Dear Readers:
It has occurred to me that I don't know what number blog we are on. Remember when I'd list them by number?
What happened to that?
What happened to me?
Today in mixed company my blog was mentioned and an avid reader complained that I wrote in code. Do I do that? Yes.
Should I?
I actually shouldn't and I know this and quite possibly you may be aware as well. It is not because I don't want to be honest with you, I actually am honest.
As honest as I can be under the circumstances.
I don't really know why I am here. It is well into the next day and I should be asleep. I only got in a little while ago and I recall traveling sleepily on the train thinking that I could not wait to get home to blog.
Not sleep, but blog.
I don't even have a topic. I just just know that I need you right now.
I need you more than:
another drink
more chocolate
passion
insecurity
television
lentils
hurt
love
pain
There are more things but I can't think of them now.
I wanted to put sleep on that list, but sleep is not actually my friend. I have been taking something to help me sleep through the night, but my nights are still stalked by terrors and unspoken fears.
I don't sleep well for that reason and I tend to stay up until a point of delirium where sleep didn't' come, death would surely follow.
Check me out, Lil E. Poe in the hizouse.
My Dear Readers, today was a good day. I won't bore you with the abouts of the day, but overall good. I faced my usual suspects and handled (nearly effortlessly) my regular shit. I went through my emotions, checking them off as I did, so's not to neglect one or more.
It is my everyday duty, to check them off, one by one. I guess it is emotional inventory. I long for the days when I didn't have to make sure all of my emotions were accounted for and it tires me that this quite possibly is my life.
Speaking of my life, I looked at some beautiful wedding pictures recently. The brides were lovely and in my heart, I wished that I could partake of that loveliness. I try to be forward thinking and say things like in my next life, but in actuality, I don't believe that I will have another life. I am pretty damn positive that this is my only life and I feel resentful that I won't have a wedding. I won't have a ring, I won't have any of that. I won't write my vows, I won't look forward to hers, we won't ask folk to donate to our favorite charity in lieu of gifts.
None of that.
I feel a little cheated. Growing up I swore that I didn't want a wedding and I nearly convinced myself that I didn't' and now that I think about it. I do.
There is so much that I wished I did during my life. Things that if I didn't do yet, I might as well check them off just as efficiently that I check off my emotions.
I fear that one day I will be blogging with arthritic fingers surrounded by cats.
Yes, Crazy Lesbian Cat Lady is in my future.
I no longer believe in love. Correction, I do believe in love, I believe that it always ends and for that reason it is not reliable.
This blog started one way and now must end another. I don't know what to say, except thank you for putting up with me. I don't even feel like proofreading. I will though, pardon my missed connections.
You get me, that's why I love you.
Lola
Monday, July 11, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Names...
Dear Readers,
So my weekend was peaceful. I don't know how I found peace, but I did, and I am not questioning. Today, I was traveling on the train and a name started to resonate in my head.
Again and again, the name tried to invade my thoughts along with images, images that I was not ready to confront. I didn't know what to do, so I tried to combat the name and images with a different name and image. This worked for a second, but the invading thought was so strong.
I felt anxious as I worked so hard to not deal with those thoughts...not now or later, but if I had a choice, it would have been later. Sometimes life simply does not work that way.
All of a sudden I thought of my name...and every name that has ever been mine. For someone who swore she hated nicknames I sure have many. I will spare you my government name, because despite all I am going though, I still have to keep a little something to myself. Here is a list of all my alias:
Lola
Laura (pronounced LaaOWda...like in the novellas)
Honey (my sim name)
Hoebucket Lovelobes
Stina
Peruvian Cruz
I thought of all these names, and they bought a smile to my face. You know, I never realized there were so many. What is awesome is despite the handle I carry, I am always me...ever evolving...but still the same.
Where am I going with this? Not sure. All I know is that I am still me. Different circumstances and personalities enter your life, yet you can still be yourself.
I am happy that I am still myself.
I am happy that I still smile at the same jokes, that my favorite movie is Ferris Bueller Day's Off, that I love reality tv, that my favorite book is still Catcher in The Rye, that I love cats even if I can't have one, that I can cook and people know it.
I am kind, loving, funny, sarcastic, and smart enough to make people believe that I know more than I actually do.
I do think that I am capable of loving and being loved, but my "in love" vibe is badly bruised.
