First an apology. My last blog was very angry, rather I was very angry and it turned into a rant. I think I mentioned more than once that I was ranting, but you deserve better. The idea for this blog happened late this morning and already things have changed. Let's do a quick catch up. Today is Monday.
In the past 48hrs, the following has transpired in the order set before you:
I was told that I was a loved best friend.
There was someone outside my apartment all night with a ring.
I was told that there was some confusion and now the ring has been returned.
Dinner plans were made and cancelled.
I was told yet again that I was a loved best friend.
I expressed my hate for someone, thoroughly in demonstrative dance...well words anyway.
I was told off in very nasty language, reassured that everything that has hurt so much since July will continue to hurt throughout August.
I was called immature.
Now the reason that this is all so crazy is because all that was from the same person. Do you get the Love vs. Hate scenario? Clearly there is love and hate in the past 48hrs. After being told what to do with myself in such a profanity laced way, I am definitely sitting on the dock of hate.
One more scenario for you, because I like them so much:
Let's talk about Person A, Person B, and Person C. I know that's a lot for anyone to follow, so to help you, consider Person C to stand for cunt. Now you won't get confused.
A & B were in love. Like most people in love, Hate was festering nearby. Unfortunately, Hate traveled in on the back of C. C pretended that all was good in the hood, but A was a little concerned. B is mostly naive and meant well. For the most part, A & B were not concerned enough because they still shared Love. Enter the villain, shoulder to cry on, let's talk, its ok, yada yada yada, fast forward and A feels like a fool, B is (well I don't really know about what B is up too) and C is flying happily along on the wings of Hate. At this point A & B can barely be friends. A's love for B has been severely compromised with hate for C. Did I lose you? Remember C(unt).
This is why I am here today, to tell you about the whole Love vs. Hate. I thought before that I knew what hate felt like. My hate was immature, you know that baby hate, where you hate your friend on Tuesday and love them on Wednesday by first period...or the hate that you swear you have for your mom because she is definitely out to ruin your life. I also used to think that I knew what love felt like. Love of your parents, love for your first love, love for a pet....all immature love.
Now I have been privy to mature love, the love that you least expect but when it comes you immediately want to cultivate it. You feel almost frantic at the thought of losing it, because it feels so good. You just (and when I say "you", I am speaking of myself) want to make sure that the feeling lasts forever. You have had your stint with immature love so this must be it!
As this love grows and consumes you (yes, me) you flow with it. You do things a little differently to manage and maintain it. Actually, you do things way differently. Here is where you start to lose yourself in this love. I think I talked about losing yourself to love in another blog. I do know that Liz Gilbert has some great quotes on the topic. The love becomes all consuming and the flames of it really have you, preferably you and another. There is little worst than sweltering in love and the one you love is cool as a cuke watching from a bench in the shade sipping mint julep with ice.
You must be wondering where the hate comes in. Well, it does not really announce itself, but when its here it is freaking here. You see, you cannot truly know love until you know hate and vice versa. This works even with the immature hate and love that you experience in your childhood. Yes, I LOVE Bonton Chips but I HATE broccoli. Yes, I LOVE english class, but I HATE algebra! Get it? Good.
Back to mature love....if you apply the same to mature love, what do you think mature hate looks like? It is dark, greasy, inky, despairesque...the same way you will do things differently for love, you will do them differently in the name of hate. What? Hate will make you overspend, overeat, overdrink, overthink, cry, curse, and laugh...and love will do the same thing!
I'm serious. When is the last time you bought something for someone that you loved that you couldn't afford for yourself? I am guilty of that, that was in love. When was the last time you shopped because you were feeling down? I am guilty of that, that was in hate. Love will make me blog like until I chip my nail polish, hate will do the same damn thing.
Love and Hate are sharing this blog. I say things in love like liquid poetry, encompassing all, sweetening up life as we know it, make you stretch like a feline and purr right after. I say things in hate like acid, burning, churning, festering, the same kitty cat now a foul smelly beast with words like sharp claws.
I say that Love cannot ever versus Hate because they are closer than cousins, closer than sisters, rather they are the same...two sides of a coin, if you like. One is always nipping at the toes of the others, together they ride the same bike, the Doublemint Twins of life. You can't know hate until you know love. You can't know love until you know hate.
Does this sound like bad news? Its actually good news. The love that A had for B has now become hate for C. I know that my love is strong because my hate is strong. I won't push away either. I won't make excuses for my hate, rather I will embrace it, knowing that as I do, I also embrace love.
I say that I will never be in love again, but that is untrue. For as long as I embrace hate, love will be there. I embrace them both and understand that they are natural human emotions. Neither is bad, neither is unworthy.
With the same fierce strength that I hate, I know this energy will go into love. I am so looking forward to it.
So all in all....I don't think we need to review.
Though I think my heart is broken, I know it is not. I know that I am still alive and one day someone will see the love in me, see the love that has always been here and embrace it.
I understand so much more now about me and what I can offer. The next time you see someone consumed by hate, know that love is right there, in the same place, waiting to be embraced.
You get me, that's why I love you,