize me

And even if you don't recognize me, I'm still here
And even if you don't recognize me, I am, oh, I'm still here

Even if you don't recognize me, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here

[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/jill_scott/still_here_hidden_track.html ]


I am still here.

You get me, that's why I love you.

Lola (still here)

Cool Slick and Coming Soon

Dear Readers,

This is not a full blog. It can't be. It can't be because there is so much going on. I have to protect myself as I have to protect you. Dear Readers, currently there is so much pain and anger pulsing through my veins and into my heart. I am writing to you for strength. I am writing to you for understanding. I am not the person that you think that I am, I make mistakes...actually lots of them. I am in a place now that I never thought I'd be at again and it hurts like hell.

I think that with maturity, I should be able to handle more each time, but you know, you let your guard down and then you get stung. So this can't be our regular time together. Right now I am reaching out because the most comforting thing that I have right now are these keys. It feels so good to type, to have some normalcy to my crazy life. I won't divulge what is going on, because what I am not going to do is lay blame on anyone specifically. Rather then blog about what is happening, I rather just blog to blog. I am trying to work through this and it seems that the only way to do that is keep busy. The one who plots against me, the one who orchestrated this whole nightmare, I played myself by playing into the plan. I do feel stupid but then I think of the things that I have going for me. I had a FB conversation today about insecurities and haters and etc. Here is something new and unusual....FOR YOU TODAY! LET'S HAVE A LITTLE FUN..I am going to dash over to FB and copy the convo here, while of course protecting the identity of the FBer.

Mystery FBer: Insecurities is an ugly thing. It makes you hate on people you know and don't know. I hear the sea of forgetfulness is calling..#Get.over.it

Lola: It is not that cut and dry, Mystery FBer.

Mystery FBer: I believe so but everyone is different. I have major insecurities but I will not ever treat someone different or hate on them because they look better or weigh less than me. Im saying get over the hate, not human being emotions like being insecure.

Lola: I never hate anyone for what they have. I just feel like under the right circumstances someone can get under your skin. Instead of your feelings looking rational, your suffering may instead manifest as insecurities. Insecure people equal haters. I think the real hating is when you aim to take what does not belong to you.

Mystery FBer: I agree.

Lola: Worst yet, I think the hate is contagious. We call those people jaded. It can be a victimful cycle. Even the sweetest person can fall victim if their cries for understanding go unanswered.

Mystery FBer: My point of this posting is I have been treated differently by ppl because of their insecurities. Being rude to me, etc..Everyone shines in their own time, so hating should not be a factor publicly. If you hating, do it in your own secret closet.

Mystery FBer: It depends how it is done and some people have been victims and those are special cases. However, there are ppl who are rude, spiteful, and don't care about your journey. All they see is the destination.

Lola: Oh I know someone just like that.

Lola: I think that comes with failure. Once they eff up their own journey, they want to trample all over yours. Alas, you can either back down like a spineless victim or you can stand taller, plant your feet on the ground and keep it moving.

Mystery FBer: Yup, very true.

Thank you Mystery FBer for your contribution to my blog. So Dear Readers, here is the climax of it all. Do you want to know how I am playing into the plan? I end up looking like a crazed psycho nutbag when there is nothing I can do at this point. So I have been thinking...

I can either play crazed psycho nutbag and fulfill the prophecy or I can just sit back and wait in the cut until I have a foothold in this all. I have weeks to do me, whatever I want to do and I can. I have many things going for me. Let me for a moment sing the praises of Lola...Church: Chime in When Necessary or if the Spirit Moves you...

I am intelligent

Happy Is Lola
I am beautiful

Happy Is Lola

I have an amazing little WondaFamily

Happy Is Lola

I have a pretty awesome sense of humor

Happy Is Lola

I love my friends and they love me back

Happy Is Lola

I am doing what I love the most, blog

Happy Is Lola

I am single, sexy and free

Happy Is Lola

I can go on, but I did say that this can't be a long one. No Homo. Wow, Dear Readers, you really do make me feel better. I have been spending a lot of time thinking things through. I have a nice long list of things to do to get through this period, successfully. I have been here before and all I got out of it were hangovers and a gut.