I don't worry about that just yet.
No worries...an old friend told me that once or a million times and I am happy that it still makes me feel good.
Dear Readers, I am trying to convey to you that I might just be ok. Things have changed in my life and some may stay the same/or return, but I just don't know. I just don't know, but what I do know is that I must live in the present and expect the best for the future.
Even if what occurs in the future is not what I hoped for, I have to accept change and work with it.
Things can and will change but Lola, Laura (pronounced LaaOWda...like in the novellas), Honey, Hoebucket Lovelobes, Stina, and Peruvian Cruz will still be very real to me.
Ok. I am beat, but one last thing..speaking of names, Victoria and David Beckham have named their new baby girl Harper Seven. Harper Seven Beckham is a beautiful name.
You get me, that's why I love you,
Lola
So my weekend was peaceful. I don't know how I found peace, but I did, and I am not questioning. Today, I was traveling on the train and a name started to resonate in my head.
Again and again, the name tried to invade my thoughts along with images, images that I was not ready to confront. I didn't know what to do, so I tried to combat the name and images with a different name and image. This worked for a second, but the invading thought was so strong.
I felt anxious as I worked so hard to not deal with those thoughts...not now or later, but if I had a choice, it would have been later. Sometimes life simply does not work that way.
All of a sudden I thought of my name...and every name that has ever been mine. For someone who swore she hated nicknames I sure have many. I will spare you my government name, because despite all I am going though, I still have to keep a little something to myself. Here is a list of all my alias:
Lola
Laura (pronounced LaaOWda...like in the novellas)
Honey (my sim name)
Hoebucket Lovelobes
Stina
Peruvian Cruz
I thought of all these names, and they bought a smile to my face. You know, I never realized there were so many. What is awesome is despite the handle I carry, I am always me...ever evolving...but still the same.
Where am I going with this? Not sure. All I know is that I am still me. Different circumstances and personalities enter your life, yet you can still be yourself.
I am happy that I am still myself.
I am happy that I still smile at the same jokes, that my favorite movie is Ferris Bueller Day's Off, that I love reality tv, that my favorite book is still Catcher in The Rye, that I love cats even if I can't have one, that I can cook and people know it.
I am kind, loving, funny, sarcastic, and smart enough to make people believe that I know more than I actually do.
I do think that I am capable of loving and being loved, but my "in love" vibe is badly bruised.
I don't worry about that just yet.
No worries...an old friend told me that once or a million times and I am happy that it still makes me feel good.
Dear Readers, I am trying to convey to you that I might just be ok. Things have changed in my life and some may stay the same/or return, but I just don't know. I just don't know, but what I do know is that I must live in the present and expect the best for the future.
Even if what occurs in the future is not what I hoped for, I have to accept change and work with it.
Things can and will change but Lola, Laura (pronounced LaaOWda...like in the novellas), Honey, Hoebucket Lovelobes, Stina, and Peruvian Cruz will still be very real to me.
Ok. I am beat, but one last thing..speaking of names, Victoria and David Beckham have named their new baby girl Harper Seven. Harper Seven Beckham is a beautiful name.
You get me, that's why I love you,
Lola
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Day One of Me
"I was full of a hot, powerful sadness and would have loved to burst into the comfort of tears, but tried hard not to, remembering something my Guru once said -- that you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
Dear Readers:
I am writing to you after a long night. I am happy to write to you because though the night was long it is now over. It is a beautiful day and I am on my way out. I have a new summer dress (it's lovely) and new sandals to go with it. I am probably going to get my hair trimmed and done just right as well.
The night was long, but it is now over. I am so happy that the sun is out and all is well. It is funny, but when you reach or at least think you've reached that final pit of omgicantdothisrightnoworever sometimes it helps to just turn off the tv, turn on the a/c (bill be damned) and turn on some Jill Scott. I did that last night. I set the tone just right and I went to bed. I left Jill on all night. At one point I woke up to this, the chorus from Hear My Call:
God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.
Dear Readers, I immediately felt the thickness of my throat closing and I knew that tears were near. I did something that I would not have done before. Instead of giving into the feelings of despair, I repeated the lyrics...whether aloud or in sleep, I do not know....
God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.
After I repeated it, I did my own remix:
God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
I am burned raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.
Dear Readers, though a part of my undoing is love, I can not continue to pin everything on it. I have to stop praying for what I think I want and understand what the Higher Power wants for me. I have to let go of my fears and my tears and open my heart for guidance.
This is such an astonishing realization and I embrace it, though gingerly. I will need time to adjust to it. I will need to remind myself. I may need to write it on a little note. Insider, you know who you are.
The quote at the very start of this blog is from an amazing book. You'd have to be under a rock to not have heard about that book. I want to practice staying strong too. I don't really know what it means to practice that skill or rather I am not sure how to go about it. I think I need to do things that make me feel good and in control, like blog.
Again, I thank you.
I would love to stay here with you forever. I mentioned to a dear friend recently that I have to write my own story. I had to take back the pens, pencils, keyboards, homing pigeons, whatever from others. I can't just let someone haphazardly write my story. Why would I do something like that? I think that when you give in to insecurities (and other negative ish) you allow others to pen your wonderful life story.
I won't do that anymore. For a very long time (though not long enough) my story was intertwined with someone else's. It felt so very good. We even named it. Somewhere along our story things got confused and now we are at a blank page. I actually think that our story is over, as every time either of us tries to write the next page we disagree on how it should be. We only agree on the end.
You can't decide the end without completing the middle, unless of course the decision is to mutually close the book.
Sometimes people say that they are moving on to a new chapter in their life. In this case, think of it as a new book altogether. Dear Readers, I am not being harsh, I am being realistic.
I have to go and get ready for my day, it's a big day and I am happy to have it. I need more big days. One last quote from the book...warning, if profanity is not your thing, stop reading here.
"Operation Self-Esteem--Day Fucking One."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
All of these quotes and more can be found at http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/3352398
You get me, that's why I love you,
Lola
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
Dear Readers:
I am writing to you after a long night. I am happy to write to you because though the night was long it is now over. It is a beautiful day and I am on my way out. I have a new summer dress (it's lovely) and new sandals to go with it. I am probably going to get my hair trimmed and done just right as well.
The night was long, but it is now over. I am so happy that the sun is out and all is well. It is funny, but when you reach or at least think you've reached that final pit of omgicantdothisrightnoworever sometimes it helps to just turn off the tv, turn on the a/c (bill be damned) and turn on some Jill Scott. I did that last night. I set the tone just right and I went to bed. I left Jill on all night. At one point I woke up to this, the chorus from Hear My Call:
God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.
Dear Readers, I immediately felt the thickness of my throat closing and I knew that tears were near. I did something that I would not have done before. Instead of giving into the feelings of despair, I repeated the lyrics...whether aloud or in sleep, I do not know....
God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.
After I repeated it, I did my own remix:
God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
I am burned raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.
Dear Readers, though a part of my undoing is love, I can not continue to pin everything on it. I have to stop praying for what I think I want and understand what the Higher Power wants for me. I have to let go of my fears and my tears and open my heart for guidance.
This is such an astonishing realization and I embrace it, though gingerly. I will need time to adjust to it. I will need to remind myself. I may need to write it on a little note. Insider, you know who you are.
The quote at the very start of this blog is from an amazing book. You'd have to be under a rock to not have heard about that book. I want to practice staying strong too. I don't really know what it means to practice that skill or rather I am not sure how to go about it. I think I need to do things that make me feel good and in control, like blog.
Again, I thank you.
I would love to stay here with you forever. I mentioned to a dear friend recently that I have to write my own story. I had to take back the pens, pencils, keyboards, homing pigeons, whatever from others. I can't just let someone haphazardly write my story. Why would I do something like that? I think that when you give in to insecurities (and other negative ish) you allow others to pen your wonderful life story.
I won't do that anymore. For a very long time (though not long enough) my story was intertwined with someone else's. It felt so very good. We even named it. Somewhere along our story things got confused and now we are at a blank page. I actually think that our story is over, as every time either of us tries to write the next page we disagree on how it should be. We only agree on the end.
You can't decide the end without completing the middle, unless of course the decision is to mutually close the book.
Sometimes people say that they are moving on to a new chapter in their life. In this case, think of it as a new book altogether. Dear Readers, I am not being harsh, I am being realistic.
I have to go and get ready for my day, it's a big day and I am happy to have it. I need more big days. One last quote from the book...warning, if profanity is not your thing, stop reading here.
