I just blogged an entire story and then deleted it. I don't even think it hits the point, the point that I am trying to avoid. I hardly know what to say anymore. I waited for this moment my whole life to simply hear about it in passing, poor Dear Readers, you probably don't even get me right now. I am sorry, I still love you. I am so confused. I wish you could help. I no longer know what to think. To have something so abruptly yanked from your life and then it just as abruptly return...what do you do? Remember the movie, Pet Cemetery, based on the King novel? These people missed their deceased pets so much, but when they came back all angry zombie catesque then didn't know what to do.
That is a poor comparison, but I am so confused right now. What do I do? Please send help. Well actually, since I was not available for such a unrequested blessing, it, like the love I thought was there is being retracted. Just as easy as a receipt exchange. Money back, all is fair in love and war, move on.
Now I am officially not making any sense, but none of this has. This entire year has been nothing but shit, shit, shit. I lost so much, it started as just the one that I love and then everything compounded. Now my heart is in deficit. I can't trust myself to make the right decisions anymore, because everything that I thought was right, was apparently wrong.
So now, out of the blue, over night literally, everything can change but not really. Not really, because I was not at the right place at the right time.
What was to be one of the defining points of our lifetime is now nothing. Dear Readers, I know what type of life I have to expect. Right now I am snapping at my WondaGirl and she does not even deserve it. I heard earlier via God's Plan for Real Conversation (text) that I am always angry. I think my emotions look like anger, but they are more out of confusion. I am so effing confused. OMG I can't even cry anymore. I don't know what to do, what to feel, what to think. My heart and mind are at war. If I could just wrap myself up in bed and stay there I would.
Again, not angry...and I promised not to hurt again and I won't. I refuse to hurt. This blog has nothing to do with the book I am reading, as I am sure everything in that book is void at this moment. My shadow self is going to have the rest of me, and I will be wrapped in projectile behavior and sweet denial of what is really in front of me. Again, confusion reeks through out this blog.
A promise, or a sham to get back where I ought to be? Do all parties involved know about this? Am I second and if so, how long have I been second. This has been going on long enough and at this point, my brain is sending ATTACK impulses to my heart.
Now, because I am good and confused, in love and at lose, living in cusp of WHAT THE FUCK, I hear that everything that was being transpired behind my back has been aborted.
Just. Like. This.
God, why can't I just break into a run until I run out of steam and belief...belief that is going to be the death of me, belief that takes away my passion, belief that squanders myself, my very personality at risk, belief that hinders my only voice, my blog and for what...what was the belief again?? What was I fighting for again?? I need a nap, a drink, a nap, a drink, a something. I don't get me anymore so there goes everything I have left.
I am stripped of sense, and sensible behavior, of yearnings, of desires, of the slight knowledge that says yearnings and desires are the same words.
My phone chimes but I ignore it. After all, I have learned more from my phone in the past year than I have from real live people. I am tired, I am scared, I am sad, I am hurt and I HATE THAT I CAN BE HERE AT THIS TIME.
I don't know anything anymore. What a rant this blog is and what a pro you are Dear Reader to stick around. I know what it feels like to have your time and attention put through the spin cycle. I know what it is like to be left with questions, questions unanswered, conversations incomplete, thoughts unprocessed.
I guess this is where I end a thought that never ended, a blog that never concludes, a heart that will never heal, a mind that will never cease to try to answer why.
You get me, that's why I love you,