I worked too hard to get rid of my gut and I am not spending my good cash on drinking. Lord knows I can just sit at the end of any bar and have my drinks bought for me. Oh Yeah...you didn't know....shooooooot shut your mouth!

But..

That is not how I want to spend my time. This time is for me to get myself even more together. I am sure that there is a higher plan and if this is it then I work through it. The fight is far from ending..and anything worth having is worth fighting for.

However, to fight now would be a waste of energy. I am not going to paint myself into a corner, though that is the reason I have never single handily painted this apartment, as I would do so...and I tangent...thank you Dear Readers for this distraction.

Thank you for wanting the best for me.

Special shout out to you, for by the time you get to read this with everything else going on in your life, you are still very much aware of my feelings. Please be aware that I am not shutting you out, rather protecting myself and my sanity for OUR future. If our roles in each others lives has been completed then in time we will both know that. The knowledge will hurt but not as much as the uncertainty does. You are now and always will be in my heart. I may say and do things that combat this statement, but yes, I love you.

Dear Readers, I want to thank you for putting up with me. Really I am a great person, but as my conversation with Mystery FBer shows, I could just give in, notice my last comment "Alas, you can either back down like a spineless victim or you can stand taller, plant your feet on the ground and keep it moving."

I am standing tall.

Everyone here gets an honorable mention...anyone who throws me shade in their effort to be in the sun...there is enough sun for everyone. At the end of the day, despite my upset, it is all good. I feel for you and your pain, because it can only be your own insecurities that would make you do such things to someone (eh hem) who did nothing to you. You feel as if you are living your life, traveling your journey, but the journey spent trampling on the backs of others, is absolutely never OK. I wish you insight.

Dear Readers, I am off to tan. It is a wonderful day to be me and I'm doing me.


You get me, that's why I love you

Lola (still here)

"Believe me, we're gonna do some damage.” ~Joel Zumaya

Dear Readers,

I have to tell you that it is not typical of me to post a mere 24hrs later, but.....
after yesterday's post and today's rereading of the last four or so posts, I must thank you.

I am thanking you because I am feeling good. This feeling is only possible when I blog. I blog because of you. I don't even know for sure that you are out there, but the thought of you reading, really is the catalyst.

So thank you.

I had hoped to return to Tuesday blogging and it looks like that won't be a problem. I am trying some new things with my life. I have some new aspirations and even a few old that I want to revisit.

You must be wondering what it could possibly be now, considering I have gone through so many changes, but really...isn't life about change? I'd like to share an excerpt from a poem that I just heard about.

Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

~Mary Oliver

A little background, today we held a moving up ceremony for our 10th grade and our principal mentioned the poem and spotlighted the last two lines above. Since I am Lola, I raced upstairs to google the poem and share a bit with you.

http://www.loc.gov/poetry/180/133.html <---check it out if you like.

I feel inspired. What AM I going to do with my one wild and precious life? What have I done thus far? You know what? I am not even going to hop on the soap box to preach about what I have done thus far. Hell, I will even spare you the what I PLAN to do with my ONE WILD AND PRECIOUS LIFE.

What I will tell you is that I anticipate great things. I am so blessed and excited about my one wild and precious life.

I can't believe it took me this long to understand the ginormous possibilities ahead of me. What a terrific responsibility!

Who could miss this?

Not me. Not you. Not us.

Dear Readers, I encourage you to ask yourself the same question. I challenge you to write (or quietly consider) down at least one thing you intend to do with your one wild and precious life this evening. I have not figured it out yet, simply because there are so many awesome things I could do.

Oh! That reminds me of another quote I remember seeing somewhere....bear with me while I tip tip tip tip type my fingers over these lovely keys to my friends at Bing!.

“What would you do if you knew you could not fail?”
Robert H. Schuller

What would you do? Sometimes I do whatever the hell I want, but I am not so much thinking of what I would do if I knew I could not fail. If you read yesterday's blog you will see that I don't really think ahead. Lol! Anyway...so I am going to readjust my thinking a little bit.

Eh hem...

Instead of traveling through my life all willy nilly OR traveling through my life all content and whatnot to follow the crowd, the rules and the Esta(bullshit)ishment, I vow to do the most with my one wild and precious life, living each day without fear of failure.

How awesome is that?

Anyone who wants to join me, is welcome. New friends, old friends, I would even accept an old nemesis or two (contingent on a contract that I will write up for your trifling ass).

It feels so good to look forward to life. I nearly feel like I am being reborn but with prior knowledge.

For other great quotes, dare to visit http://en.thinkexist.com/.
You may see me there, I am always reading for inspiration, as you can see by the title of today's blog.


Dear Readers,

You get me, that's why I love you.

Lola

Now What? This is the blog that never ends....

Dear Readers:

There comes a time in every one's life where you have tried many different approaches to life's many wtfs and you come to the near damning conclusion that
clearly,
clearly,
clearly,
every damn move you have made in oh say the past 35 (spoiler) years has been a tragic misfortuned set up to your regularly scheduled program.

At this time, you can try various methods to bring yourself back to reality or push yourself further off the edge.

So further off,
further,
further,
further,
now don't look down, that when you finally, gracelessly fall clear off the damn edge, no one even knows to look for you or quite possibly
does not,
not even a bit,
give a damn that you fell off.

It is not because they don't care. Life just has so much going on that you can't possibly expect anyone in their right mind or at the very least right in your own mind to walk all the way to the edge and look over for your silly ass.

What if they fall off? Gracelessly.

It kind of makes sense then to go with option one, and that is bring yourself back to reality. Dear Readers, I have a confession to make or quite possibly a revelation, I hope you are seated in an armchair with a deep seat and high arms...

My grasp on reality is nothing to talk about.
I am not the most realistic person you will ever come across.

Surprised?

Here is the thing, and if nothing else..if you have been here for the past 70+ blogs, or you just got here or you were looking for something else and hell now you are stuck in this abyss....

Reality sucks.

Here are some facets of reality that suck, I mean all of reality sucks, but who am I to list them all?

1. Bills will always be due. Even if you pay them monthly. Even if your Uncle Herbert leaves you a grip (high school for money), you will still have to pay the following month.

2. Love is a huge waste of time. Key the smallest violin, I am quite serious. It is not your fault or maybe this leads to number 3...

3. Yes it is. EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT. The sooner you recognize this fact, the quicker you can go ahead and admit to it, apologize and then at the best part repeat the same jacked up behavior.

4. Your children or the children of your friends (if you are childless) will dick you over. They can't help it. It is in their genetic make up. The point of children is to remind you of your faults...see #3.

5. No matter how much weight you lose, you will never find the perfect pair of jeans. This is corporate America making sure that you respond to anything that remotely looks like a sale. You poor pathetic loser, if you happen to find a pair of underwear that does not suck your ass into an abyss of nothingness...good luck.

6. Vitamins do not make a difference in your life. GNC is a joke. Eat veggies, lots of them, green ones are the best. Walk up the stairs, drink water and just live your life.

7. Ranting bloggers make very little sense as I see that this list is losing steam quickly.

8. Around every corner is someone who does not like you for reasons that only they are aware. I mean, I dislike people and it is so unfair. I am aware of that, and that has nothing to do with reality, that is my own bit of lolaness. These people who don't like you will never have anything good/bad to say about you, because in order to hate you, they can only say bad things but when they say bad things they look like assholes and when they say good things they look like kiss asses.

I am going to stop this list because as I read back, I sound like Dane Cook and Dane Cook is not paying my bills, so FIN.

Dear Readers..I am sorry for my aggression but I just feel like at my age I should not have to deal with so much. I did not anticipate the series of unfortunate events that have been dealt to me as of late.

Readers, I am a good person. I swear I am. Everything that I do is with the best intentions. I think my issue lately is that I don't really think things out. That would be my issue with reality.

Do you have any idea how often a millisecond after something has left my mouth, I think....noooooooooo whhhhhhhhhy did I sayyyyyy thattttttt....NOW WHAT??

I am tired of it. I am at a place where I feel that my voice serves no purpose than to upset. I really think I need to take a vow of silence. Of course that means I cannot have any forms of communication, not my blog, not a post it, not even my old standbys, marble notebooks.

Really, choose your words and use them. I don't want to say another word, because I am sure that I have managed with this blog to chip away at myself more. Soon there will be nothing left.

This weekend a friend told me that I don't know how to shut up. That stung a little bit, because growing up I was told that a lot. I am starting to believe that that will be my only salvation, to stfu.

Why not? Why should I keep talking? Words that I say do nothing more than manifest a broader wedge between myself and what I want the most.

So
it
makes
perfect
sense
to
for
once
and
for
effing
all

STFU.

I don't know how I can do it. It does help that I am harvesting this lump in my throat. It is best to keep it away from air, because than shit goes down, way down, no homo.

Dear Readers, what you need to know and this may be as important as the lesson regarding reality...

I am hanging precariously on a thin thread of sanity. This may be my cry for help or it may be too late. I will always be Lola and I will always have a kind word, smile or shoulder for anyone who needs it, but now at this time of personal need, I've opted to choose the middle ground between reality and the edge.

What's the middle ground?

I am going to dumb my life down to the basics. I still know how to breath and walk and for the most part, the art of both, even simultaneously has never failed me.

Eat well.
Sleep well.
Read books.
Reflect.
Be a friend to all (in need or otherwise).
Only set my own expectations for myself.<----that is tough because 1)I don't really set high expectations, 2)It is way funner to set expectations for others,(esp. high).

I have to add more to that list, but one of the secrets to maneuvering life is setting small bites. Don't overwhelm yourself.

I don't know what else to say.

You get me, that's why I love you,


Lola

Here a cry, there a cry, everywhere a CryBaby

Dear Readers,

I have been meaning to write this blog for some time now. If you read my last blog, you'd expect me to be a bit off. Boy, am I. Today I want to tell you about something that has been happening. I won't stress punctuation with this blog, that as other things that used to come natural to me, is lost to me. My voice does not require punctuation, my feelings can't be solidified by a period or comma.

In the past week I've seen three people crying on the train. Strangers all of them. The other day, I stood over a woman who was looking down. She had a yoga mat and duffel, and her skin was that newly dried dewy...shit, I'm a writer, I look at these things. What called my attention to her was the fact that she was rubbing the leather edge of her bag through her fingers. These are the type of moments that catch my attention. The same way she was fixated on this mindless behavior, I too was vested.

So I watched. Remember from my vantage point, I was above her. I saw one drop hit her bag. Then another, another and yet another. I shifted my view and yes, she was crying. That slow leak of tears, that she had no control over. She didn't wipe her face or her nose, rather, she allowed the tears to have on last salvation on her chin, before they hit her bag.

What to do? Readers, I wanted to comfort her, but it occurred to me...I don't know why she is crying. Maybe her plan for world domination starting with yoga, failed this evening. Maybe she left her water bottle and was too thirsty. Maybe she had a rough day at work. Maybe she is lonely. I am going to go with lonely. I don't know why she was lonely, but I do think that crying is a lonely activity.

I didn't comfort her. I did look away for a minute, so that she could cry in private but then I thought....what makes her think she will have privacy on the Bronx bound 4 train? Another thought occurred to me about this crying business. Though crying is a lonely activity, it is also about attention. Perhaps she just wanted strangers to bear witness to her pain.

That I can respect. So I watched. I watched and thought good thoughts for her that went something like this:
I hope you have a good credit score
I hope you continue with yoga, your skin is lovely
I hope that you get to eat your favorite food this weekend
I hope that your tears are worth it

Cryer #2 was on the Pelham Pkwy bound 6 train. She (or he, there was a taste of gender idk)was not ashamed of crying. She was looking straight ahead and defiantly alternately wiping her tears and hugging herself. I was almost positive that her tears were about a lover. She had that incredulous oh no this nucca didn't put me through this ish once again. Oh no I didn't fall for that ish AGAIN??!! I don't have much to say about her. She was noticeably upset. I wanted to sit next to her, hug her, over her part of my lunch.

She didn't deserve such misery on a beautiful Monday. I hope she is ok. I hope that she is laughing.

Cryer #3, I don't remember. Maybe it was me.

Readers, my eyes are getting heavy. I think its about time that I get to sleep. I have been so exhausted lately, it takes me forever to sleep.

Oh one last thing, remember when I told you how terrible I was doing in school?
Well I failed the class. That makes me want to cry, but my eyes can't deal out any more tears.

Currently there is a tear deficit.

Dear Readers, I've never asked you for a lot, well, not really...and by no means do I mean to insinuate that you are prayerful, but if you have a little good thought that you can think for me, I will really appreciate it.

You get me, that's why I love you.

Lola

The End

Dear Readers:

The end of a love affair hurts so much. Perhaps I should not be writing this, but at this point, why censor?

Love feels so good when it is good, but the minute it goes bad, you (or at least I)feel like you are watching deleted scenes from a movie. I want to say that I have no regrets, but sometimes I wonder if present feelings are worth the past or is it the other way around?

Readers, there is no way that I can be up with anything right now. I apologize to you because I have been inattentive. I know that I am always apologizing for that. My heart has been heavy lately. I swear I try to go on, but....

By no means are you to think that I am in danger of hurting myself. All the hurt that I am feeling was coming, whether by someone else or by my own hand. I did not take care of my heart or the heart of my loved one and here is where we stand.

In fact, we stand apart. The only thing joining us at this point is pain. Funny, pain is what bought us together. The saying is, "how you get them, is how you lose them". I guess that is true.

Readers, I have been holding back on my blog because you deserve better than this. I have been trying to be optimistic and it is not working. I spend all my time either manically giggling or hysterically crying. How would you feel? How would you communicate?

I either want to cut myself off from the world or uber engage myself, just to prevent being alone. This upcoming weekend I will be alone to face my demons, all of them.

I don't know what that means, I don't know what to expect. I will be working on my own and have decided not to call anyone. Readers, my "real time friends" have been so supportive, I think, rather I know, that everyone needs a break from me.

Shit, I need a break from me.

I am back on Facebook. I left FB because it gave me a false sense of security. I didn't think that I was missing anything because I was always there. All of my friends, new and old, in one place.....one stop shopping. Unfortunately, I've had to face my loneliness, as that will be the only way to combat it.

I decided that FB is not the culprit.

Lesson One in Self:
1. Don't Lay Blame.

I have to take responsibility for myself. I can no longer push everything on others. See, the problem is, when I push my problems on others they do one of two things:
1. Ignore them. This angers me because WTF??
2. Offer advice. This angers me because WTF??

If I am getting the same results, why bother? I understand that it will be more work for me, handling my own shit, but maybe that is what I need.

Dear Readers, I am blogging at work, so that is why I am all over the place. Honestly, there is no one place where I could be at peace with myself right now.

Lesson Two in Self:
2. Love Yourself.

I know you have heard that before. Yada yada yada...it is so true! It is really hard to put yourself before others, but it is very important. You know what is annoying about the important stuff? They are the hardest to accomplish. I think so. I keep forgetting to love myself first and sometimes I think I am doing a great job and then...nope....I suck at it.

The thing is, sometimes when you love yourself, people think that you are being selfish. Yet, I've been told to be selfish. The very people who tell you to be selfish, will be the first to accuse you of such behavior when THEY feel shorted.

Funny stuff?

Yeah man.

Ok. I don't know what I've accomplished, but perhaps after reading this again, I will find some pearl of something or another.

Right now, I have to get back to work.

Ew.

You get me, that's why I love you (still).

Lola

Untitled

Dear Readers:

Sorry for the spazzed title. I keep rewriting the title of this blog. Typically I write the blog first, then title it, but nothing is typical lately. I hardly know where to start, so I guess that is going to be the mood of this blog, untitled.

I am happy that you are here. I really am. Thank you. The school year is ending so my first official year of teaching is coming to an end. My classes are coming to an end for the time being.

I am a teacher, so I can grade. If I were to grade my teaching performance I'd give myself a C-. Trust me, Dear Readers, I am doing myself a favor. I am being very kind. I don't really think that I taught as much as kept myself from drowning. Really, it was, it is, a mess. I love my students, really love them, because they put up with some much lolafoolery. I kind of feel sorry for them, since this year was a wash, but I will pay in the end. I have so much ish to do with them for the next two years. OMG...I will more than have my foot in my ass, I will be supporting damn near my whole leg...yes, in my ass. So a C- it is.

As far a grad school

Big F! F- if possible. I have never had such dismal academic performance. I was late, absent and disengaged. I was every teacher's nightmare. I didn't complete my homework on time, if at all. I barely said a peep during class, rather I played with my cell phone. I was sullen. All of my assignments were half assed and late. I don't know what my grades will look like, but I am firm believer in preparing for the worst, so yeah....

F-

I didn't even rent, much less buy the textbooks. Lol. I will feel it, I am sure. There is the other leg up my ass.

I must take this time to congradulate myself on being professional, as professional as I can be, as I really don't feel like blogging about this, but I promised you a blog, Dear Readers, and I won't let you down.

Though....I learned something about myself tonight. I have let people down in my life with my bohemian ways. I need to find a balance and I can't or I won't. So what does that say about me? I have always boasted about loving hard, I bet if you go through my blogs you will find that I say the frequently. You know what? Maybe I am a liar. I am, actually, another lesson. My grandmother (whom I miss terribly, 9/20/04) always would tell me that it is ok for a little white lie, with two major reasons: to not hurt someone and to not hurt yourself. To not hurt someone is quite explanatory, why hurt people when a little white lie could prevent it? As far as hurting yourself, Grandma had us all convinced that something would happen to us if we didn't lie...usually rape or some other terrible crime. What?? Whaaaaaat?? Please allow me to explaing. Here is the scenario that she was fond of:

Stranger: Well Hello Good Looking
Me: Oh Hello
Stranger: So are you here by yourself/walking alone/waiting for someone/work here (etc, that part was variable)
Me: Haha, actually I am waiting for my father/boyfriend/husband/brother, the Chief of Police/CIA/FBI/Fireman to pick me up.

Get it?

She meant well.

I have told my share of lies in my life. Shit, a portion of them were to the very person that advised me to do so. I love her. I love you, Katherine Mendez, we are bulls, like you.

Maybe I told too many, maybe I made mistakes, but I never, NEVER told them in the wrong spirit. I've never told them to hurt anyone, I've never told them for my own gain, except of course to protect myself from The Killer. I wish I could take some if not all of my lies back. At this point, I wonder what difference that would make.

I guess it wouldn't hurt the very people that I hoped to protect.

So here I am, all reflective and whatnot and where does it leave me? Nowhere. Same place, different time. You would think that this blog would get me somewhere, but again it is untitled, so go figure.

Dear Readers, now is another great time for Dear Reader Feedback. I wish you could all advise me, but there are somethings preventing you. The obvious, you are not here in real time with me as I write and the other....I have not really told you what I need help on.

Ah another fine trait. I don't have too much issue with what I want, more so the how to get it, keep it, maintain it.

Those two lines prior to this one make no sense for a reason. I beg your forgiveness.

I am so besides myself I don't know what to say or even what to want anymore. I prepared myself for this moment, but it is similar to preparing for the loss of a loved one. You can say everything that you want, do all the last things that you wanted to do, and swear to everyone that you are ready, you got this, you have a contingency and then shit happens and

oh
what
really
I
uh
damn

That is where I am.

You get me, that's why I love you.

Lola

(I did not get to edit this blog, nor will I, untitled=unconcerned)