"Operation Self-Esteem--Day Fucking One."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
All of these quotes and more can be found at http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/3352398
You get me, that's why I love you,
Lola
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Last Jill Scott of the Day....:)
Too much on my mind
Too much on my mind
Too much on my mind
Too much on my...
La la la la la la la la la
Here I am thinking again
All lost in my brain
But I know I should get up and get out of it
I gotta keep moving
But here I am lost all up inside my brain
Can't stop thinking, reminiscing.
Can't stop. Can't let go.
But when I wake up,
And one day I will do it,
I have let you go
And everything I went through was beautiful
I have let you go
And everything I went through was beautiful
Maybe I, right now, can't see the forest for the trees
So lost behind hurt
But I'm trying everyday exponentially
To move forward
Do you know how it feels to be lost?
But when I wake up
Everything I went through would be beautiful
When I wake up
And I will wake up
It's gonna be beautiful
Down to my left side (Last cry)
Feeling like I could fly
(Feeling like I could fly)
All day, up high.
Sweeter than the sugar on a cinnamon treat
Or an ice cream
That was me
But I'm feeling like I'm in a nightmare
Fear of loving somebody, everywhere
Oh Lord, I need this confirmation, this affirmation
That when I wake up
When I wake up
Everything I went through will be beautiful
When I wake up
Everything I went through will be beautiful
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake up...
Everything I went through will be beautiful
Too much on my mind
Too much on my mind
Too much on my...
La la la la la la la la la
Here I am thinking again
All lost in my brain
But I know I should get up and get out of it
I gotta keep moving
But here I am lost all up inside my brain
Can't stop thinking, reminiscing.
Can't stop. Can't let go.
But when I wake up,
And one day I will do it,
I have let you go
And everything I went through was beautiful
I have let you go
And everything I went through was beautiful
Maybe I, right now, can't see the forest for the trees
So lost behind hurt
But I'm trying everyday exponentially
To move forward
Do you know how it feels to be lost?
But when I wake up
Everything I went through would be beautiful
When I wake up
And I will wake up
It's gonna be beautiful
Down to my left side (Last cry)
Feeling like I could fly
(Feeling like I could fly)
All day, up high.
Sweeter than the sugar on a cinnamon treat
Or an ice cream
That was me
But I'm feeling like I'm in a nightmare
Fear of loving somebody, everywhere
Oh Lord, I need this confirmation, this affirmation
That when I wake up
When I wake up
Everything I went through will be beautiful
When I wake up
Everything I went through will be beautiful
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake up...
Everything I went through will be beautiful
Jill Scott SAID that I'm Still Here
Dear Readers:
Here are the lyrics to a Jill Scott song that is in my head. Do you feel the power in her words?
She cleanses me. I will go to extremes to be blessed by her presence. She is my rock. All others, can kick rocks.
I am a boisterous river
I am a mountains story
I am a quiet feeling
I am a fragrant flower
I am a moonlit evening
I am a peaceful night
I am a writers thinking
I am a wealth unfathomed
And if you don't recognize my presence, I am here
And if you don't recognize me, I am here
I am a source of power
I am excited journey
I am the rock of patience
I am a whisper singing
I am unbridled freedom
I am the thought from thinking
I am a love unshattered
I am the great orgasm
And if you don't recognize my presence, I am here
And if you don't recognize my presence, I am here
And even if you don't recognize me, I'm still here
And even if you don't recognize me
And even if you don't recognize me, I'm still here
And even if you don't recognize me, I am, oh, I'm still here
Even if you don't recognize me, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/jill_scott/still_here_hidden_track.html ]
I am still here.
You get me, that's why I love you.
Lola (still here)
Here are the lyrics to a Jill Scott song that is in my head. Do you feel the power in her words?
She cleanses me. I will go to extremes to be blessed by her presence. She is my rock. All others, can kick rocks.
I am a boisterous river
I am a mountains story
I am a quiet feeling
I am a fragrant flower
I am a moonlit evening
I am a peaceful night
I am a writers thinking
I am a wealth unfathomed
And if you don't recognize my presence, I am here
And if you don't recognize me, I am here
I am a source of power
I am excited journey
I am the rock of patience
I am a whisper singing
I am unbridled freedom
I am the thought from thinking
I am a love unshattered
I am the great orgasm
And if you don't recognize my presence, I am here
And if you don't recognize my presence, I am here
And even if you don't recognize me, I'm still here
And even if you don't recognize me
And even if you don't recognize me, I'm still here
And even if you don't recognize me, I am, oh, I'm still here
Even if you don't recognize me, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/jill_scott/still_here_hidden_track.html ]
I am still here.
You get me, that's why I love you.
Lola (still here)
Cool Slick and Coming Soon
Dear Readers,
This is not a full blog. It can't be. It can't be because there is so much going on. I have to protect myself as I have to protect you. Dear Readers, currently there is so much pain and anger pulsing through my veins and into my heart. I am writing to you for strength. I am writing to you for understanding. I am not the person that you think that I am, I make mistakes...actually lots of them. I am in a place now that I never thought I'd be at again and it hurts like hell.
I think that with maturity, I should be able to handle more each time, but you know, you let your guard down and then you get stung. So this can't be our regular time together. Right now I am reaching out because the most comforting thing that I have right now are these keys. It feels so good to type, to have some normalcy to my crazy life. I won't divulge what is going on, because what I am not going to do is lay blame on anyone specifically. Rather then blog about what is happening, I rather just blog to blog. I am trying to work through this and it seems that the only way to do that is keep busy. The one who plots against me, the one who orchestrated this whole nightmare, I played myself by playing into the plan. I do feel stupid but then I think of the things that I have going for me. I had a FB conversation today about insecurities and haters and etc. Here is something new and unusual....FOR YOU TODAY! LET'S HAVE A LITTLE FUN..I am going to dash over to FB and copy the convo here, while of course protecting the identity of the FBer.
Mystery FBer: Insecurities is an ugly thing. It makes you hate on people you know and don't know. I hear the sea of forgetfulness is calling..#Get.over.it
Lola: It is not that cut and dry, Mystery FBer.
Mystery FBer: I believe so but everyone is different. I have major insecurities but I will not ever treat someone different or hate on them because they look better or weigh less than me. Im saying get over the hate, not human being emotions like being insecure.
Lola: I never hate anyone for what they have. I just feel like under the right circumstances someone can get under your skin. Instead of your feelings looking rational, your suffering may instead manifest as insecurities. Insecure people equal haters. I think the real hating is when you aim to take what does not belong to you.
Mystery FBer: I agree.
Lola: Worst yet, I think the hate is contagious. We call those people jaded. It can be a victimful cycle. Even the sweetest person can fall victim if their cries for understanding go unanswered.
Mystery FBer: My point of this posting is I have been treated differently by ppl because of their insecurities. Being rude to me, etc..Everyone shines in their own time, so hating should not be a factor publicly. If you hating, do it in your own secret closet.
Mystery FBer: It depends how it is done and some people have been victims and those are special cases. However, there are ppl who are rude, spiteful, and don't care about your journey. All they see is the destination.
Lola: Oh I know someone just like that.
Lola: I think that comes with failure. Once they eff up their own journey, they want to trample all over yours. Alas, you can either back down like a spineless victim or you can stand taller, plant your feet on the ground and keep it moving.
Mystery FBer: Yup, very true.
Thank you Mystery FBer for your contribution to my blog. So Dear Readers, here is the climax of it all. Do you want to know how I am playing into the plan? I end up looking like a crazed psycho nutbag when there is nothing I can do at this point. So I have been thinking...
I can either play crazed psycho nutbag and fulfill the prophecy or I can just sit back and wait in the cut until I have a foothold in this all. I have weeks to do me, whatever I want to do and I can. I have many things going for me. Let me for a moment sing the praises of Lola...Church: Chime in When Necessary or if the Spirit Moves you...
I am intelligent
Happy Is Lola
I am beautiful
Happy Is Lola
I have an amazing little WondaFamily
Happy Is Lola
I have a pretty awesome sense of humor
Happy Is Lola
I love my friends and they love me back
Happy Is Lola
I am doing what I love the most, blog
Happy Is Lola
I am single, sexy and free
Happy Is Lola
I can go on, but I did say that this can't be a long one. No Homo. Wow, Dear Readers, you really do make me feel better. I have been spending a lot of time thinking things through. I have a nice long list of things to do to get through this period, successfully. I have been here before and all I got out of it were hangovers and a gut.
I worked too hard to get rid of my gut and I am not spending my good cash on drinking. Lord knows I can just sit at the end of any bar and have my drinks bought for me. Oh Yeah...you didn't know....shooooooot shut your mouth!
But..
That is not how I want to spend my time. This time is for me to get myself even more together. I am sure that there is a higher plan and if this is it then I work through it. The fight is far from ending..and anything worth having is worth fighting for.
However, to fight now would be a waste of energy. I am not going to paint myself into a corner, though that is the reason I have never single handily painted this apartment, as I would do so...and I tangent...thank you Dear Readers for this distraction.
Thank you for wanting the best for me.
Special shout out to you, for by the time you get to read this with everything else going on in your life, you are still very much aware of my feelings. Please be aware that I am not shutting you out, rather protecting myself and my sanity for OUR future. If our roles in each others lives has been completed then in time we will both know that. The knowledge will hurt but not as much as the uncertainty does. You are now and always will be in my heart. I may say and do things that combat this statement, but yes, I love you.
Dear Readers, I want to thank you for putting up with me. Really I am a great person, but as my conversation with Mystery FBer shows, I could just give in, notice my last comment "Alas, you can either back down like a spineless victim or you can stand taller, plant your feet on the ground and keep it moving."
I am standing tall.
Everyone here gets an honorable mention...anyone who throws me shade in their effort to be in the sun...there is enough sun for everyone. At the end of the day, despite my upset, it is all good. I feel for you and your pain, because it can only be your own insecurities that would make you do such things to someone (eh hem) who did nothing to you. You feel as if you are living your life, traveling your journey, but the journey spent trampling on the backs of others, is absolutely never OK. I wish you insight.
Dear Readers, I am off to tan. It is a wonderful day to be me and I'm doing me.
You get me, that's why I love you
Lola (still here)
This is not a full blog. It can't be. It can't be because there is so much going on. I have to protect myself as I have to protect you. Dear Readers, currently there is so much pain and anger pulsing through my veins and into my heart. I am writing to you for strength. I am writing to you for understanding. I am not the person that you think that I am, I make mistakes...actually lots of them. I am in a place now that I never thought I'd be at again and it hurts like hell.
I think that with maturity, I should be able to handle more each time, but you know, you let your guard down and then you get stung. So this can't be our regular time together. Right now I am reaching out because the most comforting thing that I have right now are these keys. It feels so good to type, to have some normalcy to my crazy life. I won't divulge what is going on, because what I am not going to do is lay blame on anyone specifically. Rather then blog about what is happening, I rather just blog to blog. I am trying to work through this and it seems that the only way to do that is keep busy. The one who plots against me, the one who orchestrated this whole nightmare, I played myself by playing into the plan. I do feel stupid but then I think of the things that I have going for me. I had a FB conversation today about insecurities and haters and etc. Here is something new and unusual....FOR YOU TODAY! LET'S HAVE A LITTLE FUN..I am going to dash over to FB and copy the convo here, while of course protecting the identity of the FBer.
Mystery FBer: Insecurities is an ugly thing. It makes you hate on people you know and don't know. I hear the sea of forgetfulness is calling..#Get.over.it
Lola: It is not that cut and dry, Mystery FBer.
Mystery FBer: I believe so but everyone is different. I have major insecurities but I will not ever treat someone different or hate on them because they look better or weigh less than me. Im saying get over the hate, not human being emotions like being insecure.
Lola: I never hate anyone for what they have. I just feel like under the right circumstances someone can get under your skin. Instead of your feelings looking rational, your suffering may instead manifest as insecurities. Insecure people equal haters. I think the real hating is when you aim to take what does not belong to you.
Mystery FBer: I agree.
Lola: Worst yet, I think the hate is contagious. We call those people jaded. It can be a victimful cycle. Even the sweetest person can fall victim if their cries for understanding go unanswered.
Mystery FBer: My point of this posting is I have been treated differently by ppl because of their insecurities. Being rude to me, etc..Everyone shines in their own time, so hating should not be a factor publicly. If you hating, do it in your own secret closet.
Mystery FBer: It depends how it is done and some people have been victims and those are special cases. However, there are ppl who are rude, spiteful, and don't care about your journey. All they see is the destination.
Lola: Oh I know someone just like that.
Lola: I think that comes with failure. Once they eff up their own journey, they want to trample all over yours. Alas, you can either back down like a spineless victim or you can stand taller, plant your feet on the ground and keep it moving.
Mystery FBer: Yup, very true.
Thank you Mystery FBer for your contribution to my blog. So Dear Readers, here is the climax of it all. Do you want to know how I am playing into the plan? I end up looking like a crazed psycho nutbag when there is nothing I can do at this point. So I have been thinking...
I can either play crazed psycho nutbag and fulfill the prophecy or I can just sit back and wait in the cut until I have a foothold in this all. I have weeks to do me, whatever I want to do and I can. I have many things going for me. Let me for a moment sing the praises of Lola...Church: Chime in When Necessary or if the Spirit Moves you...
I am intelligent
Happy Is Lola
I am beautiful
Happy Is Lola
I have an amazing little WondaFamily
Happy Is Lola
I have a pretty awesome sense of humor
Happy Is Lola
I love my friends and they love me back
Happy Is Lola
I am doing what I love the most, blog
Happy Is Lola
I am single, sexy and free
Happy Is Lola
I can go on, but I did say that this can't be a long one. No Homo. Wow, Dear Readers, you really do make me feel better. I have been spending a lot of time thinking things through. I have a nice long list of things to do to get through this period, successfully. I have been here before and all I got out of it were hangovers and a gut.
I worked too hard to get rid of my gut and I am not spending my good cash on drinking. Lord knows I can just sit at the end of any bar and have my drinks bought for me. Oh Yeah...you didn't know....shooooooot shut your mouth!
But..
That is not how I want to spend my time. This time is for me to get myself even more together. I am sure that there is a higher plan and if this is it then I work through it. The fight is far from ending..and anything worth having is worth fighting for.
However, to fight now would be a waste of energy. I am not going to paint myself into a corner, though that is the reason I have never single handily painted this apartment, as I would do so...and I tangent...thank you Dear Readers for this distraction.
Thank you for wanting the best for me.
Special shout out to you, for by the time you get to read this with everything else going on in your life, you are still very much aware of my feelings. Please be aware that I am not shutting you out, rather protecting myself and my sanity for OUR future. If our roles in each others lives has been completed then in time we will both know that. The knowledge will hurt but not as much as the uncertainty does. You are now and always will be in my heart. I may say and do things that combat this statement, but yes, I love you.
Dear Readers, I want to thank you for putting up with me. Really I am a great person, but as my conversation with Mystery FBer shows, I could just give in, notice my last comment "Alas, you can either back down like a spineless victim or you can stand taller, plant your feet on the ground and keep it moving."
I am standing tall.
Everyone here gets an honorable mention...anyone who throws me shade in their effort to be in the sun...there is enough sun for everyone. At the end of the day, despite my upset, it is all good. I feel for you and your pain, because it can only be your own insecurities that would make you do such things to someone (eh hem) who did nothing to you. You feel as if you are living your life, traveling your journey, but the journey spent trampling on the backs of others, is absolutely never OK. I wish you insight.
Dear Readers, I am off to tan. It is a wonderful day to be me and I'm doing me.
You get me, that's why I love you
Lola (still here)
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
"Believe me, we're gonna do some damage.” ~Joel Zumaya
Dear Readers,
I have to tell you that it is not typical of me to post a mere 24hrs later, but.....
after yesterday's post and today's rereading of the last four or so posts, I must thank you.
I am thanking you because I am feeling good. This feeling is only possible when I blog. I blog because of you. I don't even know for sure that you are out there, but the thought of you reading, really is the catalyst.
So thank you.
I had hoped to return to Tuesday blogging and it looks like that won't be a problem. I am trying some new things with my life. I have some new aspirations and even a few old that I want to revisit.
You must be wondering what it could possibly be now, considering I have gone through so many changes, but really...isn't life about change? I'd like to share an excerpt from a poem that I just heard about.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
~Mary Oliver
A little background, today we held a moving up ceremony for our 10th grade and our principal mentioned the poem and spotlighted the last two lines above. Since I am Lola, I raced upstairs to google the poem and share a bit with you.
http://www.loc.gov/poetry/180/133.html <---check it out if you like.
I feel inspired. What AM I going to do with my one wild and precious life? What have I done thus far? You know what? I am not even going to hop on the soap box to preach about what I have done thus far. Hell, I will even spare you the what I PLAN to do with my ONE WILD AND PRECIOUS LIFE.
What I will tell you is that I anticipate great things. I am so blessed and excited about my one wild and precious life.
I can't believe it took me this long to understand the ginormous possibilities ahead of me. What a terrific responsibility!
Who could miss this?
Not me. Not you. Not us.
Dear Readers, I encourage you to ask yourself the same question. I challenge you to write (or quietly consider) down at least one thing you intend to do with your one wild and precious life this evening. I have not figured it out yet, simply because there are so many awesome things I could do.
Oh! That reminds me of another quote I remember seeing somewhere....bear with me while I tip tip tip tip type my fingers over these lovely keys to my friends at Bing!.
“What would you do if you knew you could not fail?”
Robert H. Schuller
What would you do? Sometimes I do whatever the hell I want, but I am not so much thinking of what I would do if I knew I could not fail. If you read yesterday's blog you will see that I don't really think ahead. Lol! Anyway...so I am going to readjust my thinking a little bit.
Eh hem...
Instead of traveling through my life all willy nilly OR traveling through my life all content and whatnot to follow the crowd, the rules and the Esta(bullshit)ishment, I vow to do the most with my one wild and precious life, living each day without fear of failure.
How awesome is that?
Anyone who wants to join me, is welcome. New friends, old friends, I would even accept an old nemesis or two (contingent on a contract that I will write up for your trifling ass).
It feels so good to look forward to life. I nearly feel like I am being reborn but with prior knowledge.
For other great quotes, dare to visit http://en.thinkexist.com/.
You may see me there, I am always reading for inspiration, as you can see by the title of today's blog.
Dear Readers,
You get me, that's why I love you.
Lola
I have to tell you that it is not typical of me to post a mere 24hrs later, but.....
after yesterday's post and today's rereading of the last four or so posts, I must thank you.
I am thanking you because I am feeling good. This feeling is only possible when I blog. I blog because of you. I don't even know for sure that you are out there, but the thought of you reading, really is the catalyst.
So thank you.
I had hoped to return to Tuesday blogging and it looks like that won't be a problem. I am trying some new things with my life. I have some new aspirations and even a few old that I want to revisit.
You must be wondering what it could possibly be now, considering I have gone through so many changes, but really...isn't life about change? I'd like to share an excerpt from a poem that I just heard about.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
~Mary Oliver
A little background, today we held a moving up ceremony for our 10th grade and our principal mentioned the poem and spotlighted the last two lines above. Since I am Lola, I raced upstairs to google the poem and share a bit with you.
http://www.loc.gov/poetry/180/133.html <---check it out if you like.
I feel inspired. What AM I going to do with my one wild and precious life? What have I done thus far? You know what? I am not even going to hop on the soap box to preach about what I have done thus far. Hell, I will even spare you the what I PLAN to do with my ONE WILD AND PRECIOUS LIFE.
What I will tell you is that I anticipate great things. I am so blessed and excited about my one wild and precious life.
I can't believe it took me this long to understand the ginormous possibilities ahead of me. What a terrific responsibility!
Who could miss this?
Not me. Not you. Not us.
Dear Readers, I encourage you to ask yourself the same question. I challenge you to write (or quietly consider) down at least one thing you intend to do with your one wild and precious life this evening. I have not figured it out yet, simply because there are so many awesome things I could do.
Oh! That reminds me of another quote I remember seeing somewhere....bear with me while I tip tip tip tip type my fingers over these lovely keys to my friends at Bing!.
“What would you do if you knew you could not fail?”
Robert H. Schuller
What would you do? Sometimes I do whatever the hell I want, but I am not so much thinking of what I would do if I knew I could not fail. If you read yesterday's blog you will see that I don't really think ahead. Lol! Anyway...so I am going to readjust my thinking a little bit.
Eh hem...
Instead of traveling through my life all willy nilly OR traveling through my life all content and whatnot to follow the crowd, the rules and the Esta(bullshit)ishment, I vow to do the most with my one wild and precious life, living each day without fear of failure.
How awesome is that?
Anyone who wants to join me, is welcome. New friends, old friends, I would even accept an old nemesis or two (contingent on a contract that I will write up for your trifling ass).
It feels so good to look forward to life. I nearly feel like I am being reborn but with prior knowledge.
For other great quotes, dare to visit http://en.thinkexist.com/.
You may see me there, I am always reading for inspiration, as you can see by the title of today's blog.
Dear Readers,
You get me, that's why I love you.
Lola